Wednesday, July 26, 2017

A Los Angeles Game of Thrones

In the entertainment industry, similar to Westeros, you win or you die.

(And by die I mean you either move back to the shitty town you came from or continue to live off of your rich parents.)

I've been doing more dying than winning lately because I made a strategic error in my conquest. I assumed that everyone in the entertainment industry like everyone in my personal life was a homie.

I don't know if you knew this about me but I am a bro. My friends are bros. I am loud and cocky. I like to take my shirt off. I will take the AUX cord and play Bieber even if I've played in 17 times already tonight. I do not cuff my jeans. I like to jump off of high shit. I yell 'Saturdays are for the boys' at the age of 30 without shame. I have girls named in my phone as 'Becky Townhouse." I have never in my life turned down something offered to me in a bathroom. I drink, I smile, I make eye contact, sometimes I wink at people. I use phrases like 'top-tier' and I use summer as a verb. I am the hit of every wedding, the focal point of every dance floor, your mom warned you about people like me. Yet despite all that, I've a pretty genuine guy and above all a good hang.

The traits listed above mattered where I came from, but unfortunately Los Angeles seems to be a place where deception and treachery reign supreme over positivity and polo shirts. Similar to Ned Stark, I died for what I believed in. Perhaps there is still hope for me. I could rise from the ashes a la Jon Snow and prove to be the Prince who was promised. Only time will tell.

The following exercise determines whether you might survive a career in Los Angeles based on the Game of Thrones character that most closely aligns with you. Now because I know you would all choose Dany, Arya or Jon I have put together a little quiz to see how you might fare in these mean streets of Hollywood. For each answer you will be assigned an arbitrary(??) point value between 1 and 4, keep track of your score and at the end we will find out who lives and who moves back to Buffalo Grove to sell life insurance.

Pick a starter job in Hollywood.
A. Paid Intern at Fox Publicity
B. Office PA on the new NBC Drama 'Rise'
C. Mail room at UTA
D. Manager's Assistant at 3 Arts

A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 D: 4

Pick a career in LA.
A. VP of Post Production - Home Media at Disney
B. Music Video Director signed to Anonymous Content
C. Writer/Producer on the Fox reboot of 'Halloween'
D. Actor/Actress/Foam Art Expert at Urth Caffe

A: 4 B: 3 C: 2 D: 1

Pick the best route to get from Venice Beach to Paramount on a Thursday at 3pm.
A. Lincoln to 10 to La Cienega to Fountain
B. 10 to 405 to 101 exit at Highland
C. Venice to La Brea
D. 10 to Crenshaw to Wilshire to Vine

A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 D: 4

Pick a place to get networking drinks.
A. The Hudson
B. Bungalow
C. Cha Cha Lounge
D. Backstage

A: 4 B: 1 C: 3 D: 2

You picked up your boss's lunch at Tender Greens in Studio City, as you're pulling into Universal you realize that even though you specified NO hazelnuts, there are indeed hazelnuts in his salad. Do you...
A. Turn around and demand Tender Greens remake the salad.
B. Furiously attempt to pick all of the hazelnuts out of the salad.
C. Profusely apologize to your boss about the inclusion of said hazelnuts.
D. Hand him the salad, say nothing, walk back to your desk and resume Gchatting girls you want to fuck.

A: 3 B: 4 C: 2 D: 1

Your boss is the showrunner of a television show called "Beta Date a Guy" a show that reimagines Romeo and Juliet as a same sex relationship between warring factions within the Beta Theta Pi fraternity house at Indiana University. One afternoon over lunch you suggest a bottle episode in which each group of friends attempt to prove their superiority by doing the open to close challenge at popular dive bar Kilroy's. Your boss takes this idea verbatim for his script. Do you...
A. Demand a story by credit, thus getting yourself halfway into the WGA.
B. Leverage this into a promotion to writer's assistant for season 2.
C. Nothing. You're happy your idea made it to air.
D. File a grievance with the WGA. This is your idea, you deserve fiscal compensation.

A: 2 B: 4 C: 3 D: 1

One of your co-worker's got blacked out on a Thursday night at a Santa Monica Pier concert and slept through his alarm. You know that one of his responsibilities is to get his boss a breakfast burrito every morning, but you also know that you are both vying for the same promotion do you...
A. Cover for him, it will take you 2 minutes to walk downstairs and get a burrito for his boss.
B. Do nothing, say nothing.
C. Strike a deal with him that he will cover your morning duties for a week allowing you an extra hour to sleep each day.
D. Rat him out. Fuck that guy, only the strong survive.

A: 3 B: 1 C: 4 D: 2

You are an agent trainee at a top Hollywood Agency, one of the female partners shows interest in you at a wrap party, do you...
A: Go home with her, you're both consenting adults
B. Go home with her and then extort her for a promotion
C. Introduce her to your girlfriend
D. Feign illness, say you've had too much to drink and throw yourself in a cab home.

A: 2 B :1 C: 3 D: 4

After doing some promo work on the latest season of Game of Thrones, you are invited to the HBO holiday party. Who is your plus 1?
A. Best friend
B. The hottest piece of ass you could find
C. Your girlfriend
D. A platonic female that is a superfan of Game of Thrones.

A: 2 B: 1 C: 4 D: 3

A lead actress of a film you are working on asks if you can help her find some cocaine, she has a troubled past and has promised to stay sober on this shoot. Do you...
A. Hell ya you help her out. Also mention that you're looking for something to do this weekend.
B. Discretely give her a number and tell her not to mention it to anyone.
C. Sorry, you don't do drugs.
D. Inform the AD that his star is looking for disco dust.

A. 3 B: 1 C: 4 D: 2

It's Friday at 6pm and you have tickets to go see Guster play the Hollywood Bowl at 7. On your way out the door your boss asks for a milkshake from In n Out. The closest one is only 3 miles away but at this hour it will take an hour and a half round trip. You...
1. Go to In n Out. You'll miss the first few songs.
2. You have an old In n Out cup in your car and there is a McDonald's across the street...
3. Tell her about the concert and see if she relents.
4. Post mates a milkshake and start pregaming at your desk.

A. 2 B. 4 C: 1 D: 3

OK, now tabulate your scores. Let's find out which Westerosi pawn is going to decide your fate in Los Angeles.

Robert Baratheon/ICM Mail Room

Congrats, you are just here to party rock like the late King Robert. Sure you have been legendary for your accomplishments on the battlefield as well as in the brothel, but that's all in the past my guy. Since the series started you've mainly been black out drunk and pissing yourself all the way until you got killed by a pig in episode 7. A motherfucking pig. Your equivalent career arc is someone that moves out to LA, got a job in the mail room and then punched some 5'4 agent with the last name Goldstein because he yelled at you for fucking up his coffee order. He's not pressing charges, but you'll never work in this town again. Spin zone, you've got a rich dad and your varsity letter jacket still means something in Fishers. You can move back, fuck your high school ex and sell cars for your dad. Could be worse.

Renly Baratheon/Assistant to the VP of Comedy

You had everything going for you. You got to make love to Iron Fist while Anne Boleyn watched. You had Brienne of Tarth by your side and your people adored you; but then POOF you got stabbed in the back by a shadow demon.  See Renly believed a little too much in the good of people, just like you believed in the genuine nature of people in 'The Industry.' Like for example when your boss asked you to cover with him with accounting when they found strange charges on the Corporate P Card for a place called Seventh Veil. "Just tell them its a restaurant and submit your envelope, I promise I'll make you Director of Current Comedy." You did as you were told and a couple days later an HR representative told you that you had been shitcanned. Your boss by the way just got promoted to VP and hasn't answered one of the 17 emails you have sent him in the past 3 weeks.

Robb Stark/Writer's Assistant

You were clever, you even had some early success, but you let that success go to your head. Win a few battles, start fucking commoners, say to hell with tradition, sure that all works for a while until you get killed for it. Your career was off to a great start. You even got to write an episode for a tv show you worked on as a writer's assistant. You took that $32,000 and applied for a junior membership to Soho house. But then one evening out in Beverly Hills you saw the president of the network and decided to go introduce yourself as a writer on one of her shows. But you forgot the white substance dangling from your nostrils and when it came to renew contracts for season 2, she seemingly forgot to pick yours up. Oops.

Tyrion Lannister/Manager

People counted you out all your life and look at you now. You knew that you were never the one destined for greatness but that you could council people on their quest to the top and align yourself closely with them making you by proxy POWERFUL. As Tyrion was the hand to multiple kings, your client roster boasts writers, directors and producers at the top of their game. And guess what, if anyone wants access to them? They have to come through you. That my friends, may make you the most dangerous person in Hollywood.

Peter Baelish/Development Exec and Producer

You are the most difficult person to figure out in the seven kingdoms, and while you have seemingly made small steps forward in acquiring the iron throne, you have mostly stayed on the sidelines. You seem safe...for now, but what happens if one of your deceptive plots backfires, it only takes one. This is like the guy that has managed to get a bunch of producer credits seemingly with no talent. He merely connects people. You need a rich guy to finance your film? I know one. You need Kit Harrington for a role? I did shrooms with him at Burning Man! Your influence keeps growing ever so slightly, you like to think that you are a big fish in the development game. But what happens when everyone realizes that you don't actually DO anything. Will they still want to keep you around?

Arya Stark/Chief Compliance Officer

You are driven purely by hate, while once you may have stood for something now you just want to watch all of your enemies burn. As a VP of Corporate Compliance you will take glee in exposing the old tweets of men that didn't call you back, leaking TMZ arrest footage of a guy that once called you a bitch. While Arya may have killed men, you will kill careers and you will always get the last laugh as you banish once famous men to the doldrums of D list reality television.

Jon Snow/Actor

Jon Snow never had any desire to rule yet here he is: a top 3 contender for the throne. Anytime he makes a seemingly terrible decision, fate throws a curve ball that magically resets the game in his favor. As for you, well you have been falling upward your entire career. You started off on a soap opera and then got killed off only to be cast in a prime time drama that was subsequently cancelled after three episodes. Of course you thought this was the end until you were plucked from the ashes to sign a contract to do 9 Marvel movies. Jon Snow succeeds in spite of himself, as do you, probably because of your association with the Church of Scientology.

Daenerys Targaryen/Studio Head

You will win the iron throne because you will let nothing in your path stop you. You will destroy anything in your path including the friends and the enemies that got you here. Your beginnings were humble, you were an office PA at Paramount. From there you jumped to Management 360/Mereen then Showtime/Dragonstone and now here you are as Queen of the Iron Throne/Disney. People live in fear of you, none of your relationships are genuine. Sometimes when you sit down at the end of the day, you have to wonder, was it all worth it? Maybe you should have just lived the life of a commoner in Essos/New Jersey. You could have been married, had children, but now you live in constant fear of a rebellion which you know will come sooner or later

Cersei Lannister/Director

I see you figured out the 4's were the good one, did you? Well you know who else tried to cheat the game? Roman Polanski. And then his wife got murdered by the Manson family and he had to hide in Poland the rest of his life which is probably just as bad as having your three children murdered and then having your brother/lover eventually stab you in the heart. No one is perfect in Westeros and no one is perfect in Hollywood either. Valar Morghulis is a Valaryian idiom that means All Men Must Die, and the same is true in Hollywood, except some of us just leave slightly larger trust funds for our shitty USC grad children. 

No comments:

Post a Comment