I grew up going to church most Sundays and then always doing Youth Group that night. Youth group was basically a thing for teens on Sunday nights where you would eat dinner and then just kinda hang out. Good wholesome fun. Sometimes we would do a canned food drive, others we would just go play mini-golf. Youth Group was the shit because it was one last thing on the weekend agenda before you had to return to school the next day. There were two major events every year...the youth takeover was a service the kids would put on when the minister was out of town, and we also had a winter lock-in.
In 6th grade I was far from the social elite at Belzer Middle School, but I was certainly starting five at the Geist Christian Church youth group. I had written and directed a series of skits for the youth takeover the previous summer drawing metaphors to faith. I even orchestrated a wrap party for the youth group afterward. We had unlimited pizza SO many 2 liters of Coke and someone even brought a Nintendo 64 and Mario Kart. To this day it's probably the best wrap party I've ever been to. In fact I'll take a moment now to dispel some rumors.
The Hollywood wrap party is a myth. It was the thing I was most excited about when I moved to LA, but it's typically just an open bar with a bunch of old people and their wives/husbands/domestic partners/kids and you have to pretend to that you're thrilled to see everyone. Even the elusive Saturday Night Live after parties are pretty watered down. I had a friend go a few weeks ago, and from what I can recall, it was just at a fucking restaurant. Each cast member had a table with unlimited food and drink...but that was it. I had visions of a 100,000 square foot post-modern condo in Manhattan with several dozen pounds of cocaine. Everyone taking body shots off of hookers and ice luges with liquid heroin. If that's not the wrap party awaiting me, I'm not even sure I want to be famous anymore...but I digress.
So the lock-in. There was this youth group chick that was getting a reputation for making out with a lot of dudes. I was 13. I had not kissed a girl yet. Someone told me that this girl "thought I was hot" so I decided I would go for it the night of the youth group lock-in. Sometime after the Secret Santa gift exchange I was going to ask this girl to "take a walk" and then I would have dropped some slick line and we would have found an abandoned closet and I totes would have gotten to second base. But for whatever reason, my secret santa gift that night was a giant bag of candy. I ate the whole thing, got violently ill, threw up everywhere and had to go home. A couple weeks later that girl moved away and I never kissed her or touched her boobs. Of course this behavior would have been SO scandalous. We were good churchgoing kids. NO SINNING!
But a funny thing happened, as I got older I stopped going to youth group. I was too cool. But I would see some of the kids out. They would be drinking, smoking, maybe using drugs. There were a handful having premarital sex, hell, I bet there was even an abortion in there. They were just normal kids, living their lives. Looking back on it, a few of those chicks turned out to be smoking hot. I blew it. Never should have quit youth group. Should have done plays in high school.
Fast forward to now, I'm sitting in church on Christmas Eve. I'm looking to see if any chicks are here, you know the youth group girls that turned out hot. Slim pickings. My brother is singing the hymns in the style of Bob Dylan. "Ohhhh Silent Night. Yaaaaa Holy Niiiiiight" He also uses his program to make random lists, tonight he is seeing how many Mortal Kombat characters he can name. I just choked on the grape juice and he whispered in my ear. "Choking on the blood of Christ??? You heathon!" And maybe I am because right before coming here I was sitting on the couch watching SNL, trying to decide which member of 1D would be the best lay. The blonde one is probably the most attractive but I also kinda like the tatted up dude that looks like Adnan from Serial. Then again, Harry Styles would make me eskimo bros with Taylor Swift. Remember that old adage that every time you have unprotected sex with someone you have sex with ALL of their old partners? I think it was supposed to mean figuratively, in regards to STDs and what not...I imagine Harry has been around. Would you have sex with Harry Styles once if your reward was to then get to have sex with every chick he had ever banged? I bet he's even fucked some awesome dudes. British people just don't care.
It's no secret I've been bored this week in Indy. It's cold, I've been sleeping until noon and then coming downstairs to watch movies all day while I dress my cats in Christmas outfits (spoiler alert...they hate it) I even went out one night thinking 'hey, I'll go get hammered with some buddies and maybe bang an ex-girlfriend' but it's difficult to even do that anymore. Everyone is married and it rains a lot. So for the most part, I've been laying on a couch dreaming of 12 dollar kale salads and a juice bar. My mom's car is in the shop and my dad works, so I have been riding an old bike to Walgreens to get bourbon to make it through the Holidays. I've been sneaking it as not to raise concern from my parents. I've been cooking, I read two books, I haven't put on pants in 2 days and I have to be honest...
I fucking love it. There is a fundamental greatness to doing nothing. This whole week, no FOMO, no guilt. I wake up it's sleeting out and there is no car. Do you know how fantastic it is to say NOPE and go back to bed? No pressure to get out and go for a run? Au contraire, I can watch 8 hours of kung fu movies (Ip Man, The Raid 2, The Man of Tai Chi) and demand that my mom bring home Velveeta and Rotel so I can make queso dip. It's like magic. Dad, let's go to the IU game. Mom, dinner at Bakersfield on Mass Ave. Kevin, go get the cats Santa outfits. People are so eager to please a visiting family member. I looked on at everyone's Instagram and felt sorry for them. Oh man, you're in Aruba? That must be rough. If you sleep past 7am you'll feel like you are wasting your trip, and I bet you don't have a parent to go Grocery shopping for you while you lay in bed watching Love, Actually for the 781st time.
I don't think I've ever had a more relaxing week in my life. Christmas came and went, I got all the stuff I asked for (lift tickets and lots of fun socks) and now I'm back in LA and in 12 hours I'm going to Tahoe to rage my face off for 5 days. It was the week of nothing I needed, the week off I deserved. There is the rom com version of going home, where I would have reconnected with an old classmate and we would have gone ice skating and lived happily ever after...and there is the real world trip home, where I outlined this blog post on a note card during Christmas Eve service.
I've been critical of Indy and the midwest in general over the years, but I think I get it now. It's nice to slow things down. I bet those minor league hockey games kick ass, and it probably doesn't cost $200 to go. The hottest bar/restaurant in the city has 2 dollar PBRs or Dogfish 90 if you're feeling adventurous. People smile in the midwest. They decorate their homes for the holidays. They meet your eye and wish you a Happy Holiday and actually mean it. For the people that decided to couple off and hibernate during winters and take fun couply trips...I salute you. I chose a different path. In fact, it is conceivable that had I stayed in Youth Group all those years ago, maybe I would have found a nice wholesome girl to settle down with. Maybe we would be thinking about kids or a mortgage. But I went a different way. This is an exciting life. It's hot here. Always. And sunny. And you can go see a Haim concert on a Tuesday. For free if you know the right person. I went to the beach today, had I still been in Indy I probably would have watched Elf twice.
Both are fantastic ways to spend a Saturday. And that's how I know Indy will always have a place in my heart. Plus, my sweater game used to be ON POINT. I severely miss winter wardrobe. But I'm here to stay LA. A week in the midwest brings me back to Earth once in a while, evens me out. It's important to go to Nick's and get a 5 pound French Dip and 4000 calories of french fries to remember where you come from.
Now as I look to Tahoe and pray for snow, it's time to embrace that other half of me. I'm coming for ya Skrilly, don't disappoint.
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