Monday, June 1, 2015

OH WHAT A LOVELY DAY


"You brought a drone?" Asks my friend Kevin.

Ya, why not. Fuck it. I also brought a potato cannon, my golf clubs and this frisbee. Oh and I got some squirt guns and a Four Loko at a Target back in Redlands.

"Wow, you really are a 12 year old."

At this point there is some yelling from the kitchen. Why are all of the boys sitting around drinking while the girls work on lunch? (It's as if they don't understand gender roles)

Yo I'll go grab the drone from the car, you start the grill.

He gets up to do so.

But there is something this person does not know about that Target back in Redlands. Directly under the Four Loko, was something even more sinister...

"God Dammit!"

Staring up at him from the grill is a 22 oz bottle of Watermelon Mimosa flavored Smirnoff Ice.

And that my friends, is how you fire off a weekend in Palm Springs.

***

A few years ago we discovered that if you can get a group of about 8 people together, you can go to Palm Springs for next to nothing. (Next to nothing in spoiled Millenial speak is roughly $200 plus expenses for the weekend) That $ will get you typically a 4 bedroom house with a pool, hot tub and a bad ass outdoor party area. A little more you can get a tennis court. A lot more you can get a lazy river that acts as a moat. The following will be your guide to dominating Palm Springs on a long weekend, but we know I'm typically an unreliable narrator, so please take this all with a grain of salt.

1. DO NOT leave on a Friday.
Don't even fucking think about it. (Unless it's a long weekend when you have Friday off, then don't leave on Thursday) I know what you're thinking...3 nights of partying instead of 2. It sounds good in theory right? In practice, the two hour drive turns into 6. It doesn't matter that you think you're ducking out of work early, you will not beat traffic. There are about a million gay guys heading there this weekend and they are more successful than you and left work earlier. YOU WILL LOSE THIS TRAFFIC GAME. Also the 3rd day of partying is the day you crash and burn. Better to stay in and go to a movie on Friday night and then get up early Saturday morning, bringing me to my next point.

2. STAY IN the night before.
Or you know, party lightly. I pretty much qualify staying in as any night that you don't do hard drugs or black out, thus going to the Landmark, ordering a 750 ML Fin du Monde (for $11!!!!) and watching Mad Max totally counts as staying in. It also gave us a battle cry for the entire weekend and a name for this blog post. Oh and if you rock a FitBit totally wear it to this movie, I'm pretty sure my heart rate was above 140 the entire time. (More on the FitBit later)

3. BRING TOYS
We brought a potato gun, a drone, a Go Pro, a bunch of squirt guns, cards, and a frisbee. Someone crashed the drone and broke it and the Go Pro drowned...but squirt guns are fun as shit and frisbees make surprisingly good trays to snort Adderall XR out of.

4. SAFETY FIRST
On a trip in which you are aggressively taking shots at 7am, mistakes are bound to happen. Perhaps you try to throw one of your friends in the pool and she slips and rips her knee open. I'm not saying that EXACT scenario happened, but I'm saying that there was a point in which I had to use one of my Hawaiian shirts as a tourniquet.

5. BRING BACK THE ICE
I'm just letting you all know...no one is safe. None of you. This is the summer of Smirnoff. I buy into the long con. I may visit your house for a seemingly innocent reason. "Let's watch Game of Thrones." Secretly I'm going into your activity closet, finding your snowboard bag, and planting a grenade that you will find in 6 months. Opening up the bag at 7am for first tracks? Take a knee bitch, love Dave.

6. PLAY GOLF
I am terrible at golf, but there is no denying that hitting the links in Palm Springs is a god dam rite of passage. The three inevitabilities of Palm Springs: Golf, Gays and heat. You need to indulge in all three. Plus the golf course is a wonderful place to get loaded. On the first 9 holes I was playing bogey, bogey and a half golf. By the back 9 I was openly trying to pit maneuver the other cart and routinely putting up snowmen (8) on par 3's. Plus it's an excuse to get away from the women for a few hours. Nothing makes you feel like a man like sending the women antique shopping whilst you go bro out with a case of bud heavy and cigars.

7. COOK A FEAST
Your Palm Springs house will have a pool, it will have a hot tub and it will have a dope grill and a nice outdoor dinner table. USE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. Grill steaks, make sides, enjoy cocktails whilst you cook. Grilling is fun. Grilling is American. You can party in the pool while you're waiting for the food to be prepared. Grilling is always dope, but when you're in a 2 million dollar palace in the desert with 10 of your best friends, it's maybe the greatest thing in the world.

8. ALWAYS INVOLVE THE ACE
I will openly admit I blacked out both nights in Palm Springs over MDW. I am nearly certain I smoked a pack of cigarettes, almost positive I charged hundreds of dollars of shots on my corporate card and it's entirely possible that I gave my number out to a few gay guys. The Ace Hotel is amazing. It's like if a trashy version of Bungalow and The Roosevelt had a baby and added men that wanted to take me home. I'm pretty sure I jumped in the pool.

Actually I'm pretty sure I jumped in the pool at Waterloo in the Bahamas, the Roosevelt Pool and the Ace. It's just my thing. When I'm striking out with chicks (or dudes) I just jump into the pool and expect someone to freak out. Oddly they never do.

8a. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD as skinny feels
The Sunday we were in Palm Springs I was wearing my Fitbit and burned 9000 calories by doing nothing but party. I now understand how I am able to eat and drink like a complete degenerate and still say relatively fit. Let's bust out a little math.

Let's estimate that I had 30 beers Sunday. This is probably a little high, but whatever. At 100 per can, that's 3000 calories. Let's say I had 10 shots of fireball at 108 per. That's 1080.
3000 + 1080 = 4080.

I believe we grilled tacos that night. According to a crude Google search there are 156 calories in a standard taco. But I like big tacos, let's round up to 200. I probably had 3, let's call it 5. That's another 1,000 calories. We're now at 5080 calories consumed.

How many calories in a Smirnoff Ice? 256...256??? 2.5x a coors light. Let's say I got iced three times and maybe drank half of one just for kicks. Call it a thousand...

6080.

Oh there was also a giant tub of flavor blasted goldfish that I ate at least half of. 140 calories per serving...28 servings per box. (*.5) = 14 *140...call it another 2,000.

8,080...9000 > 8080

So even if we take the highest most ludicrous estimates of my consumption that day, I'm still walking ahead WELL below net zero. Do you know how skinny you bitches can get if you burn 1000 more calories than you eat every day?

NEW LA FAD DIET...it's called fucking raging.

9. THE HOT TUB has no curfew
The Ace will close at 2. They will send you home. An older gay man or a cougar will invite you up to their hotel room to "listen to music." I advise against that. Go home. There is beer in that fridge. You know the people that went back early? They did that so they could have loud sex without worrying about waking up the rest of the house. They're done now. Wake their asses up and send them to the hot tub. If you go to bed before 5am when you are on vacation with nothing to do in the morning, you are a failure.

10. BUT WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?
Oh you didn't know? One of the best parts of Palm Springs is that you go there to literally do nothing. There are no fresh tracks to get in the morning. No wake boarding to be done before the lake gets crowded. Sure you can golf, once. There is a gondola. I hear the hikes are adequate. We passed some ATV rentals on the way in. But you can also sit around and do whatever the fuck you want. Palm Springs houses are the lake houses for LA people. But LA people typically work 60-80 hours a week, so they drive to the desert to relax. My version of relaxing involves taking shots of Fireball with breakfast, if you prefer to lay out and read a magazine, hey man you do you.

Old Jewish people and middle aged gay men have figured it out. Palm Springs is the shit. Follow those ten simple rules, acquire a few friends, and you too can have a good time in Riverside County.


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