Oscar picks 2012

What's up you uncultured fucks? It's Friday night and the last thing I want to do is write a blog post revealing my Oscar picks. But then again, I do this all for you and I know some of you will have Oscar pools Sunday to add some zest to the monotony of winter in the Midwest. Since I am the only certified cinephile among you and many of this year's best didn't even come to your cities I will enlighten you and make certain that you win that $50 Amazon gift card.

Let me start with saying, it was a pretty miserable year for movies. Out of the 9 best picture nominees, 4 were decent and 1 was good. The rest ranged from "meh to click click BOOM." I won't bore you with deep analysis on why what I say will win, will win...just know this the Academy Awards are the last major award show of the season. Each guild has its own awards show the weeks prior. A bunch of retards in your pool will just vote the Golden Globe winners...they are idiots.

Let's move on to the major categories shall we?

Let's start randomly with...
Actress in a leading role:
The winner will be Viola Davis because the Academy loves showing black women cry. Take an Oscar bait movie about post-slavery slavery and it's almost a done deal. I personally think Michelle Williams deserves to win, but I'm almost glad I don't have to see Heath Ledger's baby mama take the stage. She is so fucking frail I am always afraid she is going to break. The Help was a stupid movie based on a stupid book and it is the only movie so far to make my precious Emma Stone look unflattering. Or maybe I am such a chauvinist that I just don't give a fuck about female ensemble casts. But hey, I liked Bridesmaids!
 I give this pick about an 85% chance of panning out.


Actor in a leading role:
Moneyball was really good, but it had two problems. 1. There really isn't any payoff. Billy Beane made it to the playoffs on a low budget. It's impressive but the Marlins won titles by spending pennies. They try to dedicate Theo Epstein's success to Billy and Sabermetrics, but at the end of the day it's a movie about a GM who still hasn't won a title. Problem 2: Jonah Hill.
George Clooney was good in the Descendants but was overshadowed by the girl from Secret Life of the American Teen who I desperately want to fuck.
Sidenote: From watching seasons of Greek and seeing episode previews, I am fairly certain that show is about someone getting knocked up. I don't know if it's her, and I don't know how the baby daddy character reacts, but I would be more than willing to cast my lot in with her.
Oh shit, I promised you no wordy analysis...Jean Dujardin wins for The Artist. Not only is it amazing, but the Academy likes to have at least 1 of 4 as a token foreigner. He's likable, he did SNL and a Funny or Die video, plus the only character to overshadow him in his movie wasn't human...twas a dog...that dog better be at the Oscars.

Actress in a Supporting role:
Unfortunately America isn't over their obsession with sassy black women. So we are going to get tears round 2 for this category (even though it may actually be the first award announced, I can't remember the order) Octavia Spencer wins for The Help. Now I know what you're thinking...Won't she split votes with Jessica Chastain? She will, and given the recent trend for villains to win the supporting awards I like your logic. That said Chastain would merit more of a 2011 general achievement award. She was great in other movies such as Take Shelter, The Debt and Take Shelter but none were standalone outstanding. Personally I would give the award to Berenice Bejo for The Artist, but the screenwriter fucked her for not giving that ending any romantic payoff.


Actor in a Supporting role:
I'll admit it Jonah Hill was great in Moneyball, but he's just a raging fag and that's all there is to it. This is actually the strongest category of the night. Big ups to Nick Nolte for scoring a nod, you give drug addicts across the world hope. I don't know what the fucking deal is with Kenneth Branagh I don't like actor/directors..pick one. It's pretty much a forgone conclusion that Christopher Plummer is going to win. Beginners is about being gay and shit, whatever it's good he deserves to win.


Animated Film
Reviews were strong for Rango but I think it's likely you won't see one of the big studio American films take it this year as the sequel/spin off to the Kung Fu Panda and Shrek franchises were nothing revolutionary. Banner year for cats in the animation category as they represent 40% of the nominees...Fuck it...if Midnight in Paris can't win anything maybe a cat can. A Cat in Paris.


Music (Original Song)
Can't argue against Flight of the Conchords. Bret McKenzie for Muppet or a Man ftw!

Best Original Screenplay
A lot of Woody Allen is too Jewy and quirky for me to get into. He is an atrocious looking man yet cast himself in all these timeless romantic comedies...I just don't buy it. But Midnight in Paris was just perfect on so many levels. I'm so glad Owen Wilson's suicide attempt failed. And this movie just proved even further that Regina George is a cunt. If this movie doesn't land the trophy I am never watching the Oscars again.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Tough one. Even though the Academy usually tries to throw some love to the Brits, I don't even think that the old senile members of the Academy found themselves able to stay awake during Tinker Tailor. That and I am about to start splitting some major awards so I will go with Alexander Payne for The Descendants.

Best Director
There are some powerhouse names in this category but the winner will be Alexander Payne. The Academy just loves this guy as much as he hates Merlot. Marty already got his award a few years back, he's not going to get his 2nd for a propaganda flick about film preservation. Woody will already have his statue for screenplay. Not enough buzz ever got behind notable hermit Terrence Malick's latest effort and unfortunately the reason The Artist gets so much love is because of the gimmicks surrounding it. Making a beautiful film in 2012, shooting it in black and white and silent may almost seem like cheating...sorry Michael Hazanavicius.

Best Picture
ELIC should win a razzie for worst picture of the year. I read that book and was so angry with how the film turned out. Just a awful year overall for adaptations. Water for Elephants, One Day, ELIC all terrible. Perhaps I need to stop reading books. Even GWTDT was a bit of a let down.
This category comes down to just 2 real competitors. Let's quickly dismiss the others.
The Help had it's teary proud black women early in the show...enough.
War Horse was a stupid Black Beauty-esque story about a stupid Brit and his boring horse and very PG rated war sequences...yuck.
Midnight in Paris...not even I can dream that hard
Moneyball...Brad Pitt + dip = no oscar
Hugo is like a dark horse third place contender...but it was only really beautiful in 3d...I think the old voters are afraid of 3d...(See Avatar loss 2010)
Tree of Life, again it's like the obligatory artsy nominee from a strange director. (He hasn't made a movie in 20 years! Let's nominate him!) Big ups to the dinosaurs in the beginning though. Huge fan of that.

So we are left with The Descendants and The Artist.
The Descendants is basically a story about a guy who has a wife that cheats on him. I have never hooked up with a married woman, but I have hooked up with someone who might have gotten married if well...whatever. I imagine it's a shitty situation for all parties involved. Especially if there are kids involved. If I was the cheatee I would probably handle the situation similar to Clooney...it was different because the spouse is on her death bed so to Chris Brown a bitch would seem inappropriate. That said, I hated the overarching subplot with the land, the supporting cast was extremely unlikable. (Her parents, his extended family members, that random dude) But it is a touching story about how one handles themselves in a time of crisis.

The Artist is just awesome. It's the most you thought you could never enjoy yourself during a silent film. I have been bitching up a storm about the lack of romantic payoff at the end...here is a little spoiler alert. The chick saves the dude from suicide and it's inferred that she never stopped loving him and was always helping from the shadows through his divorce, bankrupcy and litany of other personal problems. At the end she gets him back into motion pictures as a dancer instead of a talking actor because he'sssss FRENCH! But there is no kiss...and as a hopeless romantic I just cannot let that shit fly. She loved him as a friend? Really? The defining scene of the movie with the coat...ugh.

So we are left with two imperfect films, but I gave Payne the adapted screenplay and the Directing Oscar. Artist gets Best Picture and we sweep 2011 films under the rug and pretend it never happened.

Other minor categories...some of these are just random guesses.
Cinematography- Hugo
Art Direction- The Artist
Costume- The Artist
Doc: Undefeated (Although Paradise Lost 3 is really good too)
Doc Short: Tsunami and The Cherry Blossom
Editing: The Artist (Although had they nominated TGWDT trailer instead I would vote for that)
Foreign: A Separation (If it's nominated more than once always pick that foreign flick)
Make-up: Albert Nobbs
Original Score: The Artist (Although it's tough to beat John Williams TWICE)
Animated Short: La Luna
Live action short: Time Freak
Sound Editing: Drive
Sound Mixing: Hugo
Visual Effects: Rise of The Planet of The Apes

Cheers yall...here's to Sunday night events that force us to drink.