Playing House

I remember the adrenaline pumping through my system, a nervous energy like I would experience before a big game.

I was about to break the law.

Or attempt to break it at least. I was 18 fresh off high school graduation and I was standing in line at a bar.

I had spent the entire day working on an elaborate fake ID.

First, I had gone to the DMV and gotten an ID card, then I had printed a template of the Indiana ID card with extremely high resolution but I had changed my birthday to 82 instead of 87. Then I had re-laminated the entire thing, and then halfway melted it with a candle.

I approached the bouncer.

"Why is your ID so fucked up?"

"I put it in the dryer and it melted."

"Huh."

He handed it back and waved me in. I couldn't believe it. I was just like one of the teenagers on Gossip Girl or the OC, effortlessly getting into bars before even stepping foot in college.

I walked directly to the bar and ordered a beer and a shot and the bartender just gave it to me.

'OMG,' I thought to myself, 'no more garage hopping, no more "hey Mr.' no more begging an older sibling, stealing from my parents or driving to the ghetto where they don't really care about rules.'

I was a bar guy now.

Of course the next night when I came back to the Broad Ripple Tavern a different bouncer looked at my pitiful fake, put it in his pocket and told me to go home.

This was the first ID I would have confiscated, but certainly not the last.

Over the years I was from Dallas, South Dakota, Virginia, South Carolina, Ohio and Pennsylvania. I've been Chris Martens, Jimmy Brighton and David Johnson from Traverse City, Michigan.

I knew all their birthdays, the streets they grew up on and their astrological signs.

I tipped 50% at all the Greek bars to ingratiate myself to the staff because someone that couldn't get into Kilroy's was someone that didn't matter and I DESPERATELY wanted to matter.

During the crackdown of 2007 I found myself without an ID and had to resort to bribes, fence jumps, gate crashing, kitchen entrances and of course I failed at gaining entry to these establishments far more times than I was admitted. These were dark days, I remember standing outside the bar on one Saturday night as Journey played on the dance floor just beyond the front entrance and everyone was laughing and singing; having a good time.

I was crying and I walked all the way home to my fraternity and cursed my parents for enrolling me in school at a time that I would be on the younger end of my grade.

***

I'm 30 now. It's been almost 10 years since I had to sneak in to Kilroy's, Sports, Bluebird or Nick's. The last ID I had pulled was at the Red Shed in Madison Halloween 2007. I can purchase beer at any establishment, not just mini marts owned by immigrants and I suppose I take the ability to drink now for granted, and in all my wisdom I have come to a conclusion.

Bars are dumb.

It is shocking for me to read that sentence that I have just written because going to bars literally defined me as a person from 18-29. Bars were the social epicenter of the world, bars were where I could dance, where I wasn't afraid to talk to girls. I suppose you could say they were my natural habitat.

At bars you can sing, at bars you can be obnoxious, at bars you high five your friends that you haven't seen in a while and then everyone who arrived with you sees how awesome and popular you are. I was that guy. No matter when you came to the bar I would be there in a corner drinking a Long Island talking to some other frat star. It was like an exclusive little club of people that thought they were special.

And now I realize it was all so stupid.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for going to the bar. Grab a drink with an old friend? Watch a game? Sure this is a nice reason to head to the pub for a bit.  But the idea that every Friday and Saturday night (or even an aggressive Wednesday or Thursday) should ideally end at a public house of some sort is flawed.

Let me begin with a few pros and cons.

An obvious con is cost. Bars are expensive. They are also loud and full of strangers which is not a fun situation to find yourself in unless you are drinking. So let's assume to alleviate the awkwardness you choose to have a beer, but you are also with 5 buddies. So do you buy one beer? Buy 5 beers and just eat the 50 bucks? Or do you suggest everyone trade rounds. But what if you don't want 6 beers? What if someone wants cocktails which are twice as expensive but you want beer?

It's not only expensive, it creates awkward fiscal situations among friends. Maybe this doesn't matter when you are a bit more successful in life, but 2 rounds of beers for my friends is 100 bucks and that sucks. That's like 13% of my rent.

Another con is logistics.

I cannot tell you how many times I look back at college and think to myself...

Wait a minute: You're telling me I lived in a mansion, with no rules, where I could invite over ANYONE I wanted, free booze, and in spite of all of that I opted to go to a cramped little bar and pay for drinks????

College kids are weird.

Now I realize that I no longer have a mansion. In fact I have a small 3 bedroom apartment. But I could still throw a party. Sure, there wouldn't be pledges to clean it in the morning, I can't play Backstreet Boys at 100000 decibels, but the general rules of hosting still apply and I would argue that this presents a more fun environment for partying than does a bar.

Think back to the most fun days of your past year.

I'll rattle mine off...

Coachella
4th of July Party
Halloween
Park City
Copenhagen
Road trip with dad
road trip with mom
My Christmas party

All of those nights were either house parties where I was with all of my friends, or a vacation of some sort that I went on.

Rarely do I sit back and fantasize about that one random Friday night that the music was really good at The Victorian.

And in fact even when I think about my college greatest hits or my Chicago greatest hits it's Little 5, date parties, formals, drinking 237 shots on Matt McBroom's roof...bars are just vessels for hangovers really.

NOW

That is not to say that going to a bar has no value.

If you are single, maybe you can meet a girl on the dance floor. Maybe you can listen to loud music. You won't have to worry about cleaning anything up in the morning. Maybe you only have a couple friends to go out with. A 'house party' with you and your two buddies visiting from out of town would be incredibly lame. Even if you are too chicken shit to talk to women, at least you can go somewhere to catch up while there is a degree of ambiance in the background.

If your soul goal is to quench your thirst so to speak then ya, going to a bar is also a pretty good play, but the older I get I suppose the less interest I have in going home with a 2014 UCLA grad that lives with her parents in Northridge.

Also if you are going to house parties there are likely to be people there that you do not know but you share mutual friends with. In fact this is how the majority of my friends met their partners. Going to a house party is a natural screening process. I would assume that the majority of my friends would not invite serial killers over to a onesie party.

My last argument for house parties would be that...well...you can typically do whatever you want.

"Hey, does anyone want to do a tequila shot?"

You don't have to think, "well if I allow this person to buy me a tequila shot then I have to reciprocate and that will cost me...'

NO. It's all free (well paid for but like a 15 dollar bottle of Jose Cuervo is basically free)

And if you want to take 8 you can take 8 and if you want to take one you can take one and if you meet a girl and really want to go make out with her in a broom closet, you can ask her if she wants to make out in a broom closet and if she says yes than by god you go make out with her in a broom closet and have a fun story for the rest of your life.

In closing: bars are overrated. Bars often lead to an average time, a mediocre night that you have forgotten about already by Monday. Bars are also expensive, logistically annoying (my god I didn't even talk about the Ubers) and often 'meh.'

Instead of going to the same old shit hole every Friday and Saturday night, dropping $100 a night (and quite honestly, that's a conservative number...if you're working on a chick that number could balloon REALLY quick) consider staying in, watching a movie, just think about how the math adds up.

If you sacrifice two shitty bar nights; that's $200. That is enough for your portion of a friends' Palm Springs weekend.

4 shitty bar nights is a Coachella ticket.

8 shitty bar nights (basically no bars for a month) is enough for an international trip. (Norweigian Air to Scandinavia, Wow to Iceland, or Aeromexico to Colombia and shitty hostels)

Now think about it: would you rather go to Canal Club 8 times or visit Medillin.

Is 4 nights at Adults Only as fun as watching Hans Zimmer shred in the desert?

Is your Friday/Saturday at The Phoenix as much fun as floating on an inflatable swan at The Ace Hotel?

The answer to all of these is definitely no.

Stop going to bars. Travel more and seek out house parties.

Or go to concerts.

Or go to sporting events.

Or camp.

You can drink almost anywhere...and almost anywhere is better than in a dark room full of strangers.