Is the Christmas Movie Dead?

SNL Black Annie > Annie Remake

A couple weeks ago I was at a club and had the following internal monologue:

Why did I agree to come here? Who is this fucking guy that bought the table? Oh him...I don't think he really likes me. He views me as a threat. God dammit...I'm totally fringe guy at this table. I'm orbiting it, like a fucking moon. No one is happy I'm here. I am merely tolerated. This blows. I suppose I could pour myself a drink from the bottle. But people will roll their eyes, it's for the chicks man. Ya dude...I fucking get it. Oh Christ, now I'm doing that thing where I nod my head in the general area as a girl like I'm thinking about maybe dancing with her...but I won't make a move because I'm a pussy. Oh, what do I care, she's a fucking bottle rat. Then again, she looks like she's been here before. She has identified me as fringe guy on this bottle. Dancing with me WILL NOT lead to copious drinks for her and her friends. She's probably 22 and thinks I'm old and a loser. I bet she has no idea how fucking cool I was when I was 22. I had a massive day party and I had sex during it...during fucking parents weekend. Parents came to my party and saw me having sex upstairs through a window because I didn't draw the shades because I gave zero fucks. I got multiple high fives at the bar that night. Stop. I'm doing that glory days bullshit now. Ok maybe I'll just put this PBR headband on and I'll look younger. It's harder to tell with guys. And maybe if I pull out my iPhone 6 she will assume I have money and talk to me...make sure she can tell it's an iPhone 6, I wonder if this bar has Apple Pay, that shit will blow her mind. I should have stayed in and watched Netflix, I bet they have some good Christmas movies.

Since that night I have had plenty of time to lay on the couch and watch Netflix. Unfortunately my internal monologues have been a bit less interesting.

I'll be Home for Christmas starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yes, please! Holy shit he was short. Did they just make a beeper joke? My God, Jessica Biel has looked 24 and perfect for the past 20 years. How old was she in this...16? Jesus. Does it make me weird that I prefer her at 16? I think I should get a waiver, because when she was 16, I was 11. Executive order. NOT WEIRD. There is a nostalgia factor. The same goes for early Britney Spears videos. I wonder what happens to the 16 year old dudes that get naked snaps of a chick that is also 16. If he still has them on his iCloud or something in 3 years is he a sexual predator? Imagine being the guy that takes a piss during a tailgate and gets hit with public indecency charge. That's way worse than a DUI. Why isn't Home Alone 2 on Netflix? I think it's better than the first, I think if I said this out loud all my Winnetka friends would have a stroke.

Alas, I suppose I have some pretty fucked up thoughts, but that last question stayed on my mind for a while. Why isn't Home Alone 2 on Netflix...or any Home Alone for that matter. I would settle for 3, 4 or even 5! Why yes, there was a Home Alone 4 and 5. They were TV movies that aired on ABC Family.

But there is also no Christmas Vacation. No Elf. No The Santa Clause.

What about the classics? The Grinch (not the Jim Carrey) Rudolph and his adventures with the gay elf dentist. Or the one with the fire meiser and the ice meiser. (tots underrated btw)
This is unacceptable. I was on the cusp of calling Netflix customer service when I found Love Actually, this granted them a temporary stay of execution.

Grantland did a piece about how the PG movie is dead. I'm inclined to agree.
Just look at the movies being released on Christmas the past couple of years. Last year's Wolf of Wall Street, a movie about how awesome cocaine is...and this year's The Interview, a movie in which James Franco and Seth Rogen blow off Him Jung Un's head with a rocket launcher. (I intentionally fucked up the name, not trying to get hacked yo)

Another potential theory is that the internet generation has ruined everything.

I don't know if I buy this argument, but in the early 90's there was no internet for the most part. If
Home Alone came out today there would be a thousand different think pieces written about it. Why doesn't Home Alone pass the Bechdel test? (Because it's about a 7 year old kid protecting his house from two bad guys) Why aren't there any minorities represented? (Because there is nothing but rich white people living in Kenilworth, IL) Can we set the movie in a mixed neighborhood like Culver City, CA? (No, poor neighborhoods have less Christmas magic than rich ones) Why isn't the idea of a romantic relationship between Harry and Marv explored? (Because it's about a 7 year old kid protecting his house from two bad guys...but they do go to prison at the end, so maybe there is butt sex!) Will Buzz's girlfriend grow up to have body image issues? (It was actually the set designer's son in a wig...don't worry) Is the violent booby trap sub plot an allegory for the Stand Your Ground Law? (Oh, go fuck yourself)

So maybe if there are no NEW Christmas movies being made, we can assume that all of the classics have already signed exclusive contracts with other broadcast partners. (Elf and A Christmas Story are pretty solid staples on TBS...It's a Wonderful Life typically airs on Christmas Eve. AMC has the Home Alones) or maybe Netflix CEO Reed Hastings is a dickhead atheist or only got coal for Christmas. He's from Boston, that seems like a place where a dad would spend his Christmas bonus on booze instead of gifts for his children. Or maybe Netflix just doesn't give a shit about Christmas movies, because my faux outrage about their selection probably won't get me to cancel my membership. Or maybe they blew all of their Christmas money on their dog shit Game of Thrones clone.

Whatever the case, I'm thankful that the 90's did exist and gave us some Christmas Classics that do exist. And if I just have to watch Love Actually on repeat until December 25th...well there would be worse punishments.

In closing a quick story and a couple fun links.
The summer after I graduated I spent half of the summer in Los Angeles and a few weeks in New York. While I was in LA, I was white collar homeless the whole time. White collar homeless is basically crashing on a series of couches, fraternity floors and hostels while you use all of your money for drugs and alcohol...actually real homeless people do that second part too, we're not that different! I slept in a couple cars and even on the beach one night. After LA when I got to New York, I lived on a mattress in a frat live out at Hofstra with a drug dealer that owned multiple guns.

None of this bothered me.

However, on my last night in NYC, minutes after being stopped by the NYPD and told to finish our brown bagged Four Lokos quickly and go home (legit they stopped us and didn't even make us pour them out...quick someone tell the protesters) my buddy suggested we go find some benches in Central Park and pass out. It was the only time I said 'no' that entire summer. And it was because of this scene that still scares the shit out of me...

a little set up...Kevin has just been harassed by a crackhead, jeered at by two 50+ year old hookers cracked out on meth so he seeks solace in a cab adjacent to Central park.

GAHHHH!!! He has one fucking eye! How can you drive with one fucking eye, a CAB no less? Don't they need like a special license? To make matters worse, then Kevin fleas into the park and finds scary bird lady, who turns out to be cool, but we don't know this at the time.

Conclusion? Fuck Central Park.

For more fun articles on Christmas movies, here is a list of the traps from Home Alone 2 and the medical damage they would have caused, and here is a conspiracy theory that Kevin grew up to be Jigsaw. It is compelling.