I was driving home from work, staring down at the Tender Greens in my lap fantasizing about my first bite when the phone buzzed.
"Did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Hurry home man, shit is going down."
I blew a stop sign and peeled into my parking spot at 627 Westminster. My roommates were outside drinking beers.
"What, what is it?"
One of them showed me his phone.
"Harvard AE Pi to go gender neutral; allow women to join."
I suppose it was always coming to this. In the age of safe spaces and trigger warnings, it was only a matter of time until women infiltrated the last unassailable men's only club. I went through 7 stages of grief immediately but what I settled on was, 'maybe this is actually kind of cool?'
I wrestled with it all night and I have decided that I must now engage in a debate (with myself) to decide if this is a good or bad idea.
The following took place inside my mind this morning between the hours of 9 and 10am Pacific Daylight Time. The dialogue has been slightly edited.
Good morning, my name is Dave and I will be arguing for the position that women should be able to join fraternities.
Voting. Working. Playing Golf.
These are things that we used to not let women do in this country. Hell, it's 2017 and we are still arguing over things like wage gap and the right to choose.
We have an opportunity now to be inclusive. We have an opportunity to tear down barriers that have existed for decades; rip apart social constructs that discriminated against people based on gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, the brotherhood of all fraternity members can take a stand now to improve our much maligned image and say "We stand with women."
Ummm. Ok. My name is Dave and I will be arguing that women are already allowed to join fraternities. They're called sororities. I win.
Dave drops mic and walks off stage.
Moderator: Sorry for the purpose of this organization fraternity will be defined as traditionally men's only Greek social clubs on a college campus.
Dave picks the mic back up and returns to the lecturn.
Fine. Ok. This is why allowing women to join fraternities is a bad idea. While I am all for male/female friendships it seems like a bad idea to put a bunch of 18 year olds in a mansion full of booze and say 'Have fun!'
So you think co-ed dorms are a bad idea? Apartment buildings in every city in America should be single sex?
Oh my God. This is going to be harder than I thought. Ok, let me start over. My name is Dave and I will be arguing against the assumption that women should be able to join traditionally male fraternities.
Brotherhood. That is the reason one joins a fraternity. But what does that mean? Well I define it as an unconditional support system. Someone that will be there for you in good time and in bad while you navigate the troubled waters of adolescence. I remember I joined a fraternity so I would have the joy of male companionship but also support with my schoolwork, advice on my romantic relationships and of course someone that could take me to the bar after a rough day. My pledge brothers helped me through these times and while I value all of my female companions, I find it inappropriate to cross these boundaries.
You don't think women can be good study partners? Give advice? Buy you a beer? How antiquated your views are.
Oh Christ, do I have to say it? They're gonna fuck. THEY'RE GONNA FUCK!
I find it offensive that you think men and women cannot carry on a meaningful platonic relationship.
Oh cut the shit you hippy libtard. They're gonna fuck and you know it. Hell I'm pretty sure some of the brothers already fuck each other. So will you drop this bullshit facade and give me an honest debate?
Fine.
Ok, let's go away from the sex. Let's start with the hazing. Are you going to feel comfortable whipping a bucket of ice at a chick in her underwear? Making her drink dip spit? Telling her to put her elbows on bottle caps while she cries in front of you?
Oh they're going to cry just because they're -
No you dipshit, I cried too. Everyone cries. Even if we were to avoid the inevitable grossness of the first pledge sex slavery scandal, women's bodies are not designed to withstand some of the physical punishment of men's.
Well maybe fraternities should abolish hazing altogether.
I agree with you but that is a debate for another day. So will you concede that as currently constructed it would be a bad idea to have women join a fraternity that hazes?
I concede.
And I will concede to move onward considering a fraternity that does NOT haze. So let's get back to the sex. Having a heterosexual woman in your pledge class would prove problematic no?
You wouldn't try to have sex with your real sister would you?
No but come on, I don't actually think of everyone in my pledge class as my brother. I hate half of these guys. And any girl I say 'is like a sister to me' I would totally bang if presented with the opportunity. So are we going to have these kids take a vow of celibacy?
And why can't they date? So you are romantically involved with someone in the same social organization as you, they just happen to live down the hall. It sounds almost normal.
Right, but a fraternity isn't really a 'normal' social organization is it? What happens with the inevitable break up? I knew my ex girlfriends were moving on and having sex with other guys. But I didn't have to watch it happen every night due to her living in the same house as me. I mean what about the showers? Is every night in the bathroom going to be the Starship Troopers locker room scene? Will my female pledge brother think it's funny when I pee on her foot?
You pee on people's feet in the frat shower?
No...
You disgust me. Anyway, we throw up some dividers in the shower. No one enjoys a group prison shower and as for the dating, look it's practice for the real world. At some point in your life you will be attracted to one of your bud's ex girlfriends and there are mature and immature ways to go about navigating these tricky relationships.
But usually you aren't roommates with the guy that your ex is now sleeping with.
I submit that it will be weird for a while. There will be love triangles, quadrilaterals, heptagons.
What is a heptagon?
I'm not quite sure, but you have the get on board with the idea that there could be a female Phi Psi dating a male Phi Psi, a male delt dating a female Beta, perhaps even a female ATO dating a male Alpha Phi.
Whoa what...did you just advocate men joining sororities?
Why the hell not? I mean have you ever watched any British TV series? Fresh Meat? Crashing?
I watched Crashing. Pete Holmes definitely did not join a sorority.
No the other crashing. It starred the Fleabag chick they live in an abandoned hospital and pay no rent. It's a thing.
Wait, you can live for free in an abandoned hospital with chicks?
Only in the UK I think. We're getting off topic. Think of it as a bunch of like minded people living together hanging out. Like any group of friends there will be in-dating, there will be fights, at times it will be a little weird, but you get through it, just like any tight knit group on a sit com.
I suppose it would be at least interesting. Perhaps a spectacular disaster. Might even spurn a good Netflix series.
Sure! I'm not advocating for it to work, just for the right for it to exist. If women want to sign up to live in a shit hole with a bunch of spoiled alpha males they should be able to do it? Can we agree on that?
Sure, I guess it would be cool to have like a best bro that you play video games with and then hook up with on occasion. And maybe they will even keep the place a little cleaner?
Ok you're gender stereotyping now, let's not get on a slippery slope fallacy here. Maybe it will be just like it is now except some members wear a bra.
Sure. Chicks should be able to join fraternities, it might be weird at first but I guess so was calling Bruce Jenner Caitlyn.
Ya man and think about how lit like a 6 way party will be now. It will be more like a 12 way and instead of just hooking up with a girl in every sorority you can also hook up with a girl in every fraternity. It's going to be fucking dope.
Where do I sign?
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