Since the beginning of time, there have been assholes.
That is why boat shoes exist, that is why male 5 inch inseam shorts exist, it is why certain shades of the color pink exist, and of course it is why Fiji exists.
Every person that ever joined a fraternity or threw on a pair of jean shorts ironically did it for one reason: to be an asshole.
Sure there are other reasons to do these things, they're fun, they're silly, but the root of it is "I want to look like a rich dick that doesn't have a care in the world."
I know this because I am an asshole. My 'on this day' in Facebook reminds me of this every day. Let's look at today May 19th.
First picture: Me shotgunning a beer with three hot chicks! I'm wearing a Michigan MBA shirt even though I didn't go to Michigan. Also, this is an overhead shot, that means I made someone climb a flight of stairs and choreograph this photo shoot. What a dick!
The next photo is of me wearing a pink polo shirt and a white backwards Lacoste hat. Classic frat look! But you know what? I'm going to tell you a little secret about my obsession with the color pink. I don't really love it that much, I just love what it says about me. "YES I CAN PULL OFF PINK ALSO I'M GRADUATING COLLEGE WITHOUT DEBT, SUCK IT!"
So all this said; I get it.
I understand why male rompers are a thing.
It's because there are a lot of kids on the east coast, the Midwest and at USC that have trust funds overflowing with more cash than they know what to do with. Dressing like an idiot has always been fun, that's why costume parties exist, but only a true asshole can throw several hundred dollars at something he will likely only wear once and then shove it in the back of his closet with his Kappa Kapture and Tri Delt Arrest shirts.
Every year there is a onesie bar crawl in Hermosa and while most people buy a 15 dollar piece of shit from Target there is a small subset of people that will drive to Beverly Hills and get a $400 onesie from 'The Onesie Store.' This is the world we live in and it's why LaVar Ball's stupid shoes were a hit and it's why these guys already bought millions of dollars of free press and why these BROmpers will be backordered until Homecoming.
If we are willing to accept that Romphim's will become a thing, the next logical leap is to try to define when it might be socially acceptable to wear one. Fortunately, I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I believe I've figured it out.
A Random Friday Night
So let's say there is like a poorly planned Bachelor party and you have 10 homies in LA, but like the groom's half step brother did a terrible job and didn't get you guys a reservation for dinner, didn't call ahead to get a table at a bar and didn't even organize a pregame. (Go ahead and let your brother be your best man if you must, but let your best friend plan the bachelor party)
So now you're at an apartment calling Chin Chin on Sunset seeing how quickly they can seat a group of 10 and you're thinking to yourself, Jesus this is the worst Bachelor party ever...until that is, you remember that you have TEN MALE ROMPERS. You issue one to each of your friends, even though they protest. You look like absolute buffoons, but you demand that everyone wear one anyway. You get to Chin Chin and the host is so confused that he seats you right away. To dress so hip and gender fluid there must be a celebrity among you. The chef comps two bottles of Sake and you guys are well on your way to getting shitfaced. After dinner you head down the street and are able to talk your way into Soho House. Your night ends when a female in a romper asks you if you want to go back to her place and talk about how practical rompers are as clothing.
A Random Saturday
So let's say it's the day after the poorly planned Bachelor party. You wake up in bed at girl romper's house and struggle to figure out a way to pee in the morning because you are still wearing your male romper. You get a phone call from a friend who is at a pool party at The Standard Hotel in downtown LA. He just ordered a bottle and he needs you to help him come drink it.
"I'll be there in a couple hours, I need to head home and change out of this male romper," you say.
"No way man, you need to be here in 20 minutes or I'm calling someone else."
So anyway, you decide you don't want to miss out and order an Uber to the Standard. On the way your Pakistani driver tries to figure out if you are trans or not. He keeps saying 'no I mean it's cool that you like to dress like a girl, you just don't seem like the type.' You aren't sure if that is offensive or not so you bite your lip and finally arrive at the hotel. There is a massive line to get to the pool party but you sheepishly walk up to the doorman and say, 'hey my friend has a table...' This never works, but when he sees your attire he assumes you are not one to be trifled with and sends you right up. Your buddy and the girls can't believe that you arrived unshowered and in a male romper, but one of them is so impressed with your confidence that she decides that it's fate and that the four of you must get a room for the night and party at the hotel all day. Fun ensues.
A Random Sunday
So let's say you were to wake up in The Standard Hotel in LA and realized that you were laying in a queen sized bed with your buddy and 2 chicks even though there was a second Queen sized bed in the room when an alarm on your phone goes off.
"WEDDING TODAY AT NOON"
Fuck! You forgot that you had a wedding today in Silverlake! Who gets married on a Sunday? The girl must have poor parents. You glance at your watch and realize it's 11:30 and Silverlake is about a 15 minute uber away, you'll never make it.
But...it is the East Side. And girls wear dresses to weddings. And rompers are kinda like dresses. And the wedding is in a park with a recovering heroin addict who was certified online officiating. FUCK IT WEAR THE ROMPER.
So you get to the wedding and there are of course a few chuckles but then the groom's mother compliments you on how fashion forward you are. she tells you about how it was always her dream to go to FIDM but then she got knocked up after a crazy party in the hills and decided to marry the guy because he was a wealthy producer. This makes you feel weird because this is your buddy's mom, but then she introduces you to her niece 'an artist.
The niece is extremely unimpressed with you at first because she knows 'guys like you.' But when you begin to tell her the story and how it is all a strange coincidence that this went down and if YOU would have been in charge of planning the original bachelor party none of this would have happened blah blah blah...she starts saying things like it was written in the stars, she accuses you of being a Leo and even though you are an Aquarius you just go with it. You start making out at the reception at Los Globos and guess what, you aren't going to make it home tonight either.
A Random Monday
So let's say you woke up in an Echo Park studio on a pullout couch with your buddy's cousin and you realize you don't have time to shower or change before work. You've been wearing this romper for four fucking days now, but I guess it's worked out so far.
You get to work and your social justice warrior boss incorrectly thinks that you are wearing this new look to speak out against injustice on those who are marginalized. You just go ahead and roll with it. Ya, and also because I like the pockets, you think to yourself.
All your coworkers sneer at you because they can tell from your smell that you are actually wearing this because you got drunk in it yesterday and never made it home, alas your boss invites you to a film premiere with her that night. Your boss is kinda hot but she's 40, divorced and has a child. After the premiere you go back to her place in the hills and hook. It's super weird, but she tells you before bed that she is leaving town in the morning and that you don't have to go into the office the rest of the week.
Big win.
A Random Tuesday
So let's say you woke up in a Hollywood Hills castle after having sex with your boss and didn't have to work the rest of the week. You ubered back to Venice where you would finally get to take off this God Forsaken romper but you get a call from your buddy that works at Google and he tells you he rented a boat and it's leaving the Marina in 20 minutes. With no time to change you divert your driver to dock 52 in Marina Del Rey and proceed to party on a boat all day.
No one on the boat looks at you funny because they are all totally rich dicks that probably own multiple male rompers as well. You have a good time, but the renter of the boat drunkenly demands the captain take you to Catalina. When you come out of your blackout, there is a group of 12 of you checking into a hotel on Catalina Island. You are never going to home.
A Random Wednesday
So let's say you woke up on Catalina Island in a hotel and there was a note from your buddy on the bedside table. "Sorry had to get back for work, here's a hundred bucks to get home."
You walk into Avalon admiring the sights and eventually find a ferry going to Newport. You figure you can call an uber or rent a car when you get there.
Upon arriving in Newport you are spotted by a bunch of bros on vacation. And guess what! They are all wearing male rompers too. They insist you join them on a bar crawl up Balboa Island. You don't really have anything better to do or have a ride back to LA, so you say fuck it.
You have 17 margaritas at Baja Sharkeez and at least 7 servings of chips and salsa. You end up at a karaoke bar with your new friends and your last memory is singing 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' on a stage with 8 grown men...all wearing rompers.
A Random Thursday
So let's say you woke up on a couch in Culver City. Wait what? How did we get to Culver City?
"I drove. Oops!" It's one of the guys from the bar crawl in Newport. You scold him for driving drunk, he apologizes, says he was feeling overly confident because of the romper. You understand.
You are finally able to get an Uber back to Venice. You walk in your apartment and your roommates are shocked to see you alive, they haven't heard from you since the botched Bachelor party on night one.
"Where the fuck have you been?" One asks.
Um, I suppose I had a bit of an adventure...
"In that?!?"
He doesn't get it because he's a GDI from Tennessee.
"Uh, I'm gonna go to bed..."
"Nonsense, it's the first pier concert tonight in Santa Monica, we're starting the pregame now. Also we're all dressing like idiots tonight."
God Dammit...
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