Yelp is a great idea in theory. A bunch of like minded people will review everything from Pet day spas to trendy night clubs. It's an extremely effective tool if you are new to a city trying to check out something new. I love the price breakdown in $ signs, the hours, contact information for said venue, it's extremely convenient when I am attempting to make a cursory decision on where to go on a given evening. I appreciate the Yelp format and it's employees I give them 10 points.
However, the people that let me down on Yelp are the reviewers, and I had to imagine this would be the case. People let me down every day of the week, but I thought that there would be some reviewer like me on Yelp. But people like me do not Yelp. Wannabe foodies and embittered customers Yelp and I guess the gays, of course they do...and a lot of girls do it too but they just aren't going after what I'm going after.
Here is an example of what I am talking about. Here is the situation, last night I was considering on going to this newish trendy bar (yep it's in a hotel lobby) called Churchill. It's your standard $10 a drink place in LA...not really my ideal scene on a Thursday, but whatever, there's nothing but attractive people there and I don't like poverty. That said, I hopped on Yelp to read a bit about it, maybe there is some mysterious special on a Thursday night that I can take advantage of. 1/2 price whiskey ginger ales or some weird shit like that. I was treated to the following review.
What a lovely place to go to after a hard day at work.
I enjoyed
the happy hour and had Chardonnay while I talked to and go to know the
wonderful bartenders there. Kudos to Lindsay, Brody, Andrew, Mark, and
that fine ass Daniel for keeping me good company and wonderful customer
service. Also, thank you Joel, for your wonderful leadership.
When
it comes to the nightlife, it's WONDERFUL. So many gorgeous people
(men and women) both. Nice vibes, great music, and just good times.
Gentlemen, you must wear pants after dinner...even though I slipped up
in shorts once ;-) I might have to dress up in drag to show my legs now.
Haha.
Enjoy the wonderful ambiance and the setting located in the heart of 3rd Street.
Cheers
x
J.T. Chestnut
What. The. Fuck.
OK aside from the fact that this guy cannot write for shit and used the adjective "wonderful" 6 times in 2 paragraphs, this entire diatribe revolves around the fact that he is super gay and wants to show Daniel his penis. That's fine, I'm down with the gays, ya I still call my friends fags once in a while but I'm conscious of the fact that it's wrong. That said, JT didn't tell me shit about this place. Attractive people and the existence of a happy hour, ok but what is it? Can I get a half price bottle of wine Crazy Horse style? Do they serve nachos extra late if I am drunk and hungry...and how the fuck did you manage to acquire the names of six employees AND the hierarchy of their positions? Did you walk in and interview each staffer? Were you trying to use your charm for some free drinks? Or were you just trying to get Brody, Andrew, Mark and Joel to put in a good word for you with Daniel? JT, you failed me.
Next we have Bobby from West Hollywood. Let's see what he thinks about the Churchill.
If you frequently use the term "hot spot" and dress like a 15 year old
hipster and tuck your boots into your pants, wear a fedora with a
mustache, and go to all the SBE clubs, then this is definitely your
place.
But if you're not a dushbag, or you're classy, then you will not enjoy it here.
Bobby must have not had quite the experience JT had. And either Bobby is using a creative spelling to get around some sort of content sensor or there is some sort of new insult called the dushbag that I must immediately research.
This review is also trash, not because I despise his sophomoric attempt at trolling the bar, but again because he has told me nothing. If I go to Mystudio and Eden (Hollywood sbe clubs, stereotypical LA) I will enjoy partying in this Beverly Hills adjacent hotel bar? Why? What's the correlation, they don't even play music at Churchill. Did you go out and get a girl scooped from you after you had spent $200 on her already that night. I agree that's the worst, but by no means is taking to Yelp with a personal vendetta going to give you the catharsis you so desperately seek.
Let's see what Jasmine thought about Churchill.
I came here randomly one night because my friend lives literally around
the block (lucky bastard) and he had just moved in and not explored the
area much yet. To live so close to so many good food places...AND
Magnolia Bakery right across the street....I am envious beyond belief
haha. Anyway, we literally walked around the block because we were
hungry and decided this place was happening and got ourselves seated
quite easily.
The Churchill has very cool architecture and design
to it. Sleek and sheik and slightly modern yet rustic, the place looks
like a pretty nice place to hang out at the bar. They have a nice patio
outside with a fire pit and an upstairs area as well. Dimly lit inside,
it could be construed as romantic. I probably wouldn't mind coming here
to chill, but the food was just okay.
We ordered the duck confit
pizza, which was unique. Thin crust and crispy with argula sprinkled on
top with duck pieces--though the duck flavor wasn't very strong. I
thought it was good, but it didn't blow my mind. It was a pretty big
pizza, though, so you can definitely share this. We also ordered a
Churchill burger, which was also generous in size. It was good as well,
but at the end of the day, it's just a burger. I probably wouldn't be
craving it.
Service wasn't great, but I think it's because they
get soo busy and crowded. And it's pretty loud inside so it gets a
little hard to hear the person across the table from you. All in all, I
might give this place another try if I'm in the area again...but I think
I'd rather eat somewhere else first.
Jasmine has at least given us a solid effort. But there are a few things she needs to learn, I don't give a fuck why you went...I'm not going to take your foodie advice as scripture, though I'm glad the duck wasn't ducky enough for your liking. Also, keep it under 100 words. I'm trying to read several reviews to get a good temperature on the place in addition to the requisite three stars is has received overall.
I guess what I really want is some bare facts. I don't want people telling me "unless you are a frat boy and like to pick off incoherent girls, avoid." Maybe that's right up my alley. I don't need your audition piece that you sent to LA Restaurants Monthly, I just want your elevator pitch on this place.
I went to Churchill and spent about $70 in three hours. Happy hour is half off wine ($12 a glass to $6 a glass,) ends at 7. Cool spot to "get a drink" or a late dinner not as great for going out. Food looked good but, whatever. If you are trying to impress a girl on a first date this could work, if you are trying to get loaded and find a single girl to take home and fuck, I would try elsewhere.
See that up there? That's exactly what I want. Perhaps BroBible needs a new bar review section for people like me. People that want to know, can I wear flip flops, is this restaurant byob? Can I get drunk and still pay rent next week? Is that girl really into me or is she a prostitute? You know, just a few of the essentials. I love you Yelp but until you can control the wannabe freak shows responsible for your content I think we may need to take a break.
Now friends, find out which bar had the review about frat guys wanting to take advantage of blacked out undergrads and enjoy your weekend.
No comments:
Post a Comment