Lean into it

Situation: You just had a very good date with your new girlfriend.

Yes, she's dating a bunch of other guys, but she picked an activity that you are extremely good at: basketball.

While the rest of these clowns were struggling to dribble and shoot airballs with two hands you were literally dunking on their asses. There is no skill in all of sports more emasculating than dunking on someone smaller than you. Long pass? Who gives a shit? Sick one timer? Sounds Canadian. A two handed power dunk over a guy that wants your girl, WHILE SHE IS WATCHING? My God, it may be worse than finding your wife in bed with another man.

Suffice to say, if one were to participate in a basketball themed date and he were to dunk all over the competition, one would expect a rose.

I dunked two times in my entire life on a regulation 10 foot goal. Once was at the Chesterfield Country Club in St. Louis Missouri, Thanksgiving 2007. I was so cocky that night that I didn't even ask my parents if it was OK if I drank at dinner. I threw back maybe 8 glasses of wine while regaling my extended family with tales of the beautiful half windmill stuff.

The second time was three months later in Florence, Italy. I played a pick up game with kids from my study abroad program. We were up 20-18 when I found myself with the ball and an open lane, I took two steps and threw down a thunderous two handed jam that literally broke the rim. I went home with an Italian girl that night that just happened to be in the gym watching. She did not speak English, but she understood swagger.

The point I am making is if you can dunk, you can essentially do no wrong.

Or can you?

When DeMario was summoned back to the court by Lindsay on Monday night, he was of the mindset that he was about to get a rose. Instead he was blindsided with an ex-girlfriend.

Now we are going to go ahead and ignore the fact that his ex-girlfriend just happened to be hanging out at a Reseda high school gym that day and judge DeMario exclusively on his performance.

INT. SHITTY HIGH SCHOOL GYM IN THE VALLEY - DAY PROBABLY
DeMario walks into the gym oozing of so much swagger you would think this man just won the god damn NBA finals. He jolts to a stop when he sees someone from his past.

DEMARIO

Oh...oh, who is this?

DeMario slows his strut as he trips and stutters over his words. Trapped. Rachel is devastated, DeMario is lost, and this LEXI chick is basking in her fifteen minutes of fame.

I'll go ahead and stop the scene there. Because DeMario had already lost.

The moment a Bachelor producer had plucked a woman from DeMario's past, the situation was dire, but not necessarily inescapable. Surely, however, the 'I don't know who this is,' defense is not going to cut it.

DeMario quickly pivots to 'oh we dated,' and said horrendous lies like 'key is in the male.' HE LITERALLY USED THE BROKE DUDE CHECK IS IN THE MALE DEFENSE!!!!

Now to every woman reading this right now, this will strike you as classic fuck boy behavior. I'm sure you have heard them all, and let's face it, DeMario is a fuck boy. A fuck king if you will. An attractive tall black man (That can dunk!) living in the heavily white populated west side of Los Angeles doing corporate recruiting with a degree from FIDM. My God, you can't create that character in a writer's room.

Where DeMario failed though was not in his shady character, it was in his wavering confidence.

Let me write a new scene in which there is a happy ending for everyone.

INT. SHITTY HIGH SCHOOL GYM IN THE VALLEY - DAY PROBABLY

DeMario walks into the gym oozing of so much swagger you would think this man just won the god damn NBA finals. He jolts to a stop when he sees someone from his past. He smiles wide.

DEMARIO

Hey Lexi! How you been, whatcha doing here?

DeMario approaches Lexi and gives her a huge hug, then stops himself, embarassed.

 DEMARIO

Oh my gosh, how rude. Lexi, this is Rachel. I'm dating her on a reality television dating show called The Bachelorette. We're on a group date right now! Rachel this is Lexi, we used to fuck.

Rachel and Lexi look at each other dumbfounded. Lexi looks pleadingly at a producer who shrugs his shoulders.

RACHEL

Ummm, hi Lexi. What's going on?

LEXI

We weren't just fuck buddies DeMario. We've been hooking up for 6 months.

DEMARIO

Hell ya we have. We're both attractive young people living our life. Also we're dynamite in the sack. HIGH FIVE!

Lexi begrudgingly gives DeMario a high five.

RACHEL

So wait are you still dating?

LEXI

I thought so, I mean he has a key to my apartment.

DEMARIO

Well duh...is there anything worse than getting out of bed at 2 o clock in the morning to open the gate for your booty call? Keys cost like 99 cents to make at 7-11 now. I give them out like hotel keys. I gave the homeless guy in my alley a key to my place in case he ever wants to shower while I'm gone.

RACHEL

You gave the homeless guy in your alley the key to your apartment? So he can shower?

DEMARIO

Sure, the drought's over and when I'm at my white collar corporate job in Century City I'm not using the shower, someone oughta get some utility out of it!

RACHEL

That's actually kind of sweet...

Lexi whips out her phone.

LEXI

But wait, I have texts where he called me babe, up until last week.

RACHEL

Wait a second, you knew you were coming onto the show a week ago. I feel like I don't even know you right now DeMario...

DEMARIO

You don't! And truth be told I don't know you! Sure, I watched you on tv a lot. But I mean I watch Emilia Clarke a lot on Game of Thrones but like I don't really know her? You know what I'm saying?

RACHEL

I guess that makes sense...

DEMARIO

Hell ya it makes sense. And truth be told you are dating 31 guys right now. I was casually having sex with one. The odds are against me winning this competition, and I do like you Rachel and I want to see this process through, but to be completely honest if I lose I would like to continue having casual sex with Lexi, especially if she changes her hair cut.

LEXI

Dammit DeMario! You can't be so cool and mellow about this, these are real feelings.

DEMARIO

Lexi, where did we meet...

LEXI

On Tinder...

DEMARIO

 And what did my bio say?

LEXI

Six foot four, a Buzzfeed quiz told me I'm 94% a fuckboy.

RACHEL

Wait, I don't want to date a fuck boy...

DEMARIO

I'm not reeeeeally a fuck boy, I'm just self aware, it's 2017. It's fun to lean into things. Play into your own stereotypes a little bit, ya know what I'm saying? Kinda like how Kevin Owens is a bully on twitter but probably cool in real life, he's just playing up the heel persona.

RACHEL

You lost me...

DEMARIO

Lexi and I were homies that had sex. We didn't live together, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend. We Netflix and Chilled together in a big fun city, nothing more nothing less. Would you say that is a fair assessment Lexi?

LEXI

I suppose.

DEMARIO

Great, I'm glad we cleared that up. Are we all good here Rachel? I told Lee I was going to help him with his jump shot before we got outta here.

RACHEL

I think so?

DEMARIO

Great, it was wonderful to see you Lexi.

DeMario struts back to the locker room with even more swagger than before.

RACHEL

Was the sex really that good?

LEXI

Dynamite.

FADE OUT.

See what we have here is the old irrational confidence play. It's why JR Smith can take over a playoff game, it's why guys on Bumble will ask for nudes at 2 o clock in the morning even though they know there is a good chance you will screen shot it and throw it up on Instagram.

Why are male rompers a thing? Why is boob luging a fad?

Because as long as there are bros out there with absolutely no shame, there are women who will be slightly into it. Now I'm not excusing said behavior, but if you are going to be a fuck boy, BE A FUCK BOY, none of this half ass shit that got DeMario booted last week.

ELSEWHERE IN THE EPISODE...

Peter and Rachel talked about their gap teeth in Palm Springs and I realized that the private plane date >>>>>>> the helicopter date. You never see people getting drunk in helicopters but you certainly could imagine a scenario in which Rachel and Peter had sex on the way home from that Bark Box party at 20,000 feet in front of Rachel's three legged dog. By the way, how do my readers feel about hooking up in front of animals? I am V against it.

AND ALSO...

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher stopped by to do a diaper changing olympics or something. I don't know, it was stupid. I did find out though that Venice Dean is connected to 13 of my friends on Linkedin, yet when asked for comment not a single one of them know who he actually is. Sus.

No rose ceremony this week, it's pretty early for ABC to start screwing with format, unfortunately I think we have a boring season ahead of us. See y'all next week.