Wedding Fantasy League

Guys, I need some help.

It's only Tuesday and I'm worried about my line-up.

You see I'm in this Fantasy league with some friends from college. But it's not like a normal fantasy football league, it's more of like a...I don't know, how hard you party at weddings league. It's very competitive.

The scoring is as follows:
1 pt for every drink consumed
6 pts for every chick taken home
2 pts for a dance floor make out
-2 points for every time you vomit
-2 points for every time you break something
-1 point for getting kicked out of something

So it's kinda like fantasy football as there is lots of strategy involved. You want to have a nice mix of deep threats and solid producers throughout your line up. I mean I could stack my roster with single dudes but that can be a little feast or famine. Let's draw out the football metaphor a little bit.

Quarterback is the leader of the crew; the person that is not only going to put up massive numbers but also inspire others to do so as well. You should be able to count on your QB for 12 drinks, a dance floor make out and take their steady girlfriend home. That's a 20 point performance, gotta be happy with that.

Running back I like to take a married guy with kids. Especially if this is a road game (out of town wedding) that dude is away from the kids and he is going to go nuts. Expect at least 10 drinks and then some very sloppy post wedding sex with his wife. Sure he might cough the ball up once (vomit) but you're always going to take 14 points from your RB1.

Wide Receivers will be the biggest drinkers at the wedding. You want them to be reliably able to put down 2 dozen drinks without batting an eye. The WR is not necessarily going to be a big hit with the bridesmaids similar to how smaller WR's will be sometimes overlooked in the red zone. But you better be sure that the WR will get his money worth at the open bar.

Tight End is a position where you want to put some one reliable. This guy won't be doing body shots off coeds at Maggie Mae's but will definitely close at the end of the night. A couple old fashioneds and then sex with his steady? Sounds like a Jason Witten performance.

FLEX are definitely the feast or famine guys. This is your single buddy that is a pure wild card. On any given night he could blow up for 20 drinks, 3 dance floor make-outs, and take two bid week sorority girls home and have a threesome. I need to work out the scoring to include for menage a trois multipliers. Conversely, he can have 6 drinks, get bored, break something, puke on himself and get kicked out after pulling out a bag of blow. Large variance at this position. Games are often won and lost at the FLEX position.

D - There is no defense at a wedding, well except from the jealous bridesmaid that doesn't want you to go home with her friend. Gotta learn to fight through that Pass Interference.

So now that I've outlined the format of my game, let's look at my options.

QUARTERBACK 
John
John
Leo
Brian
Eric

So you've got the Groom, the best man and three groomsman.

Groom is tricky, he has to stay relatively sober to talk to the adults that come to the wedding. This is unfortunate, because groom John is a born leader and if wasn't his wedding I'd be happy to start him.
Eric is a phenomenal choice as the Best Man. But since he is in the wedding he has a duty not to black out and poison everyone with Molly. (The best man only does that if a Seidman is involved)

Then we look at Leo and Brian, both good dudes, both married. I would feel confident in them leading my team to victory. But I'm a gambler and the smart money for an absolute vintage Peytonesque performance for non-groom John. He lives in Austin so he won't be afraid to throw a few back and push the rest of the team to have the night of their lives.
Predicted score: 22 points.

RUNNING BACK
Jeff

I haven't seen my buddy Jeff in like three kids. He lives half a world away and he is at most 5'3. That said I would not be surprised in the least if he is the MVP of the weeekend. When you are 28 and have three children, you have no life. There is not time for vacation, but I know somewhere deep inside of him there is a little bit savage left. Don't be surprised to find Jeff making love to his wife in the haunted room at The Driskill at 4 o clock in the morning after polishing off an entire case of beer.
Predicted score: 20 points.

WIDE RECEIVER
Kevin
Joey
Carl
Alex
Jack

My friend Joey just achieved his lifelong dream of becoming a professional writer, so on would expect him to really let it rip this weekend, but he also has something to lose were he to fight a cop and steal a squad car.

Jack can also make it rain, but I have a feeling he will spend a lot of his weekend apologizing to people on my behalf.

Carl and Alex can both throw them back like seasoned veterans and will likewise be on vacation.

But Kevin just moved to Washington DC to work in politics for Google. I don't think he has had a day off in 3 months. Have you met political operatives before? They get stressed. Kevin needs to blow off some steam. I'm expecting a breakout performance.
Predicted Score: 18 points.

TIGHT END
Ian 
Matt
Bobby
Basically everyone else at the wedding

Pretty much all of my friends are married now. They all have very stable lives and are probably on the road to home ownership. They pay their bills on time. They are adults. They probably got their own rooms at the Driskoll and didn't worry about the cost. They stopped doing drugs and probably don't feel the need to make this wedding about them. They will have a few drinks and be cordial to everyone. They probably think the concept of a Wedding MVP is dump. Let's go with Ian.
Predicted score: 10 points.

FLEX
Me
Paul
Johnny
Ryan

I'm inclined to pick myself here because I am going to behave like an absolute animal this weekend. My life is a very frail house of cards that could fall apart at any moment so I have to treat every vacation like my last. There is no doubt in my mind that I will try to make out with a chick in a pedicab this weekend somewhere near dirty Sixth. I've certainly had 40 point weekends before, but I am also sharing a bunk bed with Kevin, so that may hinder my ability to close.

Johnny and Ryan are former legends that are always capable of a relapse.

But smart money here is on Paul. Paul may have the most impressive job of anyone at this wedding but he also certainly gives the fewest fucks. If anyone is going to be walking across the bar at The Dizzy Rooster pouring people shots at 4 o clock in the morning on Sunday it will be Paul. Also he's a Dr. and might be able to give me an IV drip Sunday afternoon if I need one.
Predicted Score: 30 points.

So that's who I'm rolling with; John (Non-groom edition) Jeff, Kevin, Ian and Paul. I'll be sure to post their scores on Monday. If you think you can put together a better squad than me, I challenge you to leave it in the comments.

It's going to be an incredible weekend in the way that only a wedding with your college friends can be. I'm looking forward to spending quality time with each and every one of you. And I'm totally kidding about all of this...

Unless I'm not.