Merry Fifthmas

Christmas in Venice, 2013

I'm working on a Curb spec with a friend right now. One of the scenes takes place with Larry David going to Cafe Gratitude in Venice to meet his new Bohemian girlfriend for lunch.
If you are unfamiliar, Cafe Gratitude is full of a bunch of new age hippies and the menu reflects this. Instead of ordering a breakfast burrito you would say something like "I feel empowered." It's weird. It feels like a cult, kind of like the cult that Andrew Keegan started a couple blocks down that very street.

Anyway, I had never actually been, but today I stopped in for a coffee...you know for research.

"I'll have a coffee black to-go please."

"You are COURAGEOUS!"

"Um thanks."

"Can I get your name please?"

"Dave."

"Dave you are courageous!"

"Uh ok."

I wait a couple minutes and some guy comes out and says "Dave?"

"Yes, that's me."

"You are courageous, have a magical day!"

Ok, that's not made up. And the guy that brought me my coffee seemed not to buy into it wholly, more like he had a script he needed to read in order to keep his job. The person that took my order? Well I think a gay black man that wears glitter on his face found his calling as a Cafe Gratitude barista.

I suppose the gimmick is to make you feel good about yourself? I mean the coffee cup literally said on it hundreds of times "You are courageous!" It literally made me feel like I had saved an entire military convoy and rescued kittens from a burning building. I'm a motherfucking hero because I ordered coffee. Or perhaps this is just more of the participatory culture we have created. You get a trophy just for showing up. I mean if I am courageous just for ordering a coffee, what do I get if I order a red-eye. You know a black coffee with an espresso shot? Do they say "Dave, you are a GOD DAMN MIRACLE WORKER." They set the bar pretty low.

But it got me thinking, what if the place was re-named Cafe FRATitude and they ever so slightly tweaked the the positive empowerment message...

"Hey man, I'll have a coffee black to-go please."

"You're fucking money baby."

"Ha thanks."

"Can I get your name bro?"

"Dave."

"Dave, you're so fucking money and you don't even know it."

"Cool."

"Yo Dave is so fucking money, he is going to get laid tonight and make her cum...TWICE."

"Appreciate it dude."

"Oh and I threw a shot of whiskey in there for you boss...thank me later."

I'm not sure if this entire restaurant gimmick is sustainable, but it would at least make for a humorous short. I'll be staffing a writer's room shortly, so start coming up with your best bro empowerment menu items.

Speaking of frat stuff. Tonight is my favorite day of the year; The Phi Psi secret Santa Fifth Exchange. Well it's not really a Phi Psi thing anymore, it just started that way. At this point (at least with the LA edition, word is these are still active in many cities across the country) it's more of an IU reunion of sorts. We're all busy and have shit going on in our lives, but it's the one night a year we drop everything and make it a point to be together...and get absolutely wrecked.

The first fifth exchange I participated in was in 2006. I know because my gift was Gold Strike (knock off Goldschlager) The original rule was that no one was allowed to leave the frat house until all the bottles were finished. At that point, we drove around pledges drove us from sorority to sorority where we would sing Christmas Carols (or the Dreidel song to AEPhi...which was hilarious) until someone vomited and we were asked to leave or the girls brought us more booze.

My senior year, it just so happened that two of my good pals received 2 of the 3 ingredients for the legendary see ya shot. Wouldnt you know it? I had the third. I also had a 5am flight to Chicago for an interview the next morning. Fortunately when I got pulled over outside IND at 3:45, I told the officer about my interview and he wished me luck. (I had slept from 12-3...I'm sure I was fine)

After graduation, it was important to me to keep the tradition going. From 2009-2011 we kept the tradition going in Chicago, adding a roasting element to the mix. A lot of people were given Mt. Gay Rum that year, because what is more funny than calling one of your best buds gay?

Then I moved to LA and the current iteration was started. Our first year we had 8 guys in a condo in Marina Del Rey. I finished my Jack Honey and passed out while the rest of my friends got trapped in an elevator for 3 hours and were rescued by the jaws of life...passing out early sometimes has its perks.

So again the time of year is upon us. We will all dress up in our wittiest Christmas sweaters (over under on reindeer sex is at 10) and wait upstairs for the signal. Once Santa arrives we will all sprint downstairs and wait for Vender the Jewish Christmas elf to hand out our presents one by one. Mind you girls will not be allowed at this point. Just 30 dudes and some buffalo dip. (You're all welcome)

Once we have all opened our gifts, guessed our secret Santa and taken a celebratory photo for history's sake, the madness will begin.

We'll all start drinking our bottles of booze straight and with ice because obviously no one thought to get mixers or maybe a few beers. We'll talk about how this is awesome and we should all hang out more and we'll promise to do so, but we won't because it gets harder as you grow older.

Friends, girls, girlfriends, side pieces, wives will begin to show up and one of them will have had the wherewithal to bring a case of Red Bull and we will set in for a night of aggressive debauchery. Maybe we'll storm to Townhouse? Maybe we'll sit on the roof and smoke cigarettes, I suppose it doesn't matter. Classic Christmas carols will fade into Mariah Carey which will inevitably fade into Diplo...is there an EDM Christmas album yet? I would totally buy it. Some will call it as early as 12, some will watch the sun rise and tomorrow somewhere on San Miguel there will be about 30 half empty bottles of booze and a lingering smell of...well something.

Some will wake up and do the Santa Monica Christmas 10k, some will immediately resume drinking and head to Santa Crawl on Main Street and we will all pick up the pieces Sunday and start to pack for our trips home.

I love Christmas, I love the lights, the sweaters, the festivities, the food, the gifts but most importantly the time with friends and family. I live far away from my actual family, so in a way my friends have become that for me, and of course I get to spend time with my parents and brother next week which will be fantastic. But what I'm most thankful for as the Holidays rapidly approach, is a month in which I get to celebrate life and the people I chose to spend mine with.

Happy Holidays everyone, I hope you enjoy these next few weeks as much as me and I hope Santa brings you everything you wanted this Christmas.