Strung Theory

^ Not the strung theory equation

Guys, I felt like shit on Monday.

Thursday night I drank a metric ton of wine because it was the last Pier concert.

Friday I consumed a baker's dozen Old Fashioneds on a Hollywood rooftop at some fancy ass Mindy Project Party.

Saturday I drank an entire case of beer at the USC tailgate and then proceeded to play 500 games of skee ball at the Arts District brewery all the while slamming IPAs.

Sunday I did bottomless, drank 10 mimosas, got a miserable case of Sunday Scaries and was asleep by 9pm.

It was a hell of a weekend and I felt terrible on Monday. This should be no surprise, but I spent the day today wondering if there was a formula that could quantify when my hangovers would end.

Spoiler Alert. I did it.

Now I'm not going to go out on a limb and say that it's perfect. To be honest, it's impressive that I was able to do anything mathematical. I limped through the only 2 math classes of college with C's and I can't say I remember a fucking thing about Finite Mathematics or Calculus other than the fact that I almost didn't get into to Kelley because the night I was to study for the Calc final I ended up having sex with said study partner and watching Space Balls.

I survived with a 73.

Further disclaimers: This formula doesn't include how much food you ate, whether you went to bed hydrated or not, if you were smoking cigarettes or if you missed your alcohol. But guys I tried my best...allow me to introduce Strung Theory.

Strung Theory or ST for short is not going to tell you when you are safe to drive like that wheel they gave you after you got your drinkoing ticket. It is not going to tell you when your body has completely processed all of the alcohol, it merely aims to tell you when you will no longer feel like shit.

I hope you enjoy.

ST...

Recovery = [(Streak * Amount)/(age*(1/hr))]Drugs

Recovery (R) is the amount of hours until you feel fully recovered.

Streak (S) the days in a row that you have been drunk.

Amount (N) the amount of beverages you consumed on the last day of your bender.

Age (A) your age.

Hr (H) the hour you went to bed.

Drugs (D) amount of hard drugs (including alcohol) done on last day

      {(S*N)
R = [(A*(1/H)]}D


Ok, so let's plug my weekend into that now. 
I went on a 4 day bender and had 10 glasses of champagne on Sunday. 
S = 4 N = 10
We've got 40 on top.

My age is 29 and I went to bed at 9pm or 21 military time. (Note, if you went to bed at like 3, this would be 27) 29/21 (that's a little trick for you straight from my honors math class) is 1.38.

So now we have 40 on top, and 1.38 on bottom. 40/1.38 is about 29. I did not indulge in drugs on Sunday so we just multiply 29 by 1, which is 29...

This means after my bender I was fully recovered about 29 hours after I went to bed on Sunday night...and seeing as I felt like shit all day yesterday, I am inclined to agree.

Hooray! While an inexact science, I am inclined to think that this is the most accurate predictor to date, I'm not requesting any sort of medal or Presidential commendation, I just do this out of the goodness of my heart. So go ahead, type in your weekend numbers and let me know how I did!
(And show your fucking work)