Totally F*cked

There's a moment you know when you're fucked...it's the moment that your plane touches down on the runway after your 10 day denial of the real world and the karma angel you gave a toothy blowjob to takes a massive shit on your face. Like seriously I would rather go be Dsitrict 12's next representative in the Hunger Games than see all the painfully middle class lifers give me shit for going on a family vacation that involved me actually boarding a plane. Seriously sometimes I have to bite my toungue when I hear about their "vacations." Spending a long weekend at your parents' cottage in Wisconsin doesn't count. That is a fine weekend activity but you aren't allowed to get fired up and tell vacation stories about a normal Saturday. Someone please tell me that vacations exist after you turn 40? I went on Spring Break every year since I was 3...I always thought people that didn't go were weird. Now I come back to snivveling jealousy, oh the audacity to take off 2 weeks when you have only been here 18 months. Oh really? Oh the audacity of you to procreate, bringing a child into the world with a combined family income of under $100,000 is like having kids when you are HIV+ he is fucked...unless he is really good at sports or something, and I'm looking at you, he will be fat and unsuccessful.
/End Rant

Clearly I'm having a spectacular week team, I'm staying late to blog to give the illusion that I am staying late to work, to give the illusion that I care. Call me David Copperfield. While all my friends are drinking 1 dollar beers waiting to watch Taj Gibson deliver another cumshot to D Wade's face I am slowly typing some hate filled diatribe that will eventually leak out and lead to my firing...but it's better than getting dismissed by a shift assistant with a GED at the Gap over a Jew joke.

I've been passively looking for jobs the last few months because if I have to drive to Lake Forest one more time, it better be to take Tom Waddle's oldest daughter to Tsukasa for dinner because I believe this drive kills me a little every day and takes what used to be fun and light heartened into deadened rage. I've been having some fun with my cover letters and because I don't have anything else to complain about at the moment, I though I would share one with you. Enjoy, hope to see my fellow party people by halftime.

I swear to god, I honestly submitted this one, but I will remove the company name and my name for those who haven't figured it out yet...you are retarted, and I don't mean that in the you're an idiot kind of way, I mean like actually handicapped, like Sue Sylvester's sister who died last night in Glee kind of way. Spoiler alert.

In business school we were always taught that a cover letter should accomplish one goal which was to obtain an interview. After that we went over horrifying content and formatting restrictions which probably reflect why my stock resume still looks like the other 1000 Kelley School of Business applicants that companies such as you receive each and every day. If that’s all I have to get my foot in the door, it might as well be a crap shoot whether the former ball boy from Indianapolis that sold computers and cigarettes during and after college receives an interview. Welcome to the world of the creative (name redacted,) you are free of all restriction.
Thank you, I feel so much better now. I’ve never been one to format my resume into some crazy graphic, my skills in Photoshop end at me adding corgis to famous photos to make myself laugh. However, I have always had a way with words and a knack for thinking outside the box. Life can be so boring when you color within the lines, there is so much more opportunity and people often appreciate this different type of thought . I think often we underestimate that in business, in the world.
So what makes me memorable, do I show my prowess as a screenwriter and write a CV as a screenplay? That’s a novel idea, but I’m sure it’s been done before. Surely I could write some social commentary laced with profanity perhaps, but I’m sure you’ve read a blog or a twitter account before. At the end of the day, maybe reading this has spurred a certain interest within you. Maybe you just want to see what color tie I would wear to the interview, maybe you genuinely think I could provide value to (name redacted.) I’ll spare you the praise of your company that you often read, and skip the part where I list my skills and achievements and draw real world examples as to how I can use them in this new position. I will simply leave it at this, my name is (name redacted) and I want to work for you. Thanks.