USA! USA!

So last night as I was scarfing down my spicy tuna roll at a friend's going away dinner I started checking twitter because I was drunk and rather unimpressed with the people sitting near me. I saw the standard sports tweets, my uncreative friends overusing the phrase "Sunday funday" and a few of the cats that I follow were talking about comfortable places to nap. Then I saw a tweet from Brobible or TFM that said "Bush gets the win, obama gets the save" to which I was like wtf? My painfully slow Twitterberry finally refreshed and I saw about 10 million tweets that we had killed Osama Bin Laden. Of course my drunk ass stood up in a BYOB sushi restaurant and proudly declared that "Obama was dead!" Now me dressed as a faux Martha's Vineyard wannabe may give people the impression that I am a conservative douche, but not one to celebrate our presiden't demise. I quickly corrected my bold proclamation and proposed a toast to the Americans murdering OSAMA. Many of the Asians still looked at me blankly...whatever dude.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am most likely going to now require a cavity search to fly to Europe Thursday (I've got a record yo) last night was extremely badass. I stayed at US Beer Co until about 1230 drinking Old Styles because I couldn't think of any tangible connection it would have with non-American things (like Bud to inbev or Coors to Canada)

I got to work today and planned on doing extensive research on what happened. I ended up just laughing at Tumblr pages and Obama .gifs all day and one extremely awesome Taiwanese animators recreation of the events. At this point I think I know we doubletapped bin Laden in the face after mercing his 24 year old son and filling his wife full of lead after he tried to use her as a shield. Sorry brah.

The most interesting find of the day though was on his "wanted" poster. Cash reward for killing Osama 25 million dollars. 25 million fucking dollars to kill a skinny tall Arab? and I studied Marketing in College? Indiana needs to look into a new degree called Terrorist Hunter in the School of Mercenary. Osama was promised virgins in heaven? Imagine if you killed Osama! I imagine it would go like this.

*knock knock*
(Man answers door)
Man: Hello, may I help you?
Me: Oh, hello sir, I am here to sleep with your 18 year old virgin daughter.
Man: You have 10 seconds to leave or I am going to get my gun and fucking murder you.
Me: No sir, it's ok. I was the one that killed Osama bin Laden.
Man: Well why didn't you say so? Come on in son! Feel free to hit it raw, if you knock her up I'll cover the abortion, and thanks for the sacrifice you made for our country!
Me: Is your wife home too?
Man: I'll send her up in an hour and cook you a steak too.

And you could fucking repeat that shit daily for the rest of your life! And you would have 25 million dollars, not like you would have to ever spend money, I'm pretty sure the government would issue you a legal ID that says "Osama Assassin" and everything you could ever want is comped, I may even request to have my face added to Rushmore and Secret Service protection, and I would definitely want an EP credit when my story was eventually optioned off to be a biopic.

Moral of the story is: America fucking rocks, and 160 pounds is too skinny when you're 6'6" we probably could have killed that shifty fuck with powerful airsoft guns. In the mean time I'll be using the following line at bars on extremely drunk chicks. "Ya, I just got back from the Middle East, I was involved in a top secret president ordered assassination you may have heard of..."

Photo credit: Paul Bird...of course he was celebrating at Ground Zero