Thursday, September 15, 2016

What's up with La Croix?



Enter any Writer's Room in the country you will find an eclectic variety of a certain sparkled water named La Croix. In fact, I would wager that any office building in a major city boasts a fridge stocked with them. Specifically here on The Mindy Project we probably go through about 40 cans of the Grapefruit (aka Pomplamoose aka give me a fucking break) every day.

Now we can argue the merits of flavored sparkling water, we could attempt to rank the twenty some odd flavors of La Croix or we could do a deep dive into the origin story of how a water company from Wisconsin tricked a pretentious world into making La Croix the official mascot of upper middle class white people.

La Crosse, WI is a town of about 50,000 near the Minnesota border. It has a median household income of $40,000 and a shitty D3 college. It's basically Brendan Dassey territory. To be clear, household income is the income of everyone that lives under your roof. I essentially make minimum wage and struggle to pay my bills but have a household income well over $100,000.

Now let's not shit on La Crosse too hard. It shares its name with a dope sport for bros. It is the birthplace of Flip Saunders and they have the coolest demonym in the country. If you are from La Crosse you are a LAXian.

But why did I just spend two paragraphs educating you about some shit hole town in Wisconsin when I am supposed to be talking about some fancy ass French sparkling water. Because my friends, La Croix is actually not French, it has nothing to do with France. That's right, playing on your bullshit faux-francophile sensibilities, a tiny company tricked you into buying their product via some clever marketing.

Nowhere on a La Croix can will you see 'Product of France' or even 'imported.' No, all you will see is some fancy ass color palette, a non-English word that a bunch of people don't know how to pronounce and some nutritional information in the form of a bunch of zeros.

Upon closer inspection, you will realize that La Croix isn't even a quaint independent Wisconsin company anymore. They sold out to Sundance Beverage Company, some giant conglomerate in Michigan.

Even their website is an exercise in trendy 30something housewives jerking themselves off. They have a blog about everything trending La Croix. This is literally some Goop adjacent bullshit that is just preying on those that need to feel better than everyone. Seriously, look at this shit.

In summation, I want to point out that you are not enlightened because you drink La Croix. You are not trendy. You are just some basic ass bitch that got hoodwinked by their pretty colors and 8-pack packaging. Why an 8-pack instead of the traditional 12? Because fuck you. That's why.

And to those of you that find it 'refreshing' and 'tasty.' You are just a god damn liar.

At least Perrier is actually French, a country that wasn't even that great to begin with. Me personally? I'll enjoy the shitty LA tap water that almost certainly contains something like .2% bacteria per liter. Maybe when the zombie apocalypse hits I'll be immune.

1 comment:

  1. Favorite line: "You are just some basic ass bitch that got hoodwinked"

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