Merry Fifthmas

Christmas in Venice, 2013

I'm working on a Curb spec with a friend right now. One of the scenes takes place with Larry David going to Cafe Gratitude in Venice to meet his new Bohemian girlfriend for lunch.
If you are unfamiliar, Cafe Gratitude is full of a bunch of new age hippies and the menu reflects this. Instead of ordering a breakfast burrito you would say something like "I feel empowered." It's weird. It feels like a cult, kind of like the cult that Andrew Keegan started a couple blocks down that very street.

Anyway, I had never actually been, but today I stopped in for a coffee...you know for research.

"I'll have a coffee black to-go please."

"You are COURAGEOUS!"

"Um thanks."

"Can I get your name please?"

"Dave."

"Dave you are courageous!"

"Uh ok."

I wait a couple minutes and some guy comes out and says "Dave?"

"Yes, that's me."

"You are courageous, have a magical day!"

Ok, that's not made up. And the guy that brought me my coffee seemed not to buy into it wholly, more like he had a script he needed to read in order to keep his job. The person that took my order? Well I think a gay black man that wears glitter on his face found his calling as a Cafe Gratitude barista.

I suppose the gimmick is to make you feel good about yourself? I mean the coffee cup literally said on it hundreds of times "You are courageous!" It literally made me feel like I had saved an entire military convoy and rescued kittens from a burning building. I'm a motherfucking hero because I ordered coffee. Or perhaps this is just more of the participatory culture we have created. You get a trophy just for showing up. I mean if I am courageous just for ordering a coffee, what do I get if I order a red-eye. You know a black coffee with an espresso shot? Do they say "Dave, you are a GOD DAMN MIRACLE WORKER." They set the bar pretty low.

But it got me thinking, what if the place was re-named Cafe FRATitude and they ever so slightly tweaked the the positive empowerment message...

"Hey man, I'll have a coffee black to-go please."

"You're fucking money baby."

"Ha thanks."

"Can I get your name bro?"

"Dave."

"Dave, you're so fucking money and you don't even know it."

"Cool."

"Yo Dave is so fucking money, he is going to get laid tonight and make her cum...TWICE."

"Appreciate it dude."

"Oh and I threw a shot of whiskey in there for you boss...thank me later."

I'm not sure if this entire restaurant gimmick is sustainable, but it would at least make for a humorous short. I'll be staffing a writer's room shortly, so start coming up with your best bro empowerment menu items.

Speaking of frat stuff. Tonight is my favorite day of the year; The Phi Psi secret Santa Fifth Exchange. Well it's not really a Phi Psi thing anymore, it just started that way. At this point (at least with the LA edition, word is these are still active in many cities across the country) it's more of an IU reunion of sorts. We're all busy and have shit going on in our lives, but it's the one night a year we drop everything and make it a point to be together...and get absolutely wrecked.

The first fifth exchange I participated in was in 2006. I know because my gift was Gold Strike (knock off Goldschlager) The original rule was that no one was allowed to leave the frat house until all the bottles were finished. At that point, we drove around pledges drove us from sorority to sorority where we would sing Christmas Carols (or the Dreidel song to AEPhi...which was hilarious) until someone vomited and we were asked to leave or the girls brought us more booze.

My senior year, it just so happened that two of my good pals received 2 of the 3 ingredients for the legendary see ya shot. Wouldnt you know it? I had the third. I also had a 5am flight to Chicago for an interview the next morning. Fortunately when I got pulled over outside IND at 3:45, I told the officer about my interview and he wished me luck. (I had slept from 12-3...I'm sure I was fine)

After graduation, it was important to me to keep the tradition going. From 2009-2011 we kept the tradition going in Chicago, adding a roasting element to the mix. A lot of people were given Mt. Gay Rum that year, because what is more funny than calling one of your best buds gay?

Then I moved to LA and the current iteration was started. Our first year we had 8 guys in a condo in Marina Del Rey. I finished my Jack Honey and passed out while the rest of my friends got trapped in an elevator for 3 hours and were rescued by the jaws of life...passing out early sometimes has its perks.

So again the time of year is upon us. We will all dress up in our wittiest Christmas sweaters (over under on reindeer sex is at 10) and wait upstairs for the signal. Once Santa arrives we will all sprint downstairs and wait for Vender the Jewish Christmas elf to hand out our presents one by one. Mind you girls will not be allowed at this point. Just 30 dudes and some buffalo dip. (You're all welcome)

Once we have all opened our gifts, guessed our secret Santa and taken a celebratory photo for history's sake, the madness will begin.

We'll all start drinking our bottles of booze straight and with ice because obviously no one thought to get mixers or maybe a few beers. We'll talk about how this is awesome and we should all hang out more and we'll promise to do so, but we won't because it gets harder as you grow older.

Friends, girls, girlfriends, side pieces, wives will begin to show up and one of them will have had the wherewithal to bring a case of Red Bull and we will set in for a night of aggressive debauchery. Maybe we'll storm to Townhouse? Maybe we'll sit on the roof and smoke cigarettes, I suppose it doesn't matter. Classic Christmas carols will fade into Mariah Carey which will inevitably fade into Diplo...is there an EDM Christmas album yet? I would totally buy it. Some will call it as early as 12, some will watch the sun rise and tomorrow somewhere on San Miguel there will be about 30 half empty bottles of booze and a lingering smell of...well something.

Some will wake up and do the Santa Monica Christmas 10k, some will immediately resume drinking and head to Santa Crawl on Main Street and we will all pick up the pieces Sunday and start to pack for our trips home.

I love Christmas, I love the lights, the sweaters, the festivities, the food, the gifts but most importantly the time with friends and family. I live far away from my actual family, so in a way my friends have become that for me, and of course I get to spend time with my parents and brother next week which will be fantastic. But what I'm most thankful for as the Holidays rapidly approach, is a month in which I get to celebrate life and the people I chose to spend mine with.

Happy Holidays everyone, I hope you enjoy these next few weeks as much as me and I hope Santa brings you everything you wanted this Christmas.

Ranking the Whole Foods dining options

While Vice is telling you to grow up* and Gawker asks if old Benedict is getting ass fucked hard enough in his new Oscar contender, I am still here for you.

Yes while others will deride my beautiful Starbucks lover** for being Racist and some will demand you experience Frozen through a queer lens;*** I am here to promote the classic post-frat perspective that you have come to love (or hate) and as I imagine my readers don't give a fuck about the feminist perspective on Gone Girl or the ethics of Serial,**** I decided to pick something my largely white country club, upper middle class (raised) city dwelling followers DO have a passion for...the meal ready food options at Whole Foods!

* But big ups to that guy for introducing me to the phrase "quartering grams" which I'm pretty sure is what I spent 2009-2011 doing

** I know those aren't the right fucking words but it makes me laugh thinking of someone writing a "Taylor Swift is racist because she only dates the traditional Starbucks customer" column. Seriously we're that close to someone calling Taylor a racist simply because she doesn't publicly fuck rappers like she was a Kardashian.

*** One of their arguments is "Elsa's dress doesn't become fabulous until she sings 'Let it Go.' Seriously.

**** Jay's last name is Wilds and I don't give a fuck if you find his Facebook and spam him, because he's a bitch and a liar and I know that piece of shit did it.

Ok, if you aren't squirming too much at my politically incorrect sentiment read on...wait let me get it all out of my system.

I drank red wine and ate popcorn while watching the Ferguson riots on my 12 foot TV.

Ok now we can continue.

WHOLE FOODS. It's the best right? I mean given my income or lack thereof I should probably be shopping at Smart and Final or Ralph's at best. But going to Whole Foods makes me feel good about myself. It's cool, it's fun. It's a fucking scene. I might see a girl I banged once and she'll think, "You know what, maybe I don't regret it THAT much. I mean this guy shops at Whole Foods, he clearly has his shit together. Maybe I'll fuck him again."

That of course is a lie. I do not have my shit together. I go to Whole Foods to grab dinner and bottles of wine that cost $3.50. But no one knows that. Maybe I go there and pick out organic ingredients for a meal I read about on Pinterest. You don't know that I'm there for the dollar tacos on Tuesday only. Sometimes I roll to WF after shamefully picking up some paper towels or batteries at the dollar store. God I hope I never see any past lovers in the 99 cent store, that would be about as bad as running into one at the free HIV test clinics.

But I digress, the point is, there are lots of meal options when you go to Whole Foods, it's almost like a college food court but significantly nicer and nothing is free. That said, I have sampled all of the food options at the #SWPL mecca and today I shall rank them for you. I know, doing God's work here, thank me later.

9. Vegan Grill
Nope!

8. Sushi bar
I briefly dated a chick that was all about Whole Foods sushi, but the reality is, it just isn't any good. I like the idea of Whole Foods having excellent sushi. It's a great meal option when you want something a little light, or need an excuse to gorge on Pinot Grigio...but WF sushi is a watered down substitute for the far superior Sugarfish. I typically only get this when I am going to the pier concerts and I want to impress a bunch of chicks. "OHHHH YOU PACKED WHOLE FOODS SUSHI AS A SNACK? YOU'RE SO FANCY." Then later at Big Dean's when I ask her if we can go bang it out in one of their port-o-potties I lose all sushi credibility. But ya, pass on the sushi bar.

7. The Sandwich Shop
I don't know man, I just don't get it. If I want a hot sandwich it's 5 dollar foot long all day. If I want a cold sandwich, I dunno, I go to a sandwich place? I never crave cold cuts, I think they're stupid. When I wanted a snack when I was a kid, I didn't make my self a roast beef sandwich. If all we had was cold roast beef, I would just eat a handful of it because I'm gross. I am not the target market for a 12 dollar "artisan" sandwich. Probably because I don't really do toppings. Maybe the arugula is dope at Whole Foods and that's what people are all about. I really only pay 12 dollars for a picnic style sandwich if I'm at the Malibu Country Mart on my way to Malibu Wines and want to impress a chick. "OHHHH YOU TOOK ME TO AN OLD SCHOOL COUNTRY MART TO GET A SANDWICH? YOU'RE SO FANCY." Then later after bottle 3 at MW when I ask her if she wants to go bang it out in a port-o-potty I lose all sandwich credibility. I'm noticing a pattern.

6. Stir Fry Bar
The first time I got a Teriyaki Bowl at Whole Foods I accidentally dumped an entire bottle of garlic salt in the bowl. I still ate it, but you know, it was pretty shitty. I ordered another one tonight and I think the bowl with a half pound of garlic salt was significantly better. I went dark meat tonight though, I didn't want to shell out the extra 30 cents for all white. Maybe that's on me. The truth is, I don't eat a massive variety of food, so if I have already had a burger, some pizza and some tacos (and choked down a heavily dressed salad) in a 48 hours, there isn't much left in my repertoire so I default to something meh like a Teriyaki bowl. Flame Broiler has a much better Teriyaki Bowl than Whole Foods. So does that one place in Westwood, and if you truck all the way out there you get to reward yourself with some Diddy Riese (ice cream sandwiches) Fun fact, my first year in LA I mobbed around frat parties at UCLA with my buddy's little brother claiming to be a fifth year transfer student because I literally have no shame. I may or may not have shacked at the Kappa house on Hilgard at the age of 25.

5. Pizza Bar
The pizza at Whole Foods is fine. There is much better pizza, much closer to me, but if you really want to be a fat ass the full pizza for 10 bucks deal is pretty solid. I mean not as solid as having Domino's bring you 2 mediums and chicken kickers for 15 bucks, but whatever. What I quickly want to do is use this space though to take one position (on of very few) that I feel passionately about. There is a time and a place for NY pizza, I will concede that, but if you unilaterally hate Chicago deep dish, FUCK YOU WITH A FUCKING SCALDING PIKE. Literally, there was a scene in the first season of The Tudors where they tortured a heretic with a burning spike. They jammed it up some chick's ass. Ok that's too much. I wish you no ill will. Maybe just give it another shot? It's really good. Ugh, now I'm going to have that visual haunt my dreams tonight. But if you need pizza in LA go with Abbots.

4. The Grill
I like the idea of The Grill more than I like it in practice. Basically the grill is like any meat department at any grocery store, but the butcher will then actually cook up your meat for you, throw in a side of fries and send you on your way. The problem is that there is like one fucking dude both taking meat orders and then doing the physical grilling. It takes about 15 minutes too long and then I start to think, maybe I should just grab some of that shitty sushi. It doesn't help that I am just staring at the beer and wine section the whole time this is happening, thinking that had I settled for a Teriyaki bowl I would be on beer number 3. There is funny enough a bar in this section. I aspire to some day plan in advance a trip to Whole Foods. I will attend a beer tasting, I will sample some cheese, I will relax while the grillmaster slow cooks a slab of ribs for me. I've always wanted to sit at the bar at Whole Foods, but for some reason, I've never had the courage There's always like some distinguished looking gentlemen sitting there and I don't want to impose. Some day. That's when I'll know I have my shit together.

3. Hot Bar/Cold Bar
Can't beat an original right? The Hot Bar/Cold Bar is fucking money. Want some Kale? WHICH OF THE FIVE KINDS? Feeling like some chicken curry, some mashed potatoes and some baby greens? Fuck it, you are your own boss. Mix and match homey and only 7 bucks a pound on Wednesdays. I always find myself asking what is the best value when you are paying by the pound. I feel like your traditional side items are the "bad value" items. Mashed potatoes and pasta salad are delicious, but heavy. Whereas do you know how much spinach you can jam in that box and stay under 10 bucks? Hint: It's a fuck ton. Thus I would imagine some sort of salad with a meat is your best bet. One time I was loading up on mac and cheese (bad value item) and the power went out. And you know what happened? Nothing. The power stayed out for 10 minutes, people waited for it to come back on, paid for their groceries and went about their day. That's when I knew the gentrification of Venice was complete.

2. Smoothie Bar
The smoothie bar at Whole Foods is dope. I rarely go, because by the time I get to Whole Foods I have typically already eclipsed by 10 dollar daily budget of Starbucks/Smoothies. But on the rare occasion I haven't, their variation of the strawberry/banana/apple smoothie always brings a shit eating grin to my face. Nothing to see here everyone, just a WASPY guy doing WASPY things.

1. Taco Bar
Oh god, I love it so much. Did you know that some people don't like cilantro? But it's not their fault, they are genetically engineered to think it tastes like ass. I pity those people. I imagine natural selection will kill them off eventually, but it's sad that they will never know the joy of pounding 6 street tacos with chicken tinga, cilantro, onion and XXX salsa. But even if you aren't there on Taco Tuesday...the Boardwalk and Westsider are hearty options any day of the week and they borrow names from the local culture (AWOL bitch!) and take a bit of the pretentious sting away from visiting a premium grocer. I love everything about the place down to the tacomasters, like most of them call me "homey" and comment on my beer selection. The slightly overweight but face so pretty I can get past it chick always smiles at me like I'm her favorite customer. Seriously they should have a tip jar, I would be offering gratuity like I was spending my parents' money and wanted the Kilroy's bartenders to like me.

And there you have it...8ish dining options from Whole Foods Market. They even take Apple Pay now so you can use your iPhone 6 and be a total douche. (Extra douche points if the person behind you is using EBT/food stamps or you ask your cashier what their tattoos mean) Grab a Kombucha on your way out and listen to some NPR on the way home. It's ok to enjoy the "basic" things in life.

25 things you're never too old to do

I have largely been on the fence about Vice since I started hearing about it a few years ago. On one hand, their TV show is the tits, they go into active war zones and give a limited amount of fucks. They took Dennis Rodman to North Korea and made him become homies with Kim Jong Un. They are criticized by mainstream media for their reckless abandon which could easily lead to one of them being killed. But that's the beauty, they don't care. Oh 60 Minutes doesn't want to interview a terrorist leader? Pussies.

On the other hand, they are a bunch of tatted up Brooklynites that represent everything I hate in this world. I swear to God, Shane Smith was sent to this world merely to torture me. In a world of bearded hipster fucktards, this clown is their self-appointed leader. Thus, I'm torn. I tend to avoid their articles because, well I, just can't stand self-loathing white people crusading for social justice. And they write shit like this and then parody their own take down piece a week later.

But I can live with that. I understand hating the group at the top. Not everyone gets a bid. Not everyone spends half a decade in their early 20's getting blowjobs from perfect looking chicks.  Not everyone graduates debt free from college because their dad has a nice white collar job. I get it man. It is probably annoying to see a bunch of dudes throwing around trust fund money at a Brother Jimmy's with a bunch of girls in size 0 jeans on a Saturday afternoon. You were just there for the chicken wings man. Who gets fucking bottle service at 11am...at a sports bar? I get it dude, seriously. I hate the Yankees for the same reason. Go back to Brooklyn, you're safer there.

I digress.

Today Vice published an article about all the things that you can no longer do once you turn 25.

It is not a good article.

I did some digging to try to figure out why the article was so bad. I came up with two possibilities.
1.) The author appears to be British (I think it's a straight male, but it could be a girl or a gay guy)
The European experience may be a little different than the traditional American maturation process.
2.) This is a fucking guy that JUST turned 25 and is now on a soapbox lecturing everyone about what not to do, since he is so wise now.

Really, there is no more set-up necessary, let's just go through it, find out for yourself. Try to keep the rage in check.

1) Doing Drugs to Impress People

Any time I've ever done cocaine, I just want to call my parents. Once, while smoking weed, I watched as one of my friends very slowly pissed herself. Is that what drugs are supposed to do? Either way, it's not for me. Not anymore.

If your thing is getting fingered in a cab by a dude with coke on his hands, then please, by all means, go and do that right now. I'll even hail one for you.

Good for you man. You don't like drugs. That's very strange that one of your friends pissed herself because of marijuana...especially slowly. Usually when I piss myself it is extremely quick, like when I'm in a massive port o potty line at a festival and I can't possibly hold it any longer so I bail out and piss behind a tree, sometimes I pee myself before I can make it to said tree. It blows. And did you say anything? Or just like let her wet her pants. That's fucked up. Way to just like let us know you've done blow before, by the way...you know, just to let us know you're cool. And since when does casual drug use lead to getting a twat numbie in the back of a cab. That seems pretty hardcore man. He closes with saying...

There's no point doing drugs after 25 unless you're in it to win it, so unless you're a full-blown addict, it might do you good to stop now. (It might also be a good idea if you are a full-blown addict.) 

Got it. Full blown addict or Mormon. (Isn't Vice supposed to be like pro weed?) Usually when I do drugs people are very unimpressed, does this absolve me?

2) Being ID'd

Being ID'd is fucking lame man. Like fuck this guy for you know doing his job and following the law. God forbid this bartender keep me from my Oatmeal Stout for 2 more fucking seconds. UGGGGGGH, dude no I'm not 21, I'm 25. Huge difference in an adolescent male. I bet you wouldn't card me if I had my beard. Fuck it, I'm growing a beard. You should just pour my shit and risk the fine pal. (This is the beginning of a bar hate motif)

3) Eating Bread with Wild Abandon

Because gluten.

4) Trying to Understand Young People with Their Young-People Music

Who are you, fucking Andy Rooney? Give me a god damn break man, that Ariana Grande song with Zedd is catchy as shit.

5) Drinking Four Loko or a Jägergrenade

A Jägergrenade is a special kind of Jägerbomb that somehow incorporates a shot of tequila into the mix. A sidewalk slammer is when you drink a bottle of OE down to the label, fill the rest with Four Loko, and wake up on a stranger's lawn covered in mysterious contusions without your wallet or phone.

That's a very timely Four Loko reference, are they still in production. And this is very akin to his blow comment. Like listen to these RAD DRINKS I GOT FUCKED UP ON BACK WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND AWESOME, but totally don't drink anymore because I'm 25 and old. He doesn't even bother informing the reader that OE means a 40 of Olde English, you should just know that bro.

6) Panicking at an ATM

When you get to 25 you are so over this guessing game that it's not even funny. Fuck ATMs, and fuck banks. Fuck that tiny cash-machine troll who loves to deny you the ability to go see a movie or eat a decent meal. But also—crucially—fuck having to pay for a pack of Ramen noodles with a mug full of dimes. Basically, by the time you're 25, you should just take a few minutes to figure out how to manage your dough.

Ya fuck poor people. By 25 you should be eating nothing but filet and lobster for every meal. But for real, I see his perspective, you shouldn't need ATMs at this point, you can get a Four Loko and an OE for like 4 bucks at a 7/11 and most coke dealers take Square now.

7) Experimenting with a Haircut

Says this fucking guy...

8) Talking to Anyone Under the Age of 22

You must never talk to anyone under the age of 22! They are 3/5 of a person! Wait but what about your opening sentence?

I don't know how old you are. I don't care, is the thing, because once you hit 25 you absolutely stop caring about the age, names, and personal details of people around you

Ok apparently you stop caring about age UNLESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS UNDER 22. Presumably you are allowed to circle that person's 22nd birthday like you would a celebrity on the cusp on 18. Looking at you Chloe Moretz.

9) Engaging in Small Talk

Sometimes I get introduced to people and I say, "Oh, nice to meet you," and they say, "Uhhh, we've met before." That's when you decide to never speak to that person again, if you can help it. Think about it: If they were that good at small talk, you would have remembered them.

Instead of being embarrassed when you don't remember someone's name, just punch them in the face, because they are unworthy of your attention. It's their fault for being boring, it has nothing to do with the Four Loko you were drinking last time you saw her.

10) Taking Convoluted Subway Rides

11) Shopping at the Mall

12) Having Terrible Friends

No one takes convoluted subway rides or cabs to the mall anymore pal. I only take Ubers with my friends that are cool as fuck.

13) Bad One-Night Stands

Pretending to care about people's jobs in PR is the absolute definition of hell. Pretending to care long enough to seduce them, accompany them on a 15-minute cab ride, navigate their tiny, dark apartment, knock a lamp over, and awkwardly fuck them?

Honestly, I would probably rather go home and jerk off. But that wouldn't be a good enough story for my terrible friends.

14) Spring Break

If you're 25 or older and this idea seems appealing, I can't help you.

Ya man, taking a week off work and going on vacations with your terrible friends is probably a really horrible time.

15) The Bitter, Bitter End of a Night Out

Next time it hits 3 AM and you run out of ideas and someone asks, "Where next?" experiment with saying, "Let's go to our separate homes and sleep." Nothing good has ever come out of trekking through the snow to the only bar anyone can think of that might possibly be open.

But what about taking a convoluted Subway ride to a bar that might possibly be open. More likely to happen at 3am? Trekking through the snow. Heyoooo

16) Hangovers

When you get to be 25 and realize the solution is literally just "drink a glass of water" and maybe "eat a banana," you feel really, really dumb.

That's it? I can't believe I've never tried drinking a glass of fucking water. Seriously I hope this guy dies of AIDS.

17) Waiting in Line

Once you're aware of your own mortality, waiting in line to ride some spinning tea cups is basically impossible.

Waiting in lines is for peasants bro. I can't even.

18) Kissing Bartenders' Asses

I am sick of acting like the person handing me a drink is doing me some huge favor. I'm not your friend: This is a business transaction, and I'm not some 21-year-old who's not gonna tip you. Also, your job is to pour liquid into dirty cups, occasionally pick those cups up when I am done with them, and sometimes drop the cups in a stack on the floor. You're not Jesus, all right? You're a dude who wears a bottle opener attachment on his belt.

Second in the bartender hate series! I guarantee some bartender fucked this guy's girlfriend once. Good for him.

19) Not Having the Heating On

Wearing every sweater you own at once is not the adult option.

Ok so this guy really hates bartenders and people that have trouble paying the bills. There was one more things I remember him hating we'll get to it I'm sure.

20) Festivals

I went to Bonnaroo once when I was 20 and didn't have fun.

Cool story bro. It's probably because you didn't do enough drugs to impress people.

21) Utilizing Presents from Cheap Relatives

Your grandma/aunt/whoever was cheap for giving you such a shitty present, but you're even cheaper if you're willing to be covered in glitter and smell like a goddamn pineapple for a month to save $4. 

Your loving thoughtful family members that went out of their way to do something nice for you are SHIT. But if you actually use that gift, you're fucking worse.

22) Reading Blogs

LOL irony!

23) Pregnancy Scares

If I have to listen to another friend cry about how she might be pregnant, I'm going to kill myself. I don't know, maybe you should stop being mad at your dad and therefore fucking random ecstasy dealers you meet at bars

This guy is a goddam enigma, this is like a lazy slut shaming trope that I would expect to see on a sloppy Brobible article. Glad he got one more drug reference in though, just so we know he' cool.

24) Any Text Message Longer Than 200 Characters

But this blog post of 2000 words is fine.

25) Fingering
This obviously doesn't count for lesbians, but for straight people it's like come on. You guys can do p-in-v stuff! Fingering your girlfriend when you have a dick is basically really rude. It's the equivalent of loudly complaining about how boooring it is to play basketball when you're standing right next to a kid in a wheelchair. I hate you.

I didn't edit any of that. That's a direct quote. He actually fucking said Lesbians are ok. I'll bet the lesbians of the world are thrilled to have staff writer Joel Golby's permission to go ahead and FINGER AWAY.

And oh shit, that's the third thing he hates. Fingering of all things? Poor twentysomethings, bars and jousting below the belt. (Fingering is and always will be the shit by the way...with or without cocaine on your fingertips)

Conclusion: This guy is the fucking worst. I mean at age 25 you've basically been out of college for a little over two years. I don't know where this clown gets off, I certainly hope he's never paid to write again. He manages to be sexist, misogynistic and anti-youth all at the same time, furthering my suspicion that this article was actually written by Andy Rooney's ghost.

What's the deal with cell phones?

You're never too old to do anything. If you can physically accomplish it and want to, you should. This is your life, it is what you make it. You should never let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

And Vice, get your shit together, because as of now...ya suspect.

Choose Your Own Adventure

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Summer Catch 2: How to Lose a Guy in 13 Days

Subject 6 liked big black cocks and apparently mediocre beer.

This morning while I was pondering what to blog about several ideas and corresponding hot takes popped into my head:

1. I think Kim Kardashian's ass is gross, and I think the only people that like it are black men. The reason Kimmy K's ass failed to break the internet is because the white people were too busy on Reddit talking about us landing on a comet...and Boost Mobile doesn't support 4G data speeds yet.
(This has been my mildly racist thought of the day)

2. I don't understand people that complain about the weather. Just move. It's that easy. I assure you, you can get a shitty staffing job at Aerotek in any major US city.

3. The Top 3 Too Many Cooks characters and which Greek House they would have been in at IU.
3) Victoria Sun - Delta Zeta (Because she is extremely eager to get naked)
2) Katie Adkins - Chi O (There is precedent for this)
1) Smarf - AEPi (Universally beloved by stoners)

4. The top questions that Sarah Koenig is not asking on Serial right now.

SK: Adnan, did you ever have sex with Stephanie?
SK: ADNAN DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH STEPHANIE?!?

AS: Um, ya...but like I didn't talk about it, because I didn't want to sound like a piece of shit.

SK: YOU STUPID FUCK, IT GIVES JAY MOTIVE! JAY DID IT BECAUSE YOU FUCKED HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE FRAMED YOU!

But I eventually decided not to pursue any of those, because Alex Hassan got picked up by the Oakland A's today.

Now if you made it through a socioeconomic/racist joke packaged as women's body bashing, a slam on the midwest and the low level sales jobs many of my old friends have, some slut shaming and a little reference to a sorority house massacre, please stay tuned because it is about to get a lot worse.

So who is Alex Hassan? Alex is a right handed Center Fielder out of Quincy, MA. He boasts good arm strength and surprising opposite field power at the plate...and of course he was #6 on the Duke fuck list.

Oh you don't remember?

Back in 2010 a hero named Karen F. Owen wrote a thesis on a 13 Duke athletes she had sex with
She eventually posted a 50 slide presentation with her clinical findings.

Karen would describe the evening in question of how she met each "subject" and then describe their hook-up in detail. Afterword she would describe "Memorable moments," Pros, Cons and finally attribute a raw score to each experience based on a number of factors: Physical attractiveness, dick size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, athletic ability and bonus.

If you have a spare moment, I would urge you to read her entire report. Not only is it fascinating based on content alone, it is incredibly well written. While I can understand why everyone freaked out when this story broke, the flip side is that there is a cost of doing business when you take home a notorious jersey chaser, an assumption of risk if you will.

What you will read below is what I direct messaged Karen Owen on Facebook today. It is not a request for an interview or in any way an indictment on anything she has ever done, just a friendly film pitch.

Hey Karen,
My name is Dave. I'm a young writer living in LA. I work primarily in television as an assistant while I work on my own original pilots. Recently I have been really into the idea of viral internet mistakes. Over the summer I wrote a pilot inspired by the Cunt Punt email. It got some traction, I basically took the idea of a mistake made years in the past that comes back to bite you and threw in some J-Swipe jokes. It was pretty good, it has some traction, we'll see.

I'm reaching out to you, to see if you have ever explored the idea of adapting An Education Beyond the Classroom into a feature film (we'll come up with a better working title...something like My Horizontal Life, it will bring back nostalgia for 'my so-called life') Specifically, write an R-rated romantic comedy. Seriously, it will be super easy to get made. I know a fairly famous TV actor, he'll do it, and then we'll just attach a chick who has like a million followers on Vine. How do you think shit like "That Awkward Moment" "Two Night Stand" "What's Your Number?" get made...hell "He's Fucking Perfect" sold for like a billion dollars five years ago and I don't think they even made it.

What we have here is like a perfect storm of R rated romantic comedy tropes. You are a hot chick that behaves like a stereotypical frat bro, drinking too much, acting kinda slutty, hell I bet there was even some drug use that you omitted. It's the movie that everyone WANTS to make now, but is afraid to. And the international component? Genius! We get the Canadian guy that speaks French AND the Australian lover? HELLO FOREIGN BOX OFFICE!

Sure, your character is kind of shallow, but that's fine. We'll have you save a cat in the first 10 pages and then anything else you do the rest of the movie will automatically be forgiven, like when you cost that dude with the small dick his job at Goldman? No one gives a fuck...wah wah bad economy movies are so 2012, 2014 is the year of the strong female protagonist. And how about that story with the guy that couldn't get it up until you played 'Ruff Ryders Anthem?' BOOM. DATED SOUNDTRACK! Ever hear of a little movie called Guardians of the Galaxy? I'm pretty sure they just print their own money now.

We could take the plot in so many directions. The obvious angle that jumps off the page is you are actually writing this piece for a small lifestyle magazine in Manhattan and meet a charming Minor League baseball player from a working class family, you accidentally fall in love, but then he mows your lawn and you run the piece. Somehow he tracks you down on the Booklyn Bridge and sings "You're So Vein" while holding a love fern. Matthew Lillard is involved.

Ok, so that's just a mash up of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Summer Catch, I haven't had time to outline this out properly.

But like you see where I'm going with this right? 13 sexual partners isn't that big of a deal anymore, and like who hasn't made a joke about premature ejaculation to their friends before. I think we're looking at a four quadrant hit. The bros will love it, the feminists will love it, the sorority girls of the world will feel validated. Ok, so maybe every person over the age of 30 will find this concept wholy despicable. But...whatever fuck them. Independent film is about being niche. The flyover states probably didn't like the extended dong shots in Shame either but that movie got nominated for a Golden Globe (I feel like Fassbender would earn an excellent review by you, at least in one category)

So look, we'll just tell the story of you doing this whole thought experiment because you wanted to. You're an independent 21st century woman. We'll paint all the guys as somewhat douchey, except one who we'll eventually pair you up with to live happily ever after. We'll give him a fat funny friend played by Josh Gad. I think we can do this whole thing for a budget of like a million bucks.

What I need from you is a 12 month option for a dollar. If we get a studio to bite, I'll co-write with you and hopefully we'll sell it to a WGA signatory production company so we can get that dope ass writer's insurance. I've been needing to get my wisdom teeth out. Or maybe we'll do a kickstarter. I'm sure the world wants to know what you've been up to. Maybe you want a normal, quiet life in like rural Maine. If that's the case, just give me the rights and I'll cut you in on the back end as a silent partner. If you are interested in writing, I'm not currently managed, but I'm hip pocketed by someone at Mosaic. They could probably get you a low level agent somewhere shitty like Gersh if you're into that kinda thing. Let me know. I'm here to help.

Again Karen, I was blown away by your literary talent when I read this thesis four years ago and still find it incredibly compelling. Your style is edgy, witty, almost Lena Dunhamesque but without making me want to commit suicide, twice. I am not bullshitting you. I appreciate your time and look forward to your response.

Best,
Dave

So that's that. I mean, all the people that reached out on Facebook with interest in developing that Molly bender story in Colorado...that's still happening, but like we may need to just quit our day jobs and start AWOL Films because there are too many good tales of young people misbehaving that aren't being told right now. We may not be the heroes that Gen Y deserves, but definitely the storytellers they need.

How to get away with Murder

I didn't take this picture, hence the annoying watermark.

I literally just realized you can't get through life strictly with cockiness and charm. Well you can probably get through, but I imagine a smirk alone doesn't get you far. This is just a jedi mind trick that works with like minded college aged kids. However, in the real world, a devil may care attitude is more likely to dust up repressed emotions of a high school bully or the frat guy a girl regrettably blew in a janitor's closet than to elicit a weak in the knees feeling. Thus I have been trying to modify some of my actions as of late. I am a douche bag, and that much will always be true. Here is an example of my douchiness from TODAY.

I ran down to set to drop something off on set and was greeted by a nervous looking PA.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, you just make me nervous."

"I have that effect on women." Smirk. Walk off.

Now in my head, I was Jorma Taccone from that episode of Girls where he said that incredibly cocky thing that caused Allison Williams to immediately run into an alley and touch herself. I wanted to drop a metaphorical mic for being so quick thinking on my feet.

But it's not cool. It sounds fucking rapey at worst, creepy at best. "I make women nervous...SMIRK, WINK and then I eat them for dinner!!!!!" It's like I forget that most chicks in LA aren't former Chi Os. They're art school kids that belong to an improv troupe.

Jesus Christ, what a wreck, I promise I'll focus on doing better.

But it doesn't always backfire spectacularly, sometimes not giving a fuck can be your greatest asset (I'm sure that there are essays that prove this point, though instead of calling it "not giving a fuck" they call it Ayn Rand Third Wave Objectivism) case in point, I am exceptionally good at getting into places I do not belong. I almost always figure out a way to get into music festivals for free and I never pay over face for a ticket to other events. So join me as I share with you a tale about The Santa Monica Airport, Alabama Shakes and a bunch of really really bad spiked cider.

All of the following events take place on November 6, 2014.

8pm: I am in one of the few industries where I am told when I have to come to work and when I can leave. It usually doesn't bother me, unless I have something super cool to go to. It's probably for the best though, because if I had any say in things I'm pretty sure I would never show up before 10am and always leave at 4. This is not a recipe for success. I literally sat at my computer from 8pm and did absolutely nothing outside of watch the pilot for 'Mike Tyson Mysteries' and Too Many Cooks (seriously, fucking watch it) I now have a burning desire to turn into a stoner and spend hours a day watching Adult Swim

830pm: I have now been at work for 12 hours today, my boss should be telling me to leave, but I imagine that the exact moment that I am to be excused from work is not the first thing on everyone's mind. They are probably thinking about relationships, what to have for dinner, who really killed JFK. I could speak up and say something but no one wants to get a reputation for someone who... "Dave go home." *Gets up without saying a word and sprints out the back door*

9pm: God dammit, the Santa Monica airport is a fucking nightmare. I don't know what I thought an eventbrite for a FREE Alabama Shakes show with FREE beer in an abandoned hangar was going to be exclusive. Jesus, every white person in LA must be here, ironic since the lead singer of this band is black. Actually maybe not, following the Beyonce theory that white people listen to black music because it makes them feel less racist. But seriously am I ever going to find a parking spot? Oh fuck ya, is that a golf cart spot? My Mini game is TIGHT!

915pm: Ok I have erroneously landed at the VIP parking gate, flashing my shitty E-Ticket in the air. I am dismissed for the chump that I am. But this affords me the first of many opportunities to see the desperate attempts of girls to get in.

"Ma'm we are at capacity, and this is the VIP entrance, you will need to go to the General Admision gate and wait in line like everyone else."

"Oh no, it's fine. I know Allen."

"Who is Allen?"

"Um, he's like the guy that's in charge. He told me to go to the VIP gate and drop his name. So like I said, it's cool."

"I do not know an Allen."

"It's fine, I'll call him."

"Ma'm, I don't give a fuck who Allen is, you are not getting in this gate."

The soul crushing look on her face screams "You just killed my designer Labrodoodle." This could be a plot synopsis for a female driven remake of John Wick, I imagine Paris Hilton starring in this direct to DVD thriller.

930pm: I've made it to the GA. It is not a good scene. The fire marshal has completely shut down the gate and there are a lot of entitled white kids that have opinions on it.

"But my Dad works for Mercedes."

"I am friends with the opener's tour manager."

"But sir, I only came out for a cigarette, and I left my inhaler inside, if you do not let me in right now, you could be an accessory to MURDER." (Go hard or go home I suppose)

You will notice during, I have said nothing. You do not want to stand out when it looks like you may have to enter a venue by suspicious means. Keep a low profile, this way if you have to slip through a gate or grease a roadie no one will remember you.

Just then a group of Hollywood Persians show up...this should be good. My god they took an Uber SUV for 3 of them. What a bunch of ass clowns, they are wearing suits and lots of gold.

"Um excuse me, WE have tickets"

It's as if they thought that everyone else that showed up just heard about the event on Twitter and said, eh what the hell maybe security is lax.

"Sir everyone has tickets. No one is getting in."

(An aside to fellow Persian) "Yo my homey has a VIP ticket he can email us...that will totally get us in."

"I heard that, VIP tickets will also not get you in. All Access passes are the only thing getting through the door right now."

Moments pass...

"Yo my man, we got VIP tickets now. We're good right?"

"Do you think because someone emailed you one VIP ticket I'm just going to say fuck it and let you 3 in ahead of these people who have been waiting for over an hour?"

"But it says VIP"

"Get the fuck out of here."

945pm: My dad used to say "God gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason." I used to think it was because he was being a dick. But now I knew he had a point. Instead of wasting my time looking for weaknesses in the fence or a unathletic guard I could run past, I knew I needed a Mercedes Benz All Access lanyard. I had seen a few throughout the night. Mainly the old people, I would imagine this was the client. There was also a short fat guy that kept bringing out "talent" passes to hot chicks. He is probably some manager type, I imagine he had never felt more important in his life.

Who else would need all access to the venue.

Security...Too many people watching, it would never work. Plus I only had 20 bucks, these guys aren't going to risk their job for 20 bucks.

Someone Leaving...My first idea, plus a guy with his chick would probably just give his pass to me upon leaving. Taking the 20 bucks would be a poor person move. That said, if you invite a girl to Alabama Shakes, you aren't leaving after the opener.

So again, I had to think of someone that was working the event, not self righteous enough to give a shit about me getting in, and not in danger of losing their job.

Then I saw him. A parking guy with not one, but two passes around his neck. Why did the valet guys have passes? All these guys were doing was literally opening and closing a gate so that VIP pass vans and Crew trucks could get through a gate. I saw this guy light a cigarette and I immediately knew that he was my guy.

"Hey man, 20 bucks for your VIP pass."

"30"

"Have you gotten a single tip tonight? I have 20 bucks and I want one, AND I just gave you the idea to sell the other one, that's worth an extra 10."

"Ite."

Boom. I held up my VIP pass and the crowd parted for me like I was fucking Moses. The stern door man enthusiastically pulled the rope back for me. It helped that I was dressed like an eccentric dipshit, wearing Salmon pants and a David Beckham jersey, the type of spoiled brat look that Golden Voice producers probably go for. I bypassed a second line and security whisked me backstage to a seat right next to Alabama Shakes' sound mixer. Tonight was going to be awesome.

1015pm: Because Mercedes Benz underestimated how much privileged white kids like to drink, they quickly ran out of all alcohol. Even the VIP bar that I was privy to had only "Whiskey cider" left. I do not know what whiskey cider is, but it is not good. I have never failed to get drunk because I could not take the taste of whatever dreadful spirit I was embibing, last night I got close.

Whiskey cider tastes essentially what I imagine Butter Beer tastes like. This is why no one in the wizarding world of Harry Potter gets turnt. They like the idea of drinking alcohol, but after one or two of these, you have had enough. I soldiered through and knocked down about 8 until I received the requisite buzz to find my friends and dance. I tried to leave, but a security guard stopped me. Perhaps the jig was up.

1030pm: What are you doing back here man?

Oh, I was just...I'm heading inside to the main area, sorry.

Sorry? Man this backstage shit is whack, your all access pass gets you to the green room. Go right through that door, they got top shelf shit.

The green room is in like the air traffic control room of this small private airport and is sponsored by KIND bars. It's covered in them among other things. There are about 10 hot chicks in there, and that short dip shit from earlier. We enjoy a few drinks together before inevitably he tries to size up how I got into the inner circle.

"So what do you do for Mercedes, you're with client right?"

"Um...well actually I'm a writer."

"For like their commercials? Print campaign, I thought they would have an agency."

"Oh no, like on television. I write for the Newsroom (lie! but I've worked on it and know the writers if a further line of questioning starts, always know your fake story thoroughly) and uh...one of our consultants is an attorney for MBUSA. He knows I'm a big fan so he uh...got me this."

"DUDE. I FUCKING LOVE THE NEWSROOM (Uh oh) I manage the Shakes. Want to meet them? (yah kinda) "We watch Newsroom on the bus sometimes, I bet you even wrote one of the episodes." (Probably not)

Exit strategy.

"I think I'm gonna go get lost in the crowd for a bit man, nice to meet you."

"Well let me get your number bro, me, you, these honeys (he legit called the girls next to him 'the honeys') and Shakes...we're going out tonight."

Gave fake number, got the fuck out.

11:00pm: I'm now watching the show with some friends in the main area. There are a lot of people making out. I wouldn't have pegged this as hook-up music. Man I hope I don't see that short shit again, it will be weird if he calls me on my lie.

I make it to the end of the show and for half a moment (the whiskey cider had kicked in at this point) imagined what kind of night I could have if I really dove all in went out with the Shakes, similar to last week at Hard Day of the Dead when a guy offered to buy a ticket off of me entirely in acid and Molly...man 23 year old me would be all over that shit. But at this point in the evening, I just really wanted McDonalds.

1159pm: I take the last bite of my Double Cheeseburger and crawl into my floor fort (still no bed) I saw a killer show, had an adventure and crushed some golden arches, all for the reasonable price of about $23. It was a good night and it probably would have never happened if I wasn't an arrogant dickhead. There is a time for adult behavior and rational thought and a time for reckless abandon. When it comes to sneaking into a show I always advise the latter. Have a nice weekend everyone.

Rock the Vote: Forgotten Issues Guide

Pikachu cat's finishing move...killing you with cuteness.

I am going to vote today. I am going to vote and then I am going to go to Whole Foods on Rose tonight while wearing the SHIT out of my "I voted" sticker. Anyone I see NOT wearing an "I voted" sticker I will automatically assume is a communist or a terrorist or both (Oh you don't know about the commie terrorists? Clearly you haven't seen the Independent Film 'The East.')

I vote not because I have any strong feelings of social responsibility, nor do I have any personal preference on many of the issues. I doubt my vote will make a difference, I vote merely so I have something to be self righteous about the rest of the day and it doesn't hurt that I get to leave work for an hour or so.

Some of the hard hitting issues in this California election? The Governor for one. The current Governor is some dude who has literally been running the state off and on since 1975, entire empires rise and fall in forty years, mafias rule for shorter, how this guy has stayed relevant for this long is incredible, but he will probably win re-election because he is running against some guy with last name Kashkari.

Elsewhere in the state people are voting on serious issues such as what to do with the Santa Monica Airport.

See Santa Monica has an airport where all the rich people that live on the west side fly their G5s in and out of. But they take off and land right over the poor area of Santa Monica. Those people are pissed because it's loud and annoying, but these are the same people that have annoying signs in their yard that say "Drive like your children play here." Well I don't have kids, and there is like a one percent chance that I will be able to afford a private jet one day, LET THE RICH PEOPLE HAVE THEIR AIRPORT!

The point I am getting at is the real issues are boring this midterm election. No vote on legalizing any drug, no measure to extend the bar hours in Los Angeles (COME ON) no referendum forcing a standard of hygiene requirement before boarding the Green Line metro...in short, I'm rather apathetic about the issues presented.

However, in the spirit of Democracy, I have curated some issues that I would like to see discussed more in the national eye.

MEASURE GTFO: Ban Lena Dunham from telling stories about her youth.

Argument for: Lena Dunham recently released her stupid book of essays which she is calling a 'memoir' (at the age of 26!) In it she talks all about her lesbian sister's vagina and how she was obsessed with it at age 7. Apparently she just couldn't help herself so she 'played doctor' on her three year old sister's vagina, and found rocks in there or something.

This is fucking weird, but no weirder than any other curious seven year old I suppose. What is weird is talking about it...oh and then later she talks about masturbating in a bed when she was 17 and her then 10 year old sister was laying next to her. That's seriously fucked up...I don't even MB with an animal in the room out of shame. This dumb hipster bitch should just shut the fuck up with all her weirdness, whininess and oh my god the female body is beautiful. Some bodies are beautiful, yours is not. Go lock yourself in a vault and count your money.

Argument against: The author of the argument for measure GTFO is clearly jealous of Ms. Dunham's success, as are a million other aspiring writers looking to exploit the millenial experience. Measure GTFO is a clear cut case of censorship. If you can't discuss confused children exploring their sexuality, what is next banning books? You know Russia banned the book Nineteen Eighty Four, banning books like Nineteen Eighty Four sounds like something that would happen in the plot of Nineteen Eighty Four.

REFERENDUM P: Re-Establish Pikachu as America's Pokemon.

Argument for: Pikachu is a homey. He is cute. He follows you around and chills. He kicks ass in Super Smash Bros. Pikachu is comfortable with silence, you could totally just watch a Comedy with Pikachu, he would sit on the couch and laugh when appropriate. Pikachu can go out to the bars with you and charge your phone if it dies, he is also a chick magnet. Bitches love Pikachu. I do fuck with Pikachu. He might not be the best at Pokemon, but he is the best Pokemon.

Argument Against: Get that whack ass stuffed animal out of here. Yes we concede Pikachu is cute, but that's what he is. He has the utility of Boo the dog. America's Pokemon is Charizard, because America is the best and so is Charizard. He is a god damn dragon. And he's the sickest dragon. Charizard would fuck up the Game of Thrones dragons. My man can destroy entire villages in a matter of seconds. ISIS would not fuck with Charizard, Charizard could enforce MEASURE GTFO (if you write a single word Charizard will turn you into ash) Charizard can light a joint for you. (Medical of course) And remember, if you need cute, Charmander isn't bad either.

PROPOSITION FOUR Legalize original formula Four Loko.

Argument for: I've never understood why it's cool to be a crusader for the legalization of marijuana but not things like cocaine or ecstasy. When will rappers like Rick Ross start ripping lines at their concerts and writing songs about #legalizewhite or Trinidad James could rewrite his hit 'All Gold Everything' to say something like "Pop the molly I'm feeling good about everything and appreciating my fellow humans...and sweating...WOO!" But those are far down the road for us pro-drug enthusiasts, let's start with a simple drink that is full of a bunch of legal ingredients that allows twentysomethings to fully appreciate their youth and what it means to be young. And by that we mean, black out but still stay awake partying for a super long time. This is the American dream.

Argument against: Four Loko ruins lives. Seriously, it is as bad or worse than heroin, meth, Ebola, that shit that turns people into zombies and makes people eat other people's faces. In fact, I think that will be the big twist at the end of The Walking Dead, everyone drank too much Four Loko. Literally the best thing that can possibly happen when you get drunk on Four Loko is you wake up naked outside your house with 24 hour amnesia. Again, this is the best possible scenario. This shit should be locked away with Smallpox and whatever else we keep in a guarded vault just in case chemical warfare becomes a path America choses to pursue.

BUT SERIOUSLY

You should get out and vote. A bunch of people died not so you could sit on your ass deciding what witty remark you say on Hinge will maximize your chance of getting a blowjob but so you can decide if you want free parking in your neighborhood or the future of rent control on your apartment.
I would also urge you to vote for things like allowing same sex couples to marry and perhaps raise minimum wage a little bit because if you have the opportunity to make other people happy when you aren't drastically personally affected, maybe you should just take it.

But mainly vote so you can shame all the people that didn't, I mean Lil Jon flew all the way to Atlanta to vote this morning because they lost his absentee shit in the mail (Turn out for what!) You can surely roll off the couch and walk down the street while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

We live in a bad ass country friends, it's up to you to keep it that way. America, fuck yeah.