Thursday, October 20, 2011

Killing in the name of

Workaholics is one of those shows that everyone looks at and says "Dammit, why didn't I think of that. Me and my friends are just as despicable as them...but funnier! And we drink more! And like God dammit! I totally wrote a pilot for this when I was in the frat!"

Ok, maybe that's just me and other fame craving industry wannabe's hopped up on stimulants arguing about the next great Gen Y sitcom. I admit, I watched the first season begrudgingly and thought about how much better I could make it. But then I finally gave in and realized that I can't bitch about these idiots getting famous when I don't even try. Now that I have come to terms with this I am really enjoying season 2 (and the guys are great by the way, I saw them at Cut Copy chugging whiskey and I'm fairly certain one of them had a oney)

Anyway, there was an episode a while back about how anything that is paid for by tax payer money is partially theirs. Using this sound logic they steal a wooden dragon from a children's playground at a public park. So I get to thinking, I pay my taxes, I should start claiming communal property for personal use, but I don't know how my lesbionic roommates would feel about me bringing home a jungle gym to our back yard (ever since they got rid of our awesome trampoline I am under the impression that they are allergic to fun)

Side note: I feel like I can pretty much have free reign to make fun of Lesbians, because I don't know any. Furthermore, I would argue that the Lesbian sub-culture is vastly different than the gay culture. Gay guys can roll with the "in-crowd" and be horrible, judgmental, mean people in their own right just like a straight person could be. In fact being gay is pretty much mainstream by now, everyone has a ton of gay friends...but how many yuppie cliques have a designated dyke...think about it. /endrant

So while I was brainstorming how to put this 'I own pretty much everything' principle to use I caught word that Gaddafi had been killed. Firebombed by NATO then shot to death in a sewage pipe with his son by Libyan rebels...fuck ya America! And while I can't take full responsibility for the doings of NATO, I'm sure at least one of those nickels I have spent on an aluminum beer can deposit has gone to NATO. Therefore I am a co-financier of high profile assassinations. And so are you! Some meated out SEAL team 6 badass may have pulled the trigger, but do you know who bought that bullet that tore into Osama's right orbital bone? You did. Our Grandparents paid for the Manhattan Project. Anything badass the American Government has done over the past 25 years we have all been a part of (except my main man Wesley Snipes, pay your taxes brah)

You don't necessarily have to be on board with all of this, but then you would have to abstain from owning land and purchasing anything, or having a job...you can't get around supporting badass American espionage, suck it you liberal hippies! Even like the biggest military failure in American history, The Bay of Pigs, 4 Americans died...compared to 176 Cubans...ya Fidel Castro is still alive all these years later, but that's a pretty disparaging difference, all international conflicts should play by the rules of team slayer in my opinion. (Halo joke #nerdmoves)

The moral of this story is military coups are awesome, government ordered assassinations are the tits and we are a part of all of this. How many bad guys has the American government killed since I was born, Probably over a million and there hasn't even been a significant war. Call me an accessory to bitches. Next time I am in a job interview you will see something new on my resume, "Co-financer to the destruction of the non-westernized world." It should at least be an interesting talking point.

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