Thursday, January 19, 2012

Growing Pains

I used to look forward to birthdays a lot. My parents would throw me a lavish party at chuck-e-cheese or an indoor water park or a pacers game or discovery zone or the embassy suites...you know all those places that kick ass at age 10. Then I would be showered in gifts by my family and friends. (The best part about growing up in a somewhat affluent area is that your friends' parents always wanted to get the best gift, due to this competitive nature I always got the newest video game or nerf gun available) The whole day was about me, we would get cheese pizza and vanilla cake so I would actually get to eat some, my mom would bake rice crispy treats that I could take in for a classroom celebration, life was fucking good.

The college birthdays were great because it seemed like every night was someone's 21st...aka an excuse for you to blackout like a jackass and sign their shot book. However, in recent years birthdays have become sort of a hassle. Any normal person that has at least 100 friends is going to be plagued by 3 birthday dinners a week. And some assholes feel entitled enough to have a birthday dinner AND a birthday party on 2 separate nights. Or there will be the person that plans the birthday trip...the whole fucking weekend. I don't know who told these princesses and self-centered fucks that their date of birth is worthy of 2% of my annual social calendar, but it's gotten to be a tad annoying.

Along with the grudges held for skipping out on the birthday festivities are the pressures on you to plan your own birthday. Well fuck it. I'm over it. Each birthday past 21 is just another year closer to death. There really isn't anything to celebrate...you are just widening the gap between you and the age of a chick you can fuck in good taste. (age/2+7...19 year olds get at me for the next week) Another thing though that comes with age are social expectations such as maturity, fiscal independence. Perhaps you are thinking of settling down, starting a family...are you going to have roommates forever? Isn't it time you start paying for your own car repairs? In fact, I've put together a little guide, for those of you trying to stay on the "right track" to adulthood.

25.) Congrats you can rent a car! But you can't fuck Freshman in college anymore. In fact, you should probably just give up on that. You had your 4 years of college, that first year out when you went back 8 times and then the next 2 years when you went back a full week for homecoming. It's time to move on. You're no longer welcome there. Being 25 and at a college bar doesn't make you the man, it makes you the creep. Ya, you can probably pick off some low hanging fruit and shack with a 4 or 5 when the bar is closing, but your contemporaries will never respect you. Stop taking shots, stop going out on Thursdays just because. You're halfway to 50 there chief, grow the fuck up.

26.) No more Obama care for you buddy, it's time to take $20 out of each paycheck and get yourself a shittly little hmo! Get dental insurance too, there are better ways to save $7 a month than to risk it on your teeth. By the way, do you still live in a 4 bedroom apartment with your college buddies? Might want to think about a condo with maybe one work friend. This way you can split gas and carpool, this is a practical life decision. You'll be making a lot more of these from now on. And aren't you tired of going to the bars every single weekend night and spending hundreds of your hard earned dollars? Is it really that gratifying still to feed a girl shots until she consents to be your rail-piece for the night. You should meet a nice young woman. Great places to meet people: volunteering, match.com, bible study.

27.) It's time to stop living paycheck to paycheck pal. How are you ever going to afford to buy your woman a rock if you don't have at least 20gs banked away. What you don't have a serious girlfriend yet? What the fuck is wrong with you? And the wedding...you think that the bride's dad still foots the bill? That's pretty 20th century buddy, unless you are marrying an oil baroness. Oh wait, you aren't marrying anyone. Get your shit together. Are you contributing to your 401k? Do you have a financial adviser? Do you know what a Roth IRA is. Stop watching reality TV, you should be watching CNN and following politics. If you got laid off tomorrow do you have enough money to stay afloat for awhile? It would be pretty fucking pathetic to move back in with mom and dad.

28.) A mortgage is much more fiscally responsible that renting. At least you have equity in something. I hope you've been paying your credit card bills and traffic tickets off in time...mom and dad can't cosign forever. Ya, I know you don't want to give up the hustle and bustle of the city. But you really can't afford to buy downtown. Move out to the suburbs! You can acquire a lot of land for pennies on the dollar if you move up north. Who cares about the stigma that goes along with it...this is all about stretching your dollar. It's time to make some sacrifices too. Your $250 cable bill? That could be over a month of groceries. Do something nice for your wife, cancel your NFL Sunday ticket so she can do hot yoga once a week. It makes her feel important and healthy. That's what marriage is about compromise and sacrifice.

29.) Aren't you glad you opted for a house in the burbs with more space? That condo downtown would have been pretty cramped with 3! You're going to be a dad! Isn't that wonderful? All the fun shit you used to do, forget about it. You now clean up shit for a living, but it's so wonderful because you have been granted the gift of human life! No more sex with the wife, no more boys nights. You have to be there to support her. Yep, having a kid is expensive, good thing you don't go on those downtown benders anymore...the price of buying a bottle that's like a 2 week supply of formula. Aren't you happy? You gave it all up for this. But it was totally worth it. You have a beautiful wife...well she's fat and irritable now, but pregnancy is a beautiful thing. You own your home, well you're already upside down on your mortgage, but you'll figure it out. Can't wait to trade in my sports car for a more practical mini-van. Yes this is the dream.

30.) Heyyyy, don't worry about it. Divorce happens to almost everyone. Yes it's pretty terrible that your wife dumped you because you weren't the fun guy she fell in love with. Obviously, you gave it all up for her, and that baby who's life you won't be much a part of, but you fully financially support. The baby, your ex-wife, and your new ex-wife's unemployed boyfriend who recently moved into your house. The good news is that after child support, alimony(too bad she wasn't an MD/DDS), the mortgage (for the house you no longer live in) and your weekly therapy sessions, you can afford to get a small studio in (insert shitty but kinda downtown neighborhood here) You are reborn my man! You're back. Ya, you're still working at the same shitty sales company that you started out of college. You're still in the city that you swore you would leave some day, but you have fucking wisdom man. You have been through hell and back and you're only 30. Shit, and you still look decent. You may even have a single friend or two that you can hit the town with hard tonight. Because fuck it, you played society's little game and you lost. So it's time to take society's ideals and give them a swift donkey punch. Sure 30/2+7=22 but if you want to fucking blast an 18 year old girl from the back tonight, you are within your legal rights as an American.

Or...next Sunday I turn 25. I will continue to live my life exactly the way I have been and keep doing the things that make me happy. I'll pay for my cell phone bill when I make as much money as my dad. If scouring engagement rings on Pinterest is your thing, that's fine I'm not stopping you. But I'm a Single Dude in LA living my life for me, and anyone that tells me to do otherwise can go fuck themselves.

1 comment:

  1. Holy shit, I am a guys girl kinda woman and I was freaking out till I read your last paragraph ha, seriously! Too bad everyone doesn't think like you, great read buddy!

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