Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Frat Italy

I'm not actually going back to Italy for another 10 days...but in the future I would like to make that an annual trip. Alas, I am moving to Venice. I'm finally free of the terrible cell phone reception in Santa Monica Mountains, the stigma of living in the valley and crazy Russian lesbians that stay up until 4 in the morning gunning unfiltered cigs and drinking vodka. I have to admit, I will miss the eclectic crew of which I had become a member. By the time I moved out the "commune" included an Afghan, a French guy, his French ex-girlfriend (No English), the lesbian married couple, and a white engaged couple from Fresno. Indiana stereotypes be damned I was totally down with all of it.

But there comes a time when you need to stop living on a mattress pad upstairs and using a snuggie as a duvet and move in with your friends. No more weekend couch surfing for me, I have a home, in a trendy area, in a building that has nothing but single girls in their 20's. Sure, there are homeless vagrants abound, and apparently we live a block away from a major drug operation, but that's no different than living at North and Halsted, I turned out just fine.

What I'm really looking forward to is the bubble. People unfamiliar with Los Angeles may not understand that the neighborhoods are extremely segmented. People that live on the west side (venice, Santa Monica) or south bay (marina del ray, playa del ray, hermosa, manhattan, redondo) rarely interact with the east siders. The east side neighborhoods (Hollywood, Echo Park, Silverlake, Los Feliz and parts of West Hollywood) are far more pretentious and in my opinion everything that is horrible about LA. Hipsters, 16 dollar drinks, club promoters, lines, "high fashion", what do you do, who do you know. it's really the fucking worst. There is a time and a place for that, when I am a junior creative exec at Warner Bros. maybe I'll want that world back...but for now, see ya.

But the west side, best side...where your waist size and dick length matter, not who your Jewish Grandfather plays squash with. It is just a 20something midwest guy's dream. I have the beach, I have like minded people that choose their parties based on how drunk they can get as opposed to who they might see or be seen by. Every morning I can walk to the beach or shred my roller blades up to Malibu or bike somewhere. People on the west are more active, they are more attractive, they are what you see on TV. But I will stop fawning over how excited I am to be a Venezian and move onto the meat of this post. (500 words in and I haven't gotten to my point, sorry I'm wordy)

Moving...it can be the worst. Fortunately for me, I have no tangible assets. I can literally throw everything I own in 2 suitcases and maybe a trashbag throw it in the car and head west. It reminds me of how I used to move down to the frat. I would take all my shit and throw it in my car, my mom's car and my dad's car and we would drive down to Bloomington on a warm late summer day. All the parents would be there and my roommates would be there, and...oh fuck it...how about a frat guy's guide to moving.

1. BEEEEEEER- Everyone had that roommate with the liberal dad who knew that the moving process would be a lot better if everyone was properly lubricated. Even though you were only 19 moving into your Sophomore party room, he didn't hesitate to hand everyone a pop in front of even the strictest most conservative of parents. Yet not wanting to cause a fuss no one said anything and soon enough this sweaty move in mess, became a drunken exercise in manly power lifting and problem solving (THE L COUCH WILL FIT!) You can easily apply this to post college moves as well. Throw on a frat tank and get a few pops and begin the heavy lifting. If I've learned one thing in my life it is that combining one thing you do like with one thing you do not like > one thing you do not like.

2. Cause a fucking scene- The first thing unloaded should always be the entertainment system so you can blast enough tunes to get you threw the rest of the process. This also accomplishes 2 more things, it sets the fucking tone with the neighbors. Wow, these 3 guys in bro tanks are blasting Aerosmith and drinking tall boys, make a note to party with them. Also it may solicit some help from people nearby. Since you will look so sweet unloading your 80 inch LED tv, you will instantly be heralded as good guys to know, wanting to be included in the party, passers by will be quick to lend a hand.

3. Announce an imminent housewarming party- During your move, people will inevitably stop by to get to know you a little bit, introduce themselves, see what all the ruckus is about. This conversation should go as follows, "Oh no, we're not having a party tonight, that keg in there is just our move-in beer...but next Saturday starting at 3pm and going 12 hours strong you better vacate the block or get ready to rage." This will give all your neighbors female and male ample time to prepare for your epic introduction to the neighborhood.

4. Don't be afraid to just say fuck it in the middle of the move and start playing a drinking game- Since you are most likely going to be moving on a Saturday there may be excuses abound to abandon your responsibilities are begin to indulge. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, I can't think of anything frattier than successfully filling the apartment with scattered boxes, declaring the job done and hosting an impromptu beer darts tournament.

5. Make your parents/girlfriend/sober buddy return the U-Haul. Marvel at your work, start drunkenly throwing out ideas for amateur home improvement. "A foosball table would look great there...can we wire the surround sound into each room? I got dibs on the girl in 3A." These are the type of heartwarming conversations it is important to have with roommates as you begin your bonding process.

That's it. I'm fucking ready. Like I said, I don't really have anything other than clothes and a few books, so I will probably be spending the majority of my efforts this Saturday on drinking and carrying my roommates' stuff that looks heavy but really isn't so I can hit his parents up for free dinner afterward. But seriously, just follow those 5 simple steps and the monumental task of moving becomes enjoyable, the chicks across the hall will be blowing in you no time at all. And I am sorry if this post got a little too fratty-centric for you...I hang out at UCLA all day what do you expect. In any event, check back tomorrow when I rank the 10 most awesome shots ever created.

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