Friday, July 14, 2017
The Bumble Game
When I was 13 years old, I fantasized over racing home to get on AOL instant messenger so I could talk to chicks. Back then, I had nothing to say really. Lots of "hey" definitely some "sup?" and a fuck ton of "same." Like many of you, I assumed this was a passing trend. I wouldn't hide behind a keyboard forever. At some point I would grow courage and approach women in public. Perhaps I would see a beautiful woman in a grocery store and ask if I could take her to dinner. Maybe I would spot a girl walking her dog and tell her that I would love to grab a coffee.
As it turns out, I was wrong.
The majority of my relationships still to this day are built on Gchat, text, Snap, whatever else the kids are up to today. I carried on a six week romance with a coworker in the office next to me based upon us just sending eachother BuzzFeed Quizzes and discussing the results, so this gave me an idea.
What follows is a simulation on dating in the modern age. Some of you will succeed, but many, many more of you will fail and call me in tears. (Do not call me in tears as this is not real.) The goal of this exercise is to make Chad your boyfriend. Your ability to do so rests on several decisions you will make along the way. So grab yourself a Pammplemousse La Croix, a Tates bake shop chocolate chip cookie and let's get started.
Meet Chad, 28.
Chad is hot. Chad is a Post Production Coordinator at Fox Broadcast Company and graduated from the University of Southern California.
His location is 3.1 miles away and his bio says the following. "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns. 6'1"
Chad's picture is of him shirtless holding a lacrosse stick. His next photos show him sailing with friends, at a nice dinner with his mother, a selfie on the Great Wall of China and of him wearing a Bromper at a fraternity party.
You do a quick analysis that Chad probably has a great relationship with his mother, enjoys physical fitness and travel and would be a suitable companion. You find his participation in fraternal hijinks troubling but you......oh who are we kidding, this guy is fucking hot and probably rich SWIPE RIGHT.
You go to grab yourself a sparkling Smart Water when *buzz buzz*
HOLY SHIT YOU MATCHED WITH CHAD!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG OMG take a deep breath. You have a nibble, but now you need to say something fun, quirky AND sexy to reel him in. This is too much pressure for one person to handle so you enlist the help of your three coworkers: Meredith, Anna and Kyle.
Meredith: I don't understand how he is wearing a romper at a fraternity party, Male rompers came out 6 months ago and this guy graduated college 6 years ago so either he still parties at his college frat OR he was way ahead of the curve. But anyway, if you want to sound cool I would say something and slightly condescending like "Sweet romper, wanna meet at the 9-0 after work?"
Anna: Ummm this is obvious you JUST went to China. Talk about that! People can talk about the places they've visited for hours, it's so easy. Say "Just got back from China, what was your favorite part?"
Kyle: Well the too close for missiles thing is a Top Gun quote. So maybe ask him if he's An Ice Man or a Maverick? I don't know, I think Bumble is incredibly stupid.
THE DECISION IS YOURS! TO LISTEN TO MEREDITH FIND 1M, TO LISTEN TO ANNA FINA 1A, TO LISTEN TO KYLE GO TO 1K
1M: "Sweet romper, wanna meet at the 9-0 after work?
A long silence follows and you curse Meredith for giving you such terrible advice, but then a buzz in your pocket nearly gives you a stroke.
Chad: "LOL that was at my little brother's graduation in May. One of his roommates ordered a bunch and we put them on, I should really take that photo down."
You: You're feeling confident and you take a stab with this "honestly it's less offensive that the shirtless lax pick IMO, the only thing that could make it worse is if you had a 'Saturdays are for the boys" flag draped over your shoulders.
Chad: "It's in the mail ;)"
This is progress! Some witty banter, Chad is kind of a self-aware but lovable douche, but he's still 6'1" let's play is out. ADVANCE TO 2.
1A: "I just got back from China, what was your favorite part?"
Right away Chad starts typing...
Chad: "Haha, actually I hated China, I just thought that was a great picture."
Ouch. Fucking Anna, what does she know?
Chad: "But, I also went to Thailand that trip and LOVED it."
Nice! You studied abroad in Australia and have been to all of these places.
You: Ya, Communist China certainly isn't as exciting as the Full Moon party or the 2 dollar massages in Thailand.
Chad: OMG right? I literally got one every morning when I woke up and I think my most expensive dinner there was nine dollars!
Good rebound, things are progressing smoothly. ADVANCE TO 2.
1K: "So are you a Maverick or an Iceman?"
20 minutes or so passes.
Chad: "Ice Man."
You: Hmm, care to elaborate?
Another 20 minutes passes.
Chad: I like Val Kilmer.
You: Did you know that Val Kilmer just had a tracheotomy and that's why he covered his neck in his recent Reddit AMA picture?
*silence* after a few minutes you realize that Chad has unmatched you. Remember to always ask open ended questions, never bring up medical procedures that leave holes in one's neck and never ever under any circumstances bring up Reddit. YOU LOSE
2: Thing with Chad have progressed to off-app texting. You have learned among other things that he lives in Santa Monica, plays on a co-ed softball team and brews beer on the weekends. Seems like a pretty cool dude. Today is a Thursday and he is planning on meeting some friends at the Santa Monica Pier for a concert later but wants to know if you want to grab some drinks at Big Dean's before...
Interesting proposition, he is inviting you to drinks but not necessarily the concert with his friends. The positive of this is that there will be no pressure to go home with him and if it sucks at least it will be short because he has a hard out.
That said, it's also kind of shitty that he is giving you only part of a night. Even though you live in Venice and were actually considering going to the Pier Concert anyway.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS TO MEET HIM FOR A DRINK GO TO 2A. TO POLITELY DECLINE GO TO 2B.
2A: You ride your bike down to Big Dean's at 6 o clock and see Chad sitting at an outdoor table with a pitcher and two glasses. You walk in and he looks even better in person. He's wearing a red polo with Chubbies shorts. Usually you think guys that wear Chubbies are assholes, but he pulls them off. He spots you and stands to greet you with a hug.
Chad: Hey! Glad you could make it. I got us a pitcher, but feel free to order whatever you want, except liquor I forgot this place is just beer and wine, sorry!
Endearing, he's already apologizing!
You: Beer is great.
Chad: Do you want some food? I've heard the burgers are surprisingly good here.
You: I just ate, but thanks!
You and Chad discuss normal first date things. He didn't want to be a post coordinator but just kind of fell into it. You tell him all about your job doing millenial market research and he pretends to be interested. Things are going so well that you guys even order a second pitcher this time. He let's you pick, you go with Pacifico. As it gets closer to 7:30 he asks for the check. A lovely first date! You think to yourself but then he springs this on you...
Chad: Hey you doing anything right now? Come with! This Australian indie band is playing and my buddy Mike is picking up lots of Bay Cities, it's going to be great.
Decision time: On one hand Chad is cool and you wouldn't mind hanging out with him some more. On the other you don't want to seem tooooo available and is this a pity invite?
TO GO TO THE SHOW FIND 2C TO GO HOME FIND 2D
2C: "Sure, let's do it."
You make the brief stroll to the beach where Chad's pal Mike has cordoned off a large piece of real estate. Along with Bay Cities, Mike also brought a ton of wine and also his slutty cousin Liz. More and more of Chad's friends (both men and women) and everyone is super nice to you (except slutty cousin Liz who looks like she was hoping to fuck Chad) the concert is a blast. You drink a lot (maybe too much) and at the end of the night Chad offers to bike home with you.
You: "But you live in Santa Monica, Venice is the opposite direction."
Chad: "I don't mind, I like hanging out with you."
Chad bikes you back to your Rose Avenue bungalow. You share a romantic kiss in your doorway, he smiles and bikes away. You're fucking killing it. PROCEED TO 3.
Nothing, you haven't heard anything from Chad in a couple days. And while you may think he's been busy at work or maybe had to leave town, the real reason is that Chad's friend Mike brought his cousin Liz to the pier on Thursday night. Liz is hot but also extremely slutty. With lots of red wine flowing at the pier and Liz's extremely forward advances, Chad decided to go home and fuck Liz on Thursday night, and in fact now Chad is on his way down to Orange County to do a weekend at Mike and Liz's grandparents' beach house. This equals a lot of sex for Chad and a lot of regret for you. CONGRATS, YOU GOT GHOSTED.
3. Other than some light texting today, no major developments. You both had a good time, both agree to hang out again, but at lunch a new opportunity presents itself.
Chad: Yoooo, so Mike decided to go down to his beach house this weekend and now I have an extra ticket to Odesza tonight. You want to come?
Hmm, you're not quite sure what an Odesza is...probably some dance music. Also you have plans with your best friend Megan tonight, you guys are supposed to get dinner at SoHo House and then see Girl's Trip. Megan just broke up with her boyfriend and you feel like you should be there for her...but also the hot guy you went on a date with last night wants to see you again TONIGHT.
Decision time: TO NOT GO PLEASE ADVANCE TO 3A, TO GO PLEASE GO TO 3B.
You: Hey Chad, would love to go tonight but my best friend Megan just went through a bad a break up and I promised her a girl's night. Rain check?
Chad: Totally understand. You're being a good friend. I'll hit you up after!
PROCEED TO 4.
You: I was supposed to hang out with my friend Megan tonight, but she'll live. Let's do it!
You arrive at Expo park in downtown LA. The average age of the attendees is 19, an inexplicably 90% of the attendees are half Mexican and half Asian. You were previously unaware at how much these two minorities were sexually attracted to each other. You're having a great time with Chad when you happen to bump into one of Chad's buddies who calls himself 'Tigger.' Tigger offers you and Chad some molly. Not wanting to look like a square. You do some, and to be fair, it enhances the experience. The lights, the bass, it's all great. You and Chad dance around a bit, you make out. This is fun.
Unfortunately, Chad takes a turn for the worse. Maybe he took a little too much, maybe he drank a bit too much. In any event, Tigger thinks it best for him to take Chad home. Tigger helps you to an Uber and you instruct it to take you back to Venice, you tell your Uber driver that you will give him a 10 dollar cash tip if he takes you through the McDonald's drive thru. You wake up the following morning with 20 McNuggets in bed with you.
PROCEED TO 4.
Chad: I feel awful.
You find it equally parts endearing and embarrassing that Chad is so hungover after going to a rave. Actually scratch that, it's 100% endearing. You decide that you want to do something for him. Should you offer to drive over and tend to him, knowing that you will probably end up giving him a blow job? Or would that be too forward. You know that the only thing you want in the world after a heavy night of drinking is a giant pizza...
So, you playing the nurse or sending a care package?
TO OFFER TO PAY CHAD A VISIT GO TO 4A, TO SEND HIM A PIZZA GO TO 4B.
You: "I'm sorry you're not feeling good. How about I come over and make it all better." The implied offer of sex is so thinly veiled that a denial at this point would be the ultimate slap in the face. But you forgot one important thing. No one wants to be touched for a good 48 hours following a Molly bender. Sometimes you just have to lay on the couch covered in 15 blankets and let the darkness sink in.
Chad: Actually, I think I'm just going to order some Post Mates and watch the first 10 episodes of The OC today. Thanks for the offer though, we'll hang soon.
"Soon" was not what you had in mind. You receive sporadic texts the next few weeks, mostly on weekend nights after midnight. Eventually you do agree to meet Chad out at Townhouse and you end up going home with him and having sex. The next morning he leaves at 8am to play golf with his friends and he doesn't text you for another week.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE BEEN BENCHED.
Knowing that a person completely devoid of serotonin isn't always a great hang you decide to give Chad the day off. But you also remember that Pizza Hut gift card your mom put in your stocking last year at Christmas and decide to make a nice gesture. You text Mike from the pier and he gives you Chad's address and you send over a Pizza Hut dinner box which includes 2 large pizzas, breadsticks, cinnamon sticks and an order of wings.
One hour later you get the following text...
Chad: Did you just send me over 20 bucks of Pizza Hut?
You: Feel better champ. ;)
Chad: I think I'm in love.
PROCEED TO 5.
5. By Sunday Chad is feeling quite a bit better and as you leave your morning spin class, you see a text from Chad.
Chad: Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to watch Game of Thrones tonight. I'm even going to cook!
You: Wow what a gentleman, you're offering me tits, dragons AND a meal?
Chad: Or you could stay home and I'll send you some take-out.
You: Sure, what time?
You expect that this will be another group thing, but it turns out, it's just the two of you. You bring a bottle of wine that pairs well with the chicken parm that Chad grilled up and you enjoy a romantic hour of incest, murder and rape. You're cuddling when the credits roll and you realize that you don't really want to go home.
Chad: Do you want to stay?
You: You think I'm going to have sex with you four days after I met you? No you have to at least invite me back for The Bachelorette finale tomorrow night.
Chad: Bachelorette finale it is!
You: Hey Chad...
You: If I stay tonight can I still come back for the Bachelorette finale tomorrow night?
Chad: How about we do it at your place? Women always have more comfortable beds and I bet you can cook better than me.
You walk into Chad's bedroom and shut the door, confident that this relationship will last at least another week.
CONGRATULATIONS YOU MADE CHAD YOUR BOYFRIEND, FOR A FEW WEEKS AT LEAST... AFTER WHICH YOU WILL BREAK UP AND AS SOON AS YOU ARE OVER HIM HE WILL BREAD CRUMB YOU BACK INTO HIS CLUTCHES AND RESTART THE WHOLE CYCLE HAHA YOU CANNOT WIN!!!!!!!!!! LOLZ