I'm in Chicago right now. In fact I'm laying on a pull out bed under a ten pound duvet in the middle of Old Town. If ever given the opportunity to stay with girls, my God, stay with girls. I feel like a Prince in the middle of the most luxurious slumber party ever. Anyway, last night I was having a few pints at Corcoran's on Wells and I came to a horrifying realization...more on that soon.
In high school, all guys talked about was hooking up with chicks, except 90% of it was bullshit. Unless you had a friend that had been dating someone for 6 months + there was no chance he was getting laid. But everyone lied about it. Everyone had a mystery girl on Spring Break that "domed them up in the hot tub" or something to that effect. In all actuality, whenever I went on Spring Break with my family in high school I would sit alone in the hot tub on the off chance a mystery girl would show up and be like "Hey, I'm here to dome you up...and I also brought Fireball. I know it's 2003 but this is a fantasy!"
Nevertheless I always left the hot tub with pruney skin and broken dreams. This is what I imagine the standard high school experience is...but then again I went to a Catholic school where it was rumored that girls would strictly have anal sex to stay virgins in the eyes of the church, so what do I know...
Once college came around, there were more frank discussions about sex and women in the frat house. This probably peaked Freshman year, because for the first time, a lot of people are having fairly regular sleepovers with multiple partners. I remember I would come back to my floor on a Sunday and get the standard vile questions... "You hit the railyard?"(Did you have sex) "Were you drunk?" "Did you make it a sober ten" (Did you last ten minutes?) Did you strap up? (Was there a condom involved?) Etc.
Of course these events were largely exaggerated. A 5 minute missionary performance would turn into an epic fuckathon in the Co-Ed showers, with explicit play by play. "Like so there is no ledge so you literally have to pick her up or bend her all the way over..." It's disgusting to think about sharing these details now, but I suppose since it was SO over the top, it's a little funny.
Later on in college there might be questions like...so did you hook up with so and so? This was followed by a yes or no answer. Unless it was particularly scandalous (girl has a boyfriend in another frat...this is your 4th girl in the same pledge class) it was over. There was a nod of approval and then a new conversation. At this point the feat was less about the physical nature of said sexual encounter, but about the status. Oh you hooked up with a Pi Phi? Nice. Typically these were held in the lunch room at the house, amidst retellings of who was the most drunk the night prior.
Fast forward to now...obviously in your mid to late 20's there are much fewer one night stands. A lot of my friends are in long term relationships. I would never in a million years ask someone in a long term relationship about their sex life. I don't even think I would bat an eye if a strange girl left my single roommate's room in the morning. There just comes a point where that shit is private...
OR SO I THOUGHT.
This week there was a highly publicized hacking on Sony Pictures Entertainment. The new James Bond script leaked, a bunch of personal information of employees was compromised and most notably The Interview, the movie where James Franco and Seth Rogen assassinate Kim Jong Un, has been pulled. Yes Sony has cancelled the release of a movie they spent 50 million dollars to make and probably another 50 million dollars to market...because they are afraid of a bunch of short Asians with no sense of humor.
(Say what you will about the responsibility of Sony to either protect potential movie goers and/or the responsibility to stand up to a bully. I think there was probably a very remote chance that a theatre would have been attacked and that would have likely launched us into World War 3. So maybe this is a good thing, but I know that once I get my hands on a screener for The Interview, I am going to show it at my house and brag about it on social media, because North Koreans probably aren't in the top 10 of foreign races that scare me.)
But long before the Sony hack, there was a far more personal leak. A corruption of information that all of the men in the world hold dear. Yes boys, I'm afraid it's true. Women are gossiping about your sex life.
It's a fact. If you have ever had sex with a female, her entire social circle knows the length and curvature of your penis, exactly how long it takes you to become aroused and the mean length of time it takes you to orgasm.
...and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Do you play "mood music?" Which song? Do you start off with a sensual massage? As it turns out, I don't know anything about your routine. But you know who does? Every hetero female and their gay best friends. In fact, if you have performed, said routine with multiple women in the same social circle, they know about that to...because they have corroborated tales and had many a laugh at your expense.
Now tell me which is a more severe invasion of privacy...finding out that Seth Rogen makes 1 million dollars a week doing rewrites or that he can only become aroused by watching anime porn and having a single digit tease his anus. Far be it for that to be true, but if ANY of you has a strange little fetish like that? They know. They all know. Have you ever been hooking up with a girl and she started laughing uncontrollably for no apparent reason? It's probably because she saw that cunnilingus joke coming a mile away. You used it on her friend three years ago, they've been mocking you for three years...and this chick just experienced it first hand.
Your favorite position, the dirty shit you say in bed...NONE of this stays behind closed doors. Please North Korea, take my social security number, but DO NOT tell anyone that I require a back scratch and a bed time story post coitus.
Apparently it all boils down to a deep physical/emotional/sexual connection for women. While to the average male it may be viewed as a few dozen pumps and release, it is much more profound, intimate topic for women. Last night at dinner the topic came up. Stories about friends in unhealthy relationships, visits to sex counselors and lots and lots of amateur therapy.
On one hand, I get it. When a woman considers the long term ramifications of a relationship, several factors are involved. Can my family love this man, can he be a good father, can he provide for our family, will he keep me sexually satisfied are very important questions that need to be pondered when planning a future.
I just don't know how I feel about the unintentional consequences of that shared information. It's funny as you grow older how the conversation flips. Sure we are all adults, it's just sex, we should be mature and talk about it...but somehow I now have the icky feeling of a prude girl thinking about the concept of a blowjob. EW, GROSS, STOP...just put in Frozen or something.
I think about my best friends and what we talk about. I mostly get excited about planning fun trips, dinners, activities...but I suppose when you get down to the meat and bones, I'm not sharing my feelings, hopes or dreams (outside of...man one day when I'm rich) and perhaps that's how I am programmed specifically. BUT, I know for sure, that I'm not calling friends and saying things like "I'm concerned about the sexual health of my current relationship. She just kind of like lays there and you know she like is morally opposed to doggy style these days, and we just haven't had a great rhythm as of late." I guess I just imagined that it kinda is what it is, you just found the best possible package of life partner and if she lacked in that department, you dealt with it.
Meanwhile, there are swirling emails leaked by the North Korean hackers ripping apart studio execs, actors, writers, Aaron Sorkin may or may not be broke and sleeping with an intern, the third act of SPECTRE sucks...but in the grand scheme of things, is it that big of a deal? So some junior exec sent a snarky email about a producer's fat wife. Is that as damaging as Lana Del Rey telling all of her besties that James Franco cries after sex...every time.
I suppose it comes down to threshold of personal shame. The Sony hack has set a lot of people back professionally at least for the time being. But man...if word gets out that you cry after sex...all the time. What if your dream girl catches word of this and she never goes on that first date with you because, SHE CAN'T EVEN. HE CRIES IN BED. And I don't think it is all mean spirited, I think it actually comes from a good place. If you are trying to improve your relationship by leaning on good friends, that's a mature decision. But you know that after a few glasses of red wine, you'll be more inclined to blurt out JOHN LIKES TO GET SPANKED!
Let's get one last thing straight. Men are pigs. We deserve this. We had it coming for the deplorable behavior of high school, college and early 20's. The pursuit of chivalry is like a 50 year battle after the age of 25 to make reparations for the way females are treated in that 7 year run 18-25. I am not condemning these behaviors, just moreso pointing them out...and if we're going to freak out about a major studio being infiltrated by a nefarious outsider, shouldn't we also bring attention to the war at home.
Because honestly if you try some weird ass shit in bed with your girlfriend tonight? Her roommate will know by noon tomorrow...and if two years from now you're dating a girl that lives down the street from your ex and you ask for a footjob...she totally saw it coming.
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