Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Ranking the Whole Foods dining options


While Vice is telling you to grow up* and Gawker asks if old Benedict is getting ass fucked hard enough in his new Oscar contender, I am still here for you.

Yes while others will deride my beautiful Starbucks lover** for being Racist and some will demand you experience Frozen through a queer lens;*** I am here to promote the classic post-frat perspective that you have come to love (or hate) and as I imagine my readers don't give a fuck about the feminist perspective on Gone Girl or the ethics of Serial,**** I decided to pick something my largely white country club, upper middle class (raised) city dwelling followers DO have a passion for...the meal ready food options at Whole Foods!

* But big ups to that guy for introducing me to the phrase "quartering grams" which I'm pretty sure is what I spent 2009-2011 doing

** I know those aren't the right fucking words but it makes me laugh thinking of someone writing a "Taylor Swift is racist because she only dates the traditional Starbucks customer" column. Seriously we're that close to someone calling Taylor a racist simply because she doesn't publicly fuck rappers like she was a Kardashian.

*** One of their arguments is "Elsa's dress doesn't become fabulous until she sings 'Let it Go.' Seriously.

**** Jay's last name is Wilds and I don't give a fuck if you find his Facebook and spam him, because he's a bitch and a liar and I know that piece of shit did it.

Ok, if you aren't squirming too much at my politically incorrect sentiment read on...wait let me get it all out of my system.

I drank red wine and ate popcorn while watching the Ferguson riots on my 12 foot TV.

Ok now we can continue.

WHOLE FOODS. It's the best right? I mean given my income or lack thereof I should probably be shopping at Smart and Final or Ralph's at best. But going to Whole Foods makes me feel good about myself. It's cool, it's fun. It's a fucking scene. I might see a girl I banged once and she'll think, "You know what, maybe I don't regret it THAT much. I mean this guy shops at Whole Foods, he clearly has his shit together. Maybe I'll fuck him again."

That of course is a lie. I do not have my shit together. I go to Whole Foods to grab dinner and bottles of wine that cost $3.50. But no one knows that. Maybe I go there and pick out organic ingredients for a meal I read about on Pinterest. You don't know that I'm there for the dollar tacos on Tuesday only. Sometimes I roll to WF after shamefully picking up some paper towels or batteries at the dollar store. God I hope I never see any past lovers in the 99 cent store, that would be about as bad as running into one at the free HIV test clinics.

But I digress, the point is, there are lots of meal options when you go to Whole Foods, it's almost like a college food court but significantly nicer and nothing is free. That said, I have sampled all of the food options at the #SWPL mecca and today I shall rank them for you. I know, doing God's work here, thank me later.

9. Vegan Grill
Nope!

8. Sushi bar
I briefly dated a chick that was all about Whole Foods sushi, but the reality is, it just isn't any good. I like the idea of Whole Foods having excellent sushi. It's a great meal option when you want something a little light, or need an excuse to gorge on Pinot Grigio...but WF sushi is a watered down substitute for the far superior Sugarfish. I typically only get this when I am going to the pier concerts and I want to impress a bunch of chicks. "OHHHH YOU PACKED WHOLE FOODS SUSHI AS A SNACK? YOU'RE SO FANCY." Then later at Big Dean's when I ask her if we can go bang it out in one of their port-o-potties I lose all sushi credibility. But ya, pass on the sushi bar.

7. The Sandwich Shop
I don't know man, I just don't get it. If I want a hot sandwich it's 5 dollar foot long all day. If I want a cold sandwich, I dunno, I go to a sandwich place? I never crave cold cuts, I think they're stupid. When I wanted a snack when I was a kid, I didn't make my self a roast beef sandwich. If all we had was cold roast beef, I would just eat a handful of it because I'm gross. I am not the target market for a 12 dollar "artisan" sandwich. Probably because I don't really do toppings. Maybe the arugula is dope at Whole Foods and that's what people are all about. I really only pay 12 dollars for a picnic style sandwich if I'm at the Malibu Country Mart on my way to Malibu Wines and want to impress a chick. "OHHHH YOU TOOK ME TO AN OLD SCHOOL COUNTRY MART TO GET A SANDWICH? YOU'RE SO FANCY." Then later after bottle 3 at MW when I ask her if she wants to go bang it out in a port-o-potty I lose all sandwich credibility. I'm noticing a pattern.

6. Stir Fry Bar
The first time I got a Teriyaki Bowl at Whole Foods I accidentally dumped an entire bottle of garlic salt in the bowl. I still ate it, but you know, it was pretty shitty. I ordered another one tonight and I think the bowl with a half pound of garlic salt was significantly better. I went dark meat tonight though, I didn't want to shell out the extra 30 cents for all white. Maybe that's on me. The truth is, I don't eat a massive variety of food, so if I have already had a burger, some pizza and some tacos (and choked down a heavily dressed salad) in a 48 hours, there isn't much left in my repertoire so I default to something meh like a Teriyaki bowl. Flame Broiler has a much better Teriyaki Bowl than Whole Foods. So does that one place in Westwood, and if you truck all the way out there you get to reward yourself with some Diddy Riese (ice cream sandwiches) Fun fact, my first year in LA I mobbed around frat parties at UCLA with my buddy's little brother claiming to be a fifth year transfer student because I literally have no shame. I may or may not have shacked at the Kappa house on Hilgard at the age of 25.

5. Pizza Bar
The pizza at Whole Foods is fine. There is much better pizza, much closer to me, but if you really want to be a fat ass the full pizza for 10 bucks deal is pretty solid. I mean not as solid as having Domino's bring you 2 mediums and chicken kickers for 15 bucks, but whatever. What I quickly want to do is use this space though to take one position (on of very few) that I feel passionately about. There is a time and a place for NY pizza, I will concede that, but if you unilaterally hate Chicago deep dish, FUCK YOU WITH A FUCKING SCALDING PIKE. Literally, there was a scene in the first season of The Tudors where they tortured a heretic with a burning spike. They jammed it up some chick's ass. Ok that's too much. I wish you no ill will. Maybe just give it another shot? It's really good. Ugh, now I'm going to have that visual haunt my dreams tonight. But if you need pizza in LA go with Abbots.

4. The Grill
I like the idea of The Grill more than I like it in practice. Basically the grill is like any meat department at any grocery store, but the butcher will then actually cook up your meat for you, throw in a side of fries and send you on your way. The problem is that there is like one fucking dude both taking meat orders and then doing the physical grilling. It takes about 15 minutes too long and then I start to think, maybe I should just grab some of that shitty sushi. It doesn't help that I am just staring at the beer and wine section the whole time this is happening, thinking that had I settled for a Teriyaki bowl I would be on beer number 3. There is funny enough a bar in this section. I aspire to some day plan in advance a trip to Whole Foods. I will attend a beer tasting, I will sample some cheese, I will relax while the grillmaster slow cooks a slab of ribs for me. I've always wanted to sit at the bar at Whole Foods, but for some reason, I've never had the courage There's always like some distinguished looking gentlemen sitting there and I don't want to impose. Some day. That's when I'll know I have my shit together.

3. Hot Bar/Cold Bar
Can't beat an original right? The Hot Bar/Cold Bar is fucking money. Want some Kale? WHICH OF THE FIVE KINDS? Feeling like some chicken curry, some mashed potatoes and some baby greens? Fuck it, you are your own boss. Mix and match homey and only 7 bucks a pound on Wednesdays. I always find myself asking what is the best value when you are paying by the pound. I feel like your traditional side items are the "bad value" items. Mashed potatoes and pasta salad are delicious, but heavy. Whereas do you know how much spinach you can jam in that box and stay under 10 bucks? Hint: It's a fuck ton. Thus I would imagine some sort of salad with a meat is your best bet. One time I was loading up on mac and cheese (bad value item) and the power went out. And you know what happened? Nothing. The power stayed out for 10 minutes, people waited for it to come back on, paid for their groceries and went about their day. That's when I knew the gentrification of Venice was complete.

2. Smoothie Bar
The smoothie bar at Whole Foods is dope. I rarely go, because by the time I get to Whole Foods I have typically already eclipsed by 10 dollar daily budget of Starbucks/Smoothies. But on the rare occasion I haven't, their variation of the strawberry/banana/apple smoothie always brings a shit eating grin to my face. Nothing to see here everyone, just a WASPY guy doing WASPY things.

1. Taco Bar
Oh god, I love it so much. Did you know that some people don't like cilantro? But it's not their fault, they are genetically engineered to think it tastes like ass. I pity those people. I imagine natural selection will kill them off eventually, but it's sad that they will never know the joy of pounding 6 street tacos with chicken tinga, cilantro, onion and XXX salsa. But even if you aren't there on Taco Tuesday...the Boardwalk and Westsider are hearty options any day of the week and they borrow names from the local culture (AWOL bitch!) and take a bit of the pretentious sting away from visiting a premium grocer. I love everything about the place down to the tacomasters, like most of them call me "homey" and comment on my beer selection. The slightly overweight but face so pretty I can get past it chick always smiles at me like I'm her favorite customer. Seriously they should have a tip jar, I would be offering gratuity like I was spending my parents' money and wanted the Kilroy's bartenders to like me.

And there you have it...8ish dining options from Whole Foods Market. They even take Apple Pay now so you can use your iPhone 6 and be a total douche. (Extra douche points if the person behind you is using EBT/food stamps or you ask your cashier what their tattoos mean) Grab a Kombucha on your way out and listen to some NPR on the way home. It's ok to enjoy the "basic" things in life.

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