Friday, April 21, 2017

How to plan your birthday


You're turning 30.

Congratulations. You made it three decades without dying. It may seem a low bar to survive this long, but in an era of texting and driving, designer drugs and the loaded taco burrito, I personally find it impressive that you made it this far.

However, your most important task now awaits you: planning a bangin' 30th bday party.

Now right out of the gate let me tell you a few things that people might be afraid to tell you.

No one wants to come to your birthday party.

I'm sorry. It's not because you are unpopular. It's not because you never accepted that 5 dollar Venmo request to split a valet parking charge in 2015. It is because, in fact birthday parties suck.

It's true. Birthdays have become some sort of societal obligation thrust upon us where we are expected to inconvenience ourselves because of a rather arbitrary event. I throw a shit fit if someone gets married on a Friday or Sunday (GET MARRIED ON SATURDAY YOU POORS) and a wedding happens just once! Imagine my wrath that once a year my friends can seemingly enslave me to their will.

Furthermore, most well adjusted adults have at least 50 acquaintances which means that these birthday shindigs become a weekly occurrence, occupying time that I would much rather spend doing almost anything but sitting in a bar conversing with one of your work friends. If I had a dollar for every horrible birthday party I went to in WeHo in my 20's, I would have more than enough money to buy a .38 special at a pawn shop and blow my brains out.

But it doesn't have to be this way...

No you can throw yourself a fun birthday party. You can have an event that people will be excited about. You can make people jealous! And you can do it all without breaking the bank. Follow this handy guide and I promise that you will be able to throw yourself an epic party and not earn the lifelong resentment of your so-called friends.

Part 1. The Planning 
If you think that you won't be planning your own birthday party, you've been watching too much reality TV. Sure, it would be nice if your significant other did some of the heavy lifting because if you are directly antagonizing people about your upcoming event you may come off as a bit of a self-centered sociopath...but the one thing to remember is that your birthday gives you some degree of leverage.

Perhaps there is something you have wanted to do for a long time but people are only about halfway committed. Your birthday is an excuse to push this over the top. You want to go skydiving for your bday? Send an email on dates, cost and travel arrangements. Boom you're done. Want to go on a trip? Prep a budget and email it to your confidants and ask for approval. You'll get it. Planning a birthday party is remarkably similar to planning a bachelor/bachelorette party. It just so happens to be co-ed. The best way to communicate with people is a simple email chain or a (gasp!) Facebook group. Also a good way to lock people in? Come up with some sort of bullshit deposit. 'Uhhhh the party bus needs 10 dollars a head NOW.' Studies show that people get 70%* more excited about something the moment they make any financial commitment.

*I made that stat up.

-Keep it small-ish. As nice as it would be to invite your Costume PA's boyfriend to your little bash, the truth is he doesn't give a shit about you and honestly you are just interrupting his Friday night 13 Reasons Why binge. While a bigger wedding might always be more fun, the same is not the case for a birthday party and the reason is venue. Unless you live in a 12 bedroom house in the Hollywood hills, your 'big birthday party' is going to be a 'HEY! MEET US AT ______.'

True story: No one has ever had fun at 'HEY! MEET US AT _____.'

Aside from the obvious fact that there are 7 birthday parties going on that night at 7 different bars, none of the groups of people you invite to your bar birthday will know each other and/or interact. It will look like a middle school dance: the work friends are over by the bar, the college friends are scoping out the dance floor. The neighbors are trying to track down a food menu and the friends who flew in from out of town just feel out of place.

Also just think of the inherent panic you feel when you realize you have been drinking all day at Big Dean's and you need to go home and shower so you can Uber to Silverlake for a coworker's party. OMG do I stop and get a card? A gift? Can I bring someone? UNSUBSCRIBE!

It's horrible. It's almost as bad as 'the restaurant birthday.' Oh you know a bunch of yuppies hanging out at a restaurant they can't really afford, pretending to adult, lol this is so fun. Then there is the boisterous guy who keeps ordering $200 bottles of wine. "Don't worry we'll split it," he says as he drunkenly offers a toast.

HAVE FUN PAYING THAT BILL!

So if we are going to shy away from a dinner or a bar, what are some fun venue options?

I'm glad you asked.

Part 2: The Venue
Ballin' on a budget: Dinner Party

I know what you're thinking. Dinner parties are lame. I'm inclined to agree with you. But consider this. Maybe you aren't big on birthday celebrations, you think they are stupid (I agree!) so you just gather the people that you would be spending your night with anyway and cash 14 bottles of 10 dollar wine, eat some tri tip and call it a day. Maybe you smoke a joint afterward. Maybe something harder! Perhaps all you want on your special day is to be surrounded by your 10 or so closest friends on a relaxing night at your house. This is a completely defensible position.

Maybe you play some Cards Against Humanity or that new Telephone Pictionary game. That game is fun! This party costs everyone precisely 17 dollars and people wake up without feeling morally bankrupt, 10 years out of college I consider both of those a win.

Ok but it IS my 30th: Rent a house

Maybe heavy wine and light apps at your Santa Monica 2 bedroom apartment just doesn't cut it for a milestone such as thirty. Well why just visit there when you can live there? Welcome to Casa Chill bitches! I must say, of the 30 houses I have stayed in Palm Springs, Casa Chill looks pretty middle of the road, but extra points for branding. I mean The Ultimate Palm Springs Experience looks like a better house AND it's walking distance to the Ace. It's even cheaper! But Ultimate Palm Springs Experience just doesn't roll of the tongue like Casa Chill.

Anyway, throwing a bunch of friends in a big ass house with a pool is always a good time. Bonus points if there is an outdoor speaker set up so you can pump old school Bieber hits while chugging Keystones.

The best part of all of this? It's extraordinarily cheap. For about the cost of a round of shots you can book a weekend a couple hours away with your best friends in the world. Casa Chill would be $70 a head, and the inflatable swan that you will want to float on all weekend can be purchased at Target for about 5 bucks.

I'm feeling adventurous: Camping

Fun fact: There are 9 National Parks in California. 6 of them are within a four hour drive of Los Angeles.

What better way to celebrate the entry into actual adulthood than posting a picture at a waterfall with 'ALL WHO WANDER ARE NOT LOST." (*Puke*)

But for real, National Parks (and camping) are dope. Also I've learned in the past year that camping is actually just 90% an excuse to drink outdoors and play with axes and stuff. You haven't lived until you've indulged some THC tea and thrown hatchets at Joshua Trees.

Ever wanted to get a little weird and howl at the moon on a clear night? Same. It's awesome. Camping is also relatively cheap and it's something you can tell your parents/coworkers about without sounding like a degenerate. (You tell them about the hikes, not about the abandoned tennis court you found while you were tripping sack)

I have money, I'm going big: Go on a trip

The Millenials have spoken and what they have said is "We don't want stuff." So while this may be bad news to auto manufacturers, the housing industry and big box retailers, it's good for the person selling their friends on vacation. I think when growing up I went on maybe 2 vacations a year. We would go to Florida twice, once for Spring Break, once for Christmas Break. In my 20's I probably averaged about 10 vacations a year...on a production assistant salary.

All this said, it won't be as hard as you think to get people to go to Vegas.

Speaking of which: Go to Vegas.

It costs about $120 to fly roundtrip to Vegas. Planet Hollywood will GLADLY give you a room for $40 a night. If you mule it with a car, the price gets even cheaper. While you may be thinking that we're getting too old to squeeze 12 people in a single hotel room, I assure you that it is still a good time.

Not a big gambler? Who cares? I went to Britney Spears for my 30th and I still have the best 30th birthday on record. NO ONE DENIES THIS. She's ending her tour soon so you can't be as cool as me, but you can get fairly cheap GA to any second tier pool party or you can spend 1000 dollars on a table at Hakkasan. Vegas is really a choose your own adventure. You can wander the strip drinking 40s the whole time or you can wander over to a gun range and shoot a rocket launcher.

But why stop at Vegas?

Go to New Orleans, go on a ski trip, go surfing in Baja, go boating in San Diego, throw a dart at a map and go on an adventure.

Part 3: The Execution

Ok so against all odds you got 10 people to come with you on your adventure. Your friend from grad school flaked last minute because her fiance is having surgery but that's ok because you didn't want them to know that you do drugs anyway. It's vitally important to send out a couple fun reminders during the week to retain engagement. Maybe you put together a fun guide, maybe you establish an MVP award and then handicap it. If you make someone the odds on favorite for an MVP award you then put extreme pressure on them to perform at your birthday party? If you make someone a long shot to be the MVP they go to enormous lengths to prove you wrong.

OMG I KNOW I'M A MAD GENIUS.

And just remember no one gives a f*ck about your birthday. They didn't come as some great service to you, they came because they thought they would have fun independent of your celebration. If they REALLY hated Yosemite, they would have invented a work conflict or something. So just be happy that everyone is there, together, having fun. And don't do anything so stupid that will prevent you from doing this again in 365 days. Because as LAME as birthdays are, it's just another one of the billion excuses to get with friends, celebrate life and make some bad decisions.

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