Thursday, July 27, 2017

F*ckboy Bingo

The internet is a strange place that never seems to be able to come to a general consensus. For this article I did extreme amounts of research into what a fuckboy is. I read articles called "Is Ed Sheeren really a fuckboy in disguise?" I read something on Vice called "Are you a Soundcloud fuccboi?" I went deep on Black Twitter. I saw memes. There were egg plant and sprinkling emojis everywhere (also a lot of words that traditionally end in -ck changed to -cc, I don't understand that yet)

Alas, no one is quite sure what the definition of a fuckboy is. I read articles on Thought Catalog on how to spot a fuckboy emerging none the wiser. Even my old stand by Urban Dictionary gave me this muddled garbage:

Fuck Boy - A person who is a weak ass pussy that ain't bout shit.

Well the truth is, I've met plenty of fuckboys, and lots of them ARE bout shit. Hell, I wrote an entire post nine months ago called American Fuckboy where I sought this exact answer. But instead of re-litigating that whole mess I will start with this, some people think a fuckboy is a guy who cheats. I tend to think that just constitutes an asshole. In my privileged liberal echo chamber of Los Angeles a fuck boy is more of a douche; a selfish, somewhat aloof guy who has zero intention of ever making you something more than a casual hook-up.

I know that guy, because that guy is me. In fact, on the following Bingo board that I am about to show you, I have likely used every one of these excuses multiple times. You probably knew they were bullshit, but today, because I am a traitor to my gender I am going to tell you exactly what each of them means. Hopefully moving forward this will help you in your quest to rid yourself of the fuckboy, the most contagious of pests.

'We should get together some time'
A classic after a one night stand. One of the following likely happened: he followed up with a mutual friend and got some bad intel OR he didn't enjoy the experience OR he looked at your Facebook photo when he sobered up and is now having buyer's remorse. Whatever the case, by not setting a date and time he can slowly ghost you out. Even if you are the aggressor he will just 'be busy' until you give up.

'I'm not feeling well'
I did drugs until 6 in the morning last night with my bros. Please stop texting me.

'Send pics'
I could jack off to a picture of your tits right now but I definitely don't want you to come over.

'I'll hit you up later'
I'm out with my homies in search of better offers, but if I strike out I'll hit you up.

'I was out of town'
The OOT trip is the ghoster's best friend. Especially if they were somewhere 'remote' like mountains or a lake with spotty cell reception. Nothing kills momentum like a solid 7 day trip to a different area code.

'Let's hang *insert school night here*'
I enjoy having sex with you, but you're not worth a prime weekend slot, except maybe in the mid afternoon Sunday post brunch pre Game of Thrones position.

'I have a friend in town'
I'm with another chick.

'I'm bringing a friend'

'What are you up to late night?'
Hey! I struck out, you have now risen to the top of my priority list.

'Ugh, that's too far.'
One of my personal favorites. The truth is, if you aren't that into someone, across the street is too fucking far. Conversely, I once drove to Phoenix Arizona in a Chevrolet Cobalt that didn't have air conditioning to see a chick. So when a guy tells you that where you are is 'too far' what it really means is he has done a quick SWOT analysis and decided that watching pron and going to bed would be a better option.

(Last minute) 'Hey what are you up to tonight?'
All my friends are busy/with their girlfriends/I have literally nothing better to do.

'Wanna go on a hike?'
I'm too broke/don't care enough to take you on a date.

'Wanna watch a movie?'
I'm too broke/don't care enough to take you on a date. Also I just cleaned my apartment for the first time in 4 months.

'My phone was dead'
I saw that you texted, but the mere thought of communicating with you after I had been mainlining Molly for 18 hours gave me so much existential dread that I locked my phone in a drawer, bought some Xanax from the neighbor and started a rewatch of Lost Season 3.

'I'm too (insert honestly anything here) to have a girlfriend right now.'
I'm a young, attractive, employed male. Do you know how easy it is for me out there? I don't even have to try! Why would I commit to dating someone and have to do things like share a bed or control of the tv remote. No, I'm all set thanks.

I'm not responding to you because as much as you gossip to your friends about me, I literally think of you less than I wonder about what happened to the career of Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

"OMG you're at (insert place) I love it there!"
This is the classic opener of a breadcrumb. Homeboy is on a cold streak and by mentioning something he saw on your Instagram he is giving you the requisite attention he thinks will make you come crawling back. My advice would be to respond with either 'oh' 'cool' or absolutely nothing. But you know you're going to say 'we should go some time' and you'll be back in his bed tomorrow *sigh*

"Are you busy Friday?"
I got roped into some sort of group date thing and I need a desperation plus one to avoid awkwardness.

"Sorry, I've been busy."
Busy fucking other chiiiiiicks!

'Come over'
I'm blacked out.

'Come party'
I'm blacked out AND on drugs.

'I ordered a pizza. I miss you.'
I'm blacked out AND on drugs AND there is no way that I am going to be awake by the time you or that pizza get here.

'What's your Instagram?'
I don't remember your name and I don't remember what you look like. Need to find out if hot.

'I'm too drunk to come over.'
I won't be able to get it up even if come over so what's the point? Might as well stop it at I'm too drunk to come...heyoooo

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