Valentine's Jackpot

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a submission to a new media outlet. No idea if it's going to be published or not, but if so, I'm sure heavily edited. This is the director's cut if you will. Enjoy, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Right now you may be feeling lonely. Just another Hallmark holiday inspired by some guy in prison who wrote letters. You know who else wrote letters from prison? Tupac, yet for whatever reason July 7^th has yet to be met with any sort of reverence, just the tail end of the Independence Day weekend Hangover. For shame.

But I’m here to tell you right now that by being single for Valentine’s Day, you have actually hit the jackpot. I’m here to cheer you up and bring you up to speed on why being single on Valentines Day is awesome.

First there is that gift you won’t have to buy. In years past when I had a significant other I usually went the teddy bear route, or perhaps a box of chocolates. I’m not sure that shit plays when you are 25. I think they start wanting something shiny from some guy named Jared or Andrew or Shane or Kay. I’m not even going to do a Google search to find out the shit they are pawning off on us this year. I’m sure it’s some tiny diamond on a 10 karat gold chain that will make this the “most memorable Valentine’s Day ever.”  Well we can forget about that, that’s $200 that we will never throw at some chick that we will inevitably break up with. But that brings up an interesting quandary. What will we do with that $200 instead? Yep I think it’s time to spoil ourselves a little and spend that money on us. A few quick suggestions if I may…

1.     Bathroom television. LCD/LED tvs are so cheap right now. I’m fairly certain we could get ourselves a nice little 20 inch flat screen for those times that we just don’t want to stop playing Temple Run and get off the pot. There is nothing more stressful than rushing a number 2 because you are afraid of missing some integral plot point in a movie or a crucial play in the game. And ya, we can pause live TV now, but what if you have a group of people over and you want to pause it. No one likes to be on the clock in one of their most intimate moments. Conversely, if you come home and are craving a shower before bed, if you angle the TV just right and you happen to be a Cinemax subscriber, well nevermind.

2.     The ingredients to a potato cannon. I understand this may seem a little juvenile. But follow my logic here. PVC pipe, some wiring, butane, a buzz saw, a sack of potatoes and a fifth of Jack Daniels probably come freakishly close to $200 total. Fix that thing up and terrorize the town, maybe put out the window of a cheating ex or just fuck shit up for the fun of it. You may be wondering where the Jack Daniels comes in. In my experience whiskey always enhances the process of building and/or destroying things…in this case both.

3.     A bottle. This may be the most logical of the choices and will segue perfectly into my next point but instead of an expensive dinner and some arbitrary piece of jewelry spent on a significant other, why not team up with a few pals, lord over a table at a trendy bar and feed shots to a few women who are just as lonely as you. This could still have a happy ending.

The thing is, everyone has had heartbreak. Everyone has had a failed relationship and there is some girl out there that makes you physically ill at the thought of her with another guy. So you can be a whiny little bitch on Valentine’s Day and use your tears as lubrication as you masturbate to the memories or you can pay it forward and make some other guy physically ill by taking down his ex on Valentine’s Day. Seriously, you are doing all parties involved a favor. You’re providing companionship to a member of the opposite sex, you’re building your own self-confidence and everyone is moving towards a more relevant interpretation of what this joke of a holiday is really about.

Some call it singles night, some call it a romantic holiday, in all actuality it is an excuse to get hammered on a Tuesday, nothing more nothing less. Whether you choose to get a big single group together and do a fun drinking dinner, go out and try to crush it with your boys or stay in with a bottle of merlot watching Glee, nothing will change in the morning. Except maybe you will get paid (which would recoup some of your losses from a late night at the strip club.) Maybe you’ll kick a random out of bed and have a good story for the break room, but even your coworkers will be sick of that tale by noon. The overarching point here is don’t get too worked up about it. Unless you look like the elephant man you could have love in your life if you really wanted it. Hell even if you look like the elephant man, there is an elephant woman out there looking for you. You’re single because you decided it was better to have a toilet TV than to buy a pair of those stupid channel earrings that everyone already has anyway.

Stand up for it. Own your loneliness. Your counterpart is out there right now. She’s wearing her most expensive dress and heels. She just wants someone to tell her she’s pretty tonight. She doesn’t want anything long term either. She could perfectly well have a boyfriend but decided it was too much work “checking in” on a girls trip to Vegas. But tonight is just a Tuesday night where you invite her to your table and exchange the right smile…a match made by cupid himself.