Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Not to be cliche, but...

If any of you read my old blog Frat Italy, you will remember that it was more or less a way for me to recap my adventures while studying abroad. With no access to a cell phone or a reliable internet connection for skype and e-mail it was an easy way to keep people slightly aware of my comings and goings in Europe with some slight hyperbole to keep things interesting. Then when I switched my blog to Chicago it became more or less a space for me to rant about my thoughts and feelings as told through the eyes of generation Y because pretty much everyone knew what I was up to. Now I'm thousands of miles away again so I've tried to make it a bit more of a hybrid. That said, I don't think that everyone wants to tune in a couple times a week to hear about the awesomely cool shit that happened in LA over the weekend because it will just make you jealous and you'll learn to hate me and unfollow me on twitter.

That said, this past weekend was pretty epic. It involved all of my favorite things: karaoke, beer fests, sleeping in cars in alleys, day parties and of course strip flip cup. The only thing that could have gone better is if Tebow wouldn't have shit the bed. Second coming? I'm pretty sure I could muster a better performance against the Patriot's D.

There is just something about the timing of MLK day weekend. After the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's combo the real world really comes back and fucks you up the ass hard. But then 2 weeks later this wonderful little holiday gives you a brief reprieve from the winter and most importantly a Monday. Last year I spent the long weekend in New York and my body recovered in mid-March. Alas, I'm sure you all had an equally crazy weekend, just not in shorts and sandals. The worst part of enjoying the 3 day weekend is that you will undoubtedly be hungover until Wednesday, so if you called in sick today...congrats you only have to suffer through 3 days until you get to do it all over again.

A lot of you might be thinking "Fuck you! I didn't have the day off yesterday." Well neither did I, but if you work for a publicly traded company and you didn't get the day off yesterday, your CEO is probably racist. But Martin Luther King day is over now. The Colts have fired Jim Caldwell and there is now nothing to look forward to until St. Patrick's Day, unless you wanted to come out to L.A. for my birthday weekend. Sure the NFL Playoffs will keep you going for a little while longer and if IU decides to stop sucking dick that will provide the occasional fun distraction, but it's time to accept the fact that you are going to be watching a lot of TV the next 60 days. It's fine, there is a reason all your favorite shows come back around this time. (Side note: If you aren't watching Angry Boys, you need to go home tonight and watch every episode. Don't miss out all over again like you did with Summer Heights High)

While you are watching these shows you will notice a lot of terrible cliches. What I have decided to focus on today (after that extremely long winded intro, sorry) is a situation you will see in a movie, how it will go in the movie, and how it will go in real life.

Scenario 1.) Dorky guy falls for absolute babe. Babe blows him off. Ugly chick is dork guy's best friend. Babe is dating big bully asshole. Babe realizes her boyfriend is a dick. Babe wants dorky guy. Dorky guy goes for ugly chick.

You all know this, or some variation of it. American Pie (Allyson Hannigan was NOT hot back then) Snow Day, Shallow Hal. It's the fucking worst. I almost always stand up and yell at the screen. This is not at all how it would end up in reality. The protagonist would at least bang the hot chick for a while before realizing her character flaws and dumping her. The ugly chick would still be there waiting in the wings at the end of the day. The one movie that kinda went away from this cliche was Wet Hot American Summer when at the end Connie Moreau tells the dorky guy...I'm still going to bang Paul Rudd, because he is popular and you are a dork.

Scenario 2.) No one ever dies in those big car chases.

Think about those crazy car chases in movies. Any Bourne film, Bond, Bad Boys. There are literally catastrophic crashes. Head on, explosions, run over by trucks, trains even sometimes. But at the end of the day the stressed out police chief merely chastises the "cop that takes matters into his own hands" This shit would not fly. Dozens of civilians would be killed in those actual crashes, everyone at the department would be fired, the city would be sued potentially for billions...the film would not end with the protagonist floating on a raft raw dogging a Hungarian princess.

Scenario 3.) Frat boys are douchebags and sorority girls are ditzy bimbos.

Most Hollywood writers are punky unathletic Jewish kids that were probably picked on by the popular guys growing up, thus the "in crowd" is typically villainized in TV and movies. This is why none of my pitches that glorify the Greek system will ever sell because if the Hollywood writer as a "puj" is a hasty generalization, I assure you that every studio head didn't get a varsity letter.

Scenario 4.) Twenty something year old journalists, publicists, ad execs, writers...basically anyone that lives in L.A. or New York and has a "cool job" lives in multimillion dollar condos and easily makes 6 figures. They go to swank restaurants every night and have plenty of time before work every day to go to lavish brunch with friends.

No. The cooler a job sounds, the less a company can pay you because they know there are a million other people who will do it for less or even for free. A lot of people that hold those "sweet jobs" are hourly, or hired on a work to hire basis which could be a paid or unpaid internship. Your favorite bloggers on the internet make about $10 a post and Dan Humphrey would have never gotten a 6 figure advance for his first novel. The grass is always greener, but if you want to hit it big at 25 go back to school and take a few informatics classes.

Scenario 5.) Thirty minutes before the end of any romantic comedy some sort of conflict will arise and the main couple will split up. The one who gets dumped will immediately turn to alcohol, they will not shave or go to work for 3 weeks, they will lock themselves in solitary confinement. Someone intervenes they get back together.

Ok so maybe that one is close, I believe in happy endings...but I would prefer they sub in a montage of a bender with hookers, blow and Vegas for the pathetic wallowing in misery. That seems more realistic.

I think movie cliches are hilarious. Check out this list I was working off of if you find these humorous. http://www.moviecliches.com

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