Happy Jew Year

Many people may think that I have anti-semitic tendencies. And I assume that's fair. In the past I wanted to be a rapper named Aryan, for about 20 minutes I considered getting WASP tattooed on my shoulder, and I haven't always been the most understanding with the sons and daughters of Abraham. I think it all boils down to miscommunication and Hollywood stereotypes though.

As someone from Indianapolis, this is how it worked. You were either Protestant or Catholic, your parents were still married, and self loathing was definitely not stylish. I met my first Jewish person at the ripe age of 16, and I think by this point Hollywood stereotypes had taught me that anyone of Jewish descent was unathletic, had curly black sideburns and talked like there was a clothespin on their nose, and this stereotype probably rings true sometimes, but probably no more often than it does in any subsection of people. The truth is, I knew nothing about people of this faith, and I think that I passively learn to dislike anything that I don't understand, so that was that...that's how I used to feel, if you ever felt wronged by an off color joke I made or a hasty generalization about long island sluts going to SPAWTS and sucking black dude's dicks, please understand that was an attack on West Hempstead and not on your religion...

Because I was fucking wrong.

Jews are the shit. They really have it figured out. At the age of 9, I was pretty damn sure I was going pro in 3 sports. No one told me that it would never happen, everyone just encouraged me like it was a completely rational plan of attack for me. Meanwhile, the Drew Rosenhaus' of the world were busy befriending all the really good athletes and not wasting their time on JV. Or the fat unathletic Seth Rogens were perfecting their comedy or the thousands of bankers with names ending in stein and berg were doing multiplication tables or some shit, just getting a leg up on me.

Haters gonna hate, and I think that's all anti-semites really are. A bunch of haters, oh look at those people with better jobs than me, that went to better colleges, that have bigger trust funds...it's just jealousy. They are thinking how can nerdy little Frankie Horowitz have a hotter wife than I do? He either has a 16 inch cock or he is making 7 figures working at Goldman (which his father probably partially owns.)

Bringing me to my next point, nepotism. Nepotism is the fucking shit. You know who is impressed by "I came from nothing" stories? Fucking no one. Because the other people that "came from nothing" and made something of themselves are like, big fucking deal, so did I. The people that had their success handed to them on a silver platter are like "fuck you new money, go back to Brooklyn where you came from" and people that came from nothing and are still there can't afford internet to read about the inspirational story. Really, life is a crap shoot. If you are born into privilege you should never apologize for it. Every other human in the world had just as good a chance as you did of being born rich, they just weren't. And if your dad is going to get his golf buddies to write a letter of recommendation to get you a job that you don't deserve, you have my full endorsement because that is just how shit shakes down. My dad doesn't even play golf, or have the means to get me any sort of power job, but if he did I would totally let him flex his muscle for me. You know the people that talk behind your back "the only reason he got that job was because of who is dad is" ya those are the motherfuckers that didn't get the job and now work at the bar at Chili's on Tuesday nights.

Basically, I had this realization that Jews kind of stand for (almost) everything I believe in. (Except for the schlubby non-cocky non-agressive attitude, we need to work on that) They're rich, they're smart, they're well connected and oh ya, they fucking rage.

Think back to college, who did all the drugs? I'm sure everyone had a buddy in AEPi they would call if they were in a crunch for pot (among other things) if your dealer isn't black he's probably Jewish, the guy who is responsible for the overdose of...nevermind. They get fucked up, go out and spend all their parents money. And the best part is they don't judge you for any of your vices. I promise if you get caught having a blacked out cigarette at 3 in the morning, a Jewish girl probably won't give you shit for it. Really most of them came to college in the Midwest for that exact reason, to party. It's easy, it's easy to get into, and we can party really hard far away from our parents for 4 years.

Perfect example. Last weekend was Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashana and it's like some sort of feel bad for your sins and then it's new year. Whatever, everyone fasts for 24 hours. And then get's extremely drunk on an empty stomach (this could be an LA only rule since those over size 2 are ostracized...I'm sure food usually is involved) but anyway. Everyone gets really drunk and then there is some sort of honey and bread combination, fucking genius. I could eat that shit every single day.

Maybe Sammy Davis Jr. and Amare Stoudamire were onto something. Maybe being Jewish kinda rocks. Everyone was obsessed with Seth not Ryan in the O.C. Natalie Portman is America's sweetheart even after she had a bastard child. I hope this heartfelt apology can make up for my past ignorance, and I cheers you all to a sweet new year.