Wednesday, January 4, 2012

20 New Year's Resolutions for twentysomethings

Like many of you, I saw my Facebook minifeed blow up with that post the Thought Catalog did a few days ago. And I get it, it's cutesy and slightly snarky and a lot of those things might better yourself. It seemed like every girl I know loved it. But the more I thought about it the more I hated them, the people that write for that are the most pretentious group of ass assassins on the web, "we are no brow, and neither lean to the right or left, you might become a more interesting and or smarter for reading our musings..." ya blah blah blah fuck that. Your twenties are a time to get it all out of your system before you really have to grow up, not fake being an adult. Spend less money in a month than you make? Then what's the point of having wealthy parents. As many of you know this is a satire site so I'm not serious with all of these suggestions, but a few of them I am. You aren't going to quit smoking and doing drugs just because it's 2012. Even if you write down the goal of going to the gym 3 times a week, you will probably fail...and if you are one of those out of shape hippos that just goes there to check yourself in on foursquare so that your friends are proud of you and then you hang out for an hour, guess what? You will still be gross looking, and have a harder time in this world.

Alas, my 20 New Year's Resolutions. Some of them will better you, some of them will make you worse, some of them I just put in to make you chortle.

1. Move the fuck out of your parent's house. Ya, you're saving money, but you are also pathetic, no one wants to take a cab to the burbs in order to conclude a one night stand and surprisingly with age the willingness to get down on a couch is sadly fading.

2. Rent a hotel room for homecoming. Even if the sophomore with big tits and a skinny waist doesn't mind getting down on a couch you probably don't know any of the guys in the live out anymore and the benches in chapter can't be good for your back.

3. Win a bar fight. At 25 it's an accomplishment, at 35 it's assault...best to do it sooner rather than later. The female version of this would be to tell someone to go fuck themself in a very public setting, orrrr win a bar fight.

4. Stop using condoms...at this point in your life you should be responsible enough to deal with the consequences of your actions, and you should know what std's you are going to contract from your chosen partner...come on this is part of growing up.

5. If you don't want to go to someone's wedding/party/child's christening because you don't really like them and would rather do something else...send a card and keep on living your life.

6. Stop saying the n bomb...swearing is ok, but every white kid has at one time in their life referred to one of their other white friends as their n*gga...hip hop is dead, this is the year to give up on your wiggerdom.

7. Have a drink...this is always your first order, you don't have to always order this, but your close friends should immediately know what your default is. If you are a man it should be whiskey based, women vodka based...but if it's whiskey based, let's hang out.

8. If you are still blacking out, taking amphetamines, smoking pot all day Sundays but you make it to work on time and do a respectable job, do whatever the fuck you want, because in five years you won't be able to do this anymore.

9. Get a significant other...or don't if you don't want to. Derek Jeter is almost 40 and he is happy as a clam, most of the people around you that are getting married are doing it out of societal pressure and boredom, fuck them, did you see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? Mikael Blomkvist is doing just fine.

10. If you want to go on a fun trip but work is getting in the way, just fucking go. It's your vacation time, if you want to go to Oktoberfest in Germany or just lock yourself in a room and go on a meth binge, that's your prerogative. Some day in the near future you will inevitably have something fun cancelled by something like a sick child and you can't call in sick for that.

11. Have a threesome...bonus points if they are both hookers. 4x multiplier if it's in Vegas.

12. Take a random fling on a spontaneous trip immediately after your one night stand...because it's basically the most ballingest thing ever.

13. If you hate your job, quit. If you want to move somewhere, move. If you want to break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend do it...because if you don't you will learn to hate yourself for never going for it. And by breaking up with your girlfriend now you will save probably about $100,000 in the divorce that will never happen.

14. If you are a vegetarian, quit that lame shit. I understand it's sad when you see cute little chickens and you realize that they will some day be my McNuggets, but if the tables were turned and we tasted as delicious, don't think for 2 seconds they would hesitate.

15. See every one of the nominated best pictures from the past year, everyone loves a cinephile. This is the one-ish thing I liked on FrotCatalog's list...the reality TV thing is atrocious but Enlightened doesn't really do it for me, it's all about that spiritual empowerment bullshit, the same though process that queefed out Eat, Pray, Love.

16. Read...and I don't care what it is. Read the Steve Jobs bio or the Hunger Games or some shit. There's nothing more deadly than an intellectual asshole, and while talking about Katniss Everdeen won't win you any philosophy awards it will probably get you into at least one girl's pants this year.

17. Don't get your own place, don't move in with your significant other...this will be the death of you. Living alone is depressing, and living unmarried together with a member of the opposite sex is a death blow to your social relevance. If you really want to do this then just move out to the burbs, get married and stop judging the rest of us that still instinctively wake up on Saturday mornings with the expectation that it's time to start drinking.

18. No one is looking at the brand label anymore...if you are wearing that $300 North Face it better be because it is really fucking comfortable and warm. (Note: I am in constant violation of this but that is because my mom still takes my cues from my college wardrobe where it was important for me to portray an image of fiscal elitism, I now shop at the Rack and The Maxx like it's my job)

19. Stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks. Social norms be damned, live your fucking life. Do what you want, be irresponsible, your time where you can literally do whatever you want is numbered. Some day in the not to soon future, you will look like a jackass doing anything on this list, some day this stuff will land you in jail or in lawsuits or not invited to the family Thanksgiving...but you can pull it off for just a little longer.

20. Stop writing your stupid blog. No one really cares what you think, they're just bored at work...I'm kidding, I will always be a staunch supporter of anyone's creative outlet, if slam poetry or weird religious rituals get you off, fire away. Here's to an irresponsible 2012 of getting yours and mowing over anyone who stands in your way.

Update: I can't believe I fucking forgot this one...so here is a bonus resolution for those of you reading this late.

21. STOP FUCKING POSTING YOUR ULTRASOUNDS TO FACEBOOK, TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR KIDS, PICTURES OF YOUR RING (you would have gotten a bigger one had you waited until later in life) no one gives a fuck that you're pregnant, in fact it just means that you're going to get fat and can't drink for a while...so just stop.

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