Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The United States of Hate

Despite my fun loving personality and annoying optimism, I actually hate quite a few things. I hate being broke, I hate Los Angeles street cleaning and I hate the fact that I once lost a job for giving an honest opinion on high waisted jeans. I also kind of hate the comedy of Kumail Nanjiani (his stand up, I'm sure he's a wonderful person and I can't wait to see his movie, but his smug measured delivery never really did it for me) That said, one of my favorite moments in this year's season of Silicon Valley is when his character bonds with a woman over a shared hatred, in this case their hatred of Martin Freeman's character Gilfoyle.

Apparently among the millions of dating apps there is one called HATER that has keyed into this specific level of attraction, people pulled together by the things they despise the most. You probably saw it on the internet today. What I wanted to do this afternoon was author a quick breakdown of my thoughts on the map, as I stereotype large swaths of the country and become a little less likable.

So as the Queen of Dragons says, "Shall we begin?"

*Also while I am not going to create a HATER profile, if there are women out there that also hate high waisted jeans and think fashion peaked in 2003 with Season 1 Marissa Cooper, hit me up, my DMs are open.

ALABAMA: Vegetarianism
Look I get it; animals are cool. I cried at the end of Bambi. Upton Sinclair's The Jungle made my skin crawl and I even felt bad for all the little super pigs at the end of Okja. That said; if you think I am going to go a single week without eating meat 21 times the rest of my life, you are insane. That would be like cutting off my own dick because I'm bothered by sexual assault. No? It's nothing like that? Sorry, I'm not great with metaphors.

ALASKA: Graffiti
Graffiti is all good and well until it happens to you. I kind of chuckle when I see a Venice gang has tagged a new fence in Oakwood or something. 'Hey maybe rent won't continue to skyrocket after all!' But rest assured if I got home and someone had spray painted "FAGGOT" in green paint on my Mini Cooper, my day would be ruined.

I too hate sand. When I was newly initiated into the frat, the pledges filled my room with sand one night and I never got it all out. Living in Venice, there is a constant layer of sand on basically everything I own, but I also have the ocean. So the sand in my bed, in my shower, in my wine glass, that's just the cost of doing business. But Arizona doesn't have a beach, so I feel their pain.

ARKANSAS: Cleaning
I think it's fairly safe to say that most people do not enjoy cleaning. I know that there are some women that claim that it can be therapeutic, but I think that these are the same women that reject feminism and write blogs titled 'there is nothing wrong with being a professional mom.' I agree, my mother never worked, but given unlimited resources I have no doubt she would have let a live in housekeeper do the cleaning while we went on extravagant play dates instead.

CALIFORNIA: Fidget Spinners
Such a weak entry from my current state. There is so much to hate about California: traffic, rent prices, the idiots that dress up in costumes on Hollywood Boulevard, and y'all came up with fidget spinners? A fad that lasted all of 12 days? No wonder every film released these days is based on existing IP, creativity in the Bear Republic is clearly dead.

True story: I always shit on boy bands in middle school because it was the cool thing to do. Despite my constant trashing of Justin Timberlake, I made my mom drive me straight to Best Buy after school the day No Strings Attached came out and I listened to it in secret for years. Cut to: I'm in college, it's fun to ironically listen to boy band music and I learn the entire dance to 'Bye, Bye, Bye' for serenades and I had sex in my house manager's office shortly thereafter due in large part to N*Sync.

A very pragmatic answer from the people of Hartford. There is a lot of snow in Connecticut but not necessarily a lot of cool shit to do in said snow. I like Winter because I get about two weekends of it a year, as it turns out, that is the perfect amount.

DELAWARE: Casey Affleck
Holy shit, there has to be a story here. Does Delaware have some sort of affinity for Denzel Washington and holds Affleck responsible for robbing their guy of an Oscar? Perhaps the chick that Affleck allegedly sexually assaulted on the set of 'I'm Still Here" was from Dover? I need answers.

FLORIDA: Workout Couples
I agree! No i don't want to run with you, go to a spin class or god forbid yoga. Couples that workout together look like major assholes. (This doesn't apply to activities such as biking or hiking or kayaking...specifically general exercise that most of the population hates.) The only possible pro to working out with a partner is the possibility of shower sex that follows, but to be honest I'm much more into the idea of shower sex as a 9am on a Sunday activity as opposed to a post 10 mile run activity. Sweat is gross.

GEORGIA: Tuna Salad
Oddly specific, I don't like tuna salad either, but I'm shocked that there was an entire population of a state that decided that this was the one thing in the world they hated more than anything else. Maybe the service only has one user in Georgia and he had a bad experience with cat food and pledgeship.

HAWAII- Taking videos at concerts
Ya I guess. Literally no one in the world gives a shit about your concert video, and you are never going to watch it again. It's best to live in the moment I suppose. But how is anyone going to know that you're at this sick fucking set at Pitchfork if you don't let all of Snapchat know that you're living your best life?

IDAHO- Asking for directions
Such a great red state answer. I bet the average single in Idaho also refuses to use things like Waze or even basic GPS. You know what? He probably doesn't even use a map. He eyeballs the route based on the general direction and the sun's position in the sky and hopes for the best.

ILLINOIS- Biting string cheese
OMG I AM SO HERE FOR THIS ANSWER. If you bite string cheese you are literally the worst. Yes I realize that there are many dictators throughout human history that have committed terrible atrocities, but none of them have done anything to me and every time you chomp on string cheese I come quite close to losing my lunch.

INDIANA- Bloggers
This was the popular joke on the internet today. But I'm going to cut my home state a little break here. I am going to assume that the good people of the Hoosier state do not hate all people that write on the internet but rather chicks that turn 28 and say 'I'm a lifestyle blogger now. Ask me where I got my shoes and my new kale recipe.' Then again I'm 30 and write a blog  that primarily details with partying hard way past your prime and why all your relationships are failing. (Spoiler alert: It's because they guys are partying hard way past their prime)

IOWA- Long hair on guys
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Though this explains what my dad always offers to pay for my haircut when I'm at home)

KANSAS- Seinfeld
This is interesting because while most people in the rural midwest generally detest New York, Kansas is the exact reason that we still have network multi-cap sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory in 2017. I always thought that Seinfeld was maybe a B and a tad overrated. Remind me to Google 'Kansas antisemitism' later and report my findings.
KENTUCKY- Friends that ask you to help them move
LOL. The cool car to have in Indiana when I was in high school was an SUV. If you were poor you got a Blazer, middle class an Explorer, rich a Navigator or an Escalade. But I got myself a tiny ass Pontiac Grand Am GT with two fucking doors. Do you know why? Because that thing was small and cramped and awful when there were more than 2 people in it. Result? I never had to drive ANYWHERE. I was fucked up all of high school riding around in the third row of a Trailblazer laughing at sober Dan driving my ass back to Geist. When y'all were playing checkers I was playing chess. It's no coincidence that I have a Mini Cooper now. I imagine the cool kids in Kentucky have tricked out F-150s, but the smart ones are driving fucking Smart Cars.

LOUISIANA- Being the designated driver
GET A TWO DOOR CAR YOU DUMB CAJUNS! YOU'LL NEVER DRIVE! It's not like this matters anyway though. The law might nominally be .08 in Louisiana but this state also sells cocktails in drive thrus. I'm pretty sure 'being the designated driver' means having 6 hand grenades instead of 10. I applaud that they find this to be such a major pain point though. I also hate it when someone cuts me off after 6 drinks.

MAINE- Boys Night
Lot of people on Twitter bitching recently about 'Saturdays are for the boys.' I'm pretty sure every single one of them had a guy break up with them because he wanted to go do cocaine with his friends instead of going to another farmer's market. I hope we're moving to a place where some day a happy couple will be able to say 'Hey, I'm going to a farmer's market!' 'Cool, I'm going to do drugs! 'Great see you at home!'

MARYLAND- Cheap Coffee
Expected this from Washington, was not aware of the Baltimore French Press scene.

LOL Boston never disappoints.

MICHIGAN- Pride and Prejudice
But how do they feel about it once the zombies are added?

MINNESOTA- Drinking Alone it weird that sometimes I prefer it?

Fun fact: I have never had anal sex and it's my go to in Never Have I Ever. It's always a little funny to see all your friends shamefully drink to it thus admitting the deed, especially if they've been dating forever. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith that the Mississippians are implying they hate the gays without saying they hate the gays, because specifically saying you hate straight anal just seems bizarre. Personally I am largely indifferent to all types of anal sex.

MISSOURI- People who believe in aliens
I think most people that believe in aliens actually just WANT to believe in aliens. Most of us live fairly boring lives and if a spaceship crash landed in the Ozarks or on top of a Donny and Marie show in Branson that would be fucking awesome. It's the same feeling I have when I wake up each morning hoping there is an incredible celebrity scandal. So I don't know what makes the people of Missouri so damn cool that they don't need the hope of aliens to keep their lives interesting. The Cardinals aren't even good this year.

MONTANA- Going to the gym
Don't we all? My desire to go to the gym is only slightly eclipsed by how much I hate myself when I'm the fattest person at beach volleyball. But Montana people probably don't have that problem.

NEBRASKA- Friendly Reminder Emails
Mixed emotions on this one. On one hand I do not need to know that half of my high school friends in Indiana are waiting for me to confirm our connection on LinkedIn. On the other, I just got an email from Jinder Mahal reminding me about his PUNJABI PRISON MATCH this Sunday on the WWE Network. WTF is a Punjabi prison match? Sounds racist. I'M IN!

NEVADA- FeminismYa I'm not going to touch this with a ten foot poll, though from a Marketing standpoint (and according to the Kelley School of Business I am an expert in this field) I would tell Katy Perry that if you build a career on having big tits and then suddenly chop your hair off and wear loose fitting clothes your album isn't going to sell.

Lol. Bernie lost, it's time to move on. If you really want to realize your dream of a hippie commune, there is probably a Danish chick that will marry you and you can have free health care, free grad school, free basic income and hang out all day in Christiania. Wait a second, wtf am I doing here?

NEW JERSEY- Jellyfish
Was not aware of the jellyfish epidemic on the Jersey shore. Between this and the Always Sunny episode, I'm convinced I never need to travel there.

NEW MEXICO- Polo Shirts
Oh fuck you! But I bet your college house parties were lit you fucking geeds.

NEW YORK- Times Square
Ah yes, the smugness is high in this response, but I get it. I hate Hollywood with all my heart and any time someone begs to see the walk of fame I implore them to let us do something else. I know you want to get a selfie taking a dump on Trump's star but that meme is over man.

I don't think anyone loves going through a DUI checkpoint. It's the driving equivalent of going through TSA. 'Oh shit are they going to be dick heads about my break light?' is the "Is there an old bag of weed in one of my shorts pockets?" I saw a guy get kicked off a plane recently for vaping in the bathroom, he was issued a citation and told the FBI would be contacting him. The feds don't fuck around,

While I seriously doubt that there are tapas restaurants in Fargo, I agree that tapas are bullshit. At some point someone at BIG TAPAS convinced white girls that small plates are fun and cool because you get to try a lot and stay skinny! In all actuality it is an expensive and unsatisfying meal that will always lead me to a late night food truck.

OHIO- Tying a tie
Fun fact: I don't know how to tie a tie! I was a god damn business major! My dad would tie 10 ties for me at the beginning of the semester and I would just never take the knot out. This is the real reason I moved to LA to become an unemployed writer.

OKLAHOMA- Hearing the latest gossip
To be fair, there probably isn't a lot of great gossip in OKC. Maybe Paul George will knock up a stripper or an offensive lineman for the Sooners will be recorded saying the N bomb, but that's the best you can hope for. National gossip is lit though, and anyone that doesn't enjoy it is just a liar.

OREGON- Spin class
Of course a bunch of crunchy hipsters don't like spin class. Their skin tight jeans are not made for such an activity. Oregon sucks. It's like if Silverlake was a whole state. You can have your fucking fair trade coffee, imperial stouts and facial hair and leave the hell alone. We value physical attractiveness and exercise here in Los Angeles, not beard grooming.

PENNSYLVANIA- People who use money clips
Boring answer from a boring state. I was really hoping for something pro Joe Paterno here, but alas Pennsylvania has let me down.

RHODE ISLAND- Middle America

SOUTH CAROLINA- Edward Snowden
MIKE and KIM are on a first date.
Kim: I really don't understand why people worry about privacy if they're not doing anything wrong.
Mike: Right? And what's with closing Gitmo, it's just a bunch of Muslims anyway!
Kim: Wanna go shoot guns and fuck?
Mike: Check please!

SOUTH DAKOTA- The New York Times

LOL suck it failing NYT, FAKE NEWS!!! Nate Cohn is totally a cuck!

TENNESSEE- Foraged Food
I don't know what this is.
*Googles foraged food*
Ok apparently it's when you hike around the woods and pick weeds and eat them, kinda like the main character from Into the Wild. Didn't work out too well for him, huh?

TEXAS- Sleeping with the window open
I also don't like sleeping with the window open because I am afraid of bugs coming in through the window and landing on my face. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because a gnat is buzzing near my ear and I hate it. I also always kind of think that a bad guy will come in through my window and attack me though I'm sure that is a Texan's wet dream because they probably sleep with their guns and fantasize about 'standing their ground.'

UTAH- Porn

VERMONT- Waiting in line
When does anyone in Vermont, the 49th most populous state, have to wait in line? I understand though, I bypassed the McDonald's drive thru yesterday because the line was long and went straight to Taco Bell. No line. Highlight of my week so far.

VIRGINIA- Dabbing pizza grease with a napkin
I concur. Let the grease consume you. I don't find a slice of pizza to be greasy enough unless I can physically feel my arteries clogging afterward.

I knew we would get some coffee snobbery out of Seattle. Can I share something horrific with you? My dad, an otherwise reasonable man, reuses K-cups. Like he has a little drawer of used K cups that he can reuse because apparently he doesn't like his coffee too strong. This is why I don't go home more often.

WASHINGTON DC- The idea that everyone has a soul mate
DC is a godless place full of horrible people but this just sounds like a warning shot for when you inevitably get caught having an affair.
No you said you didn't believe in 'soul mates.'

I have to say, I'm REALLY enjoying the Uber'Lyft wars right now. It's like a race to the bottom on price. I got to Hollywood last weekend for about 8 dollars. What I don't understand is the new tipping thing and why that is such a marketing point lately. I don't WANT to tip my drivers and before it was Uber and Lyft's fault. But now that it's an option, I feel compelled to. It's kind of like how I feel it's not my fault when i don't tip at Starbucks because there is no tip line. I HATE when I buy carry out and there's a tip line. GOD DAMMIT TAKE YOUR DOLLAR AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

I don't like the idea of trap music, but if you are 32 beers deep at a Baauer show, it's tough to not have a good time. Then again, 33 beers usually lead to a good time. 

WYOMING- Gluten-free
I agree! Gluten-free isn't real! People with 'celiacs' are just weak stomached cowards! I pride myself on the fact that I eat McDonald's 4 times a week, never get a stomach ache and never gain weight. Sucks to suck! *Dies at 49 of a massive heart attack caused by high cholesterol* 

No comments:

Post a Comment