First of all, if the rights to the title "American Whore Story" are still available, I would like to pick those up immediately. I'm sure that will make for quite the porn parody.
As I was watching the new FX show featuring a masturbating maid and Dylan McDermott's ass I found myself thinking, this is cool and shit, but the title of the show should be American Haunted House. The generic title American Horror Story indicates that this is the classic tale of horror in America. I would argue that most people aren't really afraid of retarded kids and ghosts. They have much more real fears like collections agencies and child support payments. If you think about it American Horror Story would have been an extremely clever title about the collapse of the U.S. economy. This is what real Americans fear, losing their jobs, their homes, sending their kids to public schools. In fact I could probably decide right now that I'm going to write a really smart piece on what scares us as Americans, but I don't think that would interest my predominantly upper middle class twenty something readership.
At the top of the list of worries for many 24 year olds worldwide are "will I have safe working conditions in the mine today" or "will my village get clean drinking water." That's not an American horror story though, that's third world problems...or West Virginia problems. Most gen y'ers meanwhile are worried about whether their dealer will pick up at 3 am or if they are going to be able to marry a doctor or lawyer before they turn 26. Everyone lives within their own microscopic universe of which they are their own center, which is totally fine, selfishness is your best virtue. If you're not going to get yours who is supposed to get it for you.
But think about it, what are you really scared of? Fear of rejection? The bar turning on the lights before you can close with that cute brunette? Failing to perform once you get back to her place? You could write American Horror Story as a sitcom that overdramatizes a bunch of white person problems and the hijinks that ensue while trying to solve them.
In the grand scheme of things it just isn't that big of a deal. When I think back to all the "shitty things" that have happened to me in the past year, they are all pretty laughable. My problems just don't fucking matter, and the shit that I'm scared of is probably some repressed undiagnosed social anxiety disorder that I can only kick after an agressive pre-game and some superlative compliments from my friends to get me going. But at the end of the day, my American horror story is taking a nap on a Friday night and waking up at like 2 am and missing the night. Seriously, I use a night light not because I am afraid of the dark, but because I am afraid of being too comfortable and missing out. Fomo is and always will be my biggest fear, and that's what we're all really afraid of. Because like death, tonight is the great unknown, you may have a loose idea about what it's going to be like, but until you show up it's a mystery. So cheers to the adventure and the means to buy cases of smart water. It's your life, live it without fear.
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