The Perks of Being a Douchebag

Douchebags are hygienic products, I take that as a compliment.

"Ok everyone it's your favorite part of the night. Let's get some free shots going!"

This is not my favorite part of going to pub trivia mostly because the categories for this round are usually bullshit that appeal to the fat 30somethings around me. 'Famous Star Trek characters' 'Classic tv theme songs from the 50's!' But it's usually for the best, because this is typically the point in the night where a DUI goes from unlikely to a very real possibility.

No, I never win the free shots round, if I'm feeling saucy, I'll buy my own thanks. I prefer the catharsis of winning the game when I correctly double down on the top 10 grossing Vin Diesel movies. Yes, I remembered The Pacifier.

"Tonight we're going to try something new. I want you to come up here and do something, ANYTHING that you don't think anyone else can do. Last team standing gets free drinks!!!"

Oh! Well this is interesting, no mandatory knowledge of Klingon or a subplot of I Love Lucy. I can probably beat these former high school punching bags in almost anything, so what should I do...

A girl goes to the stage and does the splits. It's moderately impressive. I'm sure I can do something better.

Someone does a standing back flip, but doesn't quite stick the landing. The Russian judge will dock him for that.

A girl licks her elbow, a guy dislocates his shoulder...it's really starting to look like a bit on a late night talk show.

Finally the spotlight comes to me. My team looks to be as they typically do not because I'm necessarily the best, but I typically have a plan in these situations.

"Um, I got nothing guys."

What?!

"Ya, I can't do anything...I mean maybe if the waitress brought me a beer I could chug it faster than anyone in here, but that would be hard to measure."

"Ok Stegonaut, what's your hidden talent?"

I'm starting to feel like Eminem at the beginning of 8 Mile when Papa Doc forces him to choke. Luckily one of my teammates jumps up and says the alphabet backward in about 3 seconds. It's pretty cool, we move on but ultimately lose the free drinks.

We end up losing the game but having a fun Wednesday. That's what it's all about right? Getting together with your buds on a school night to break up the week? But it stayed with me. Among all the things in the world that could have popped into my head my mind went to "chug a beer at speed."

In the coming days I thought of a few more things that I'm adequate at...

-Writing profanity laced rants (but see I use the profanity and shock as a crutch because I'm secretly not a very good writer)
-Partying (Dancing, acquiring drugs and alcohol, making girls smile, improving the mood of a room)

And that's about it.

My entire skill set is based on my ability to drink and my ability to write about said drinking. It is amazing how much of my future will be predicated on whether or not this skill turns out to be culturally relevant.

In fact I'm pretty horrible at most things. I'm terrible at relationships with both men and women. I'm dishonest and I always take the path of least resistance.

I'm an atrocious employee, here is a real conversation that happened to me last week with one of my superiors (but not one with any power)

"Hey will, you let me know when you aren't working on anything so you can help me out?"

"No, that's a conflict of interest."

"What? How so?"

"If I tell you I'm not working on anything you will ask me to help you with stuff and I would prefer to read Deadspin or work on my pilot."

I did that. Like for real, I was not kidding...and you know what? She stormed off in a huff, and nothing happened I couldn't believe it. But I knew it wouldn't. Our boss likes having me around the office for comic relief, the editors enjoy my weekend stories and even though I don't actually contribute much of anything at all, I'm probably the most popular person in my office.

Then I realized it. I am a douchebag.

I'm charming to the people that matter, I'm fun to be around, I tell witty jokes, I call people nicknames they didn't ask for or bro if I forget their name. I talk to everyone like they're 22. I'm never serious and carry myself with a very laissez faire attitude. Yep, under the blonde hair and the crooked smile it's just a lot of misplaced arrogance and not much else.

I mean look at this blog??? In a world where it is cool to care about real issues, I have essentially gone the other way. I DID DRUGS AND BANGED A CHICK LAST NIGHT; here's a nice cum shot of LIGAF!

Urban Dictionary defines a douchebag as...

"Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk or asshole, but not yet motherfucker."

That's an interesting scale, can we see it used in a sentence for context?

Rob: This guy kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldn't leave her alone.
Sam: God, what a douchebag.

Oh, ya. That's totally me. Sometimes if the girl is into it I will openly hit on her in front of her boyfriend, especially if he is short. I straight up stole a guy's Coachella date on the first night and continued to use his camp site while she moved into my tent for the next 3 nights, and there was nothing he could do about it because he was 5'2. I should probably watch it though, that might be getting into motherfucker territory (and how murder/suicides happen)

The truth is, deep down I do have a soul. I know right from wrong, and I have a general sense of how I want to treat people and how I want to be treated. But sometimes playing the heel is fun. It's nice to be the bad guy sometimes, and when people call you 'asshole' or 'douchebag' it just plays into it. Oh they must be jealous! I have something they want! It goes back to the whole frat guy/GDI thing. Ha whatever, all you douchebags pay for your friends. Sure buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night.

I don't want to be a douche. I want to be good at stuff. I want to be smart, I want to achieve my goals and dreams. I want to become a contributing member of society. My idols are not Entourage characters or sleazy investment bankers; they're writers visionaries, people that do the things that I could never dream of doing.

But for now with my current skill set, at my age, in this city, I think my peak happiness is right in the douche zone. Recklessly spend money and live in excess like the world is ending...it's low hanging fruit. I was audited by the IRS last month and instead of just paying my tax debt, I filed a 120 day extension and booked a trip to Europe, because like what if I died in a car accident in September? As I was laying there in the wreckage waiting for my car to explode, do you think that I would be glad I settled that debt instead of going on a kick ass vacation?

This is how the mind of a douchebag works. It's certainly not sustainable, eventually douchedom catches up with everyone lest they change their ways. And I hope I won't always be this way, in fact I can feel the tide starting to change a bit. I focus on bettering myself in other ways besides collecting the most 'epic' stories. But, it's where I am now, and despite what the haters say...it's not the worst place to be. I suppose while I'm here, I might as well embrace it.