Ed note: I will not include projects that I worked on that were cancelled (start-ups or television shows) or shows I was not asked back to because I had sex with the wrong people. Ok? Ok! Onward.
"You think losing is funny?"
"Well not at first, but once you get the hang of it."
That's the first interaction Gordon Bombay has with the rag tag group that would become The Mighty Ducks. In a way, it's a poignant outlook on life. The first time you go through a negative experience, it can be traumatic, but after repetition it becomes less and less shitty. Your first break up is the hardest, the first experience with death is the most devastating. Over time, you grow a type of armor that numbs the pain of these stressful life events. Losing one's job is the same.
I'm sure I was fired from plenty of things growing up, be it no longer being able to babysit the neighbors after the parents found out I let them watch a scary movie, perhaps it was when Skiles Test Baseball League didn't have me back after I ejected a coach and publicly questioned if he had a drinking problem. This is all peanuts though. Everyone has been asked to leave the concession stand after they were caught stealing Sour Patch kids; but I'm going to focus on real life firing. Like I had a job not because I was bored in the summer, but because I needed to make money. These are jobs that gave a paycheck, made you fill out an i9. Let's start with the first time I dealt with job loss...
The Gap - 2005
Believe it or not, once upon a time I worked retail in the mall. I would fold the shit out of jeans, fuck around on the walkie talkie and chit chat with customers while working the register. But there was one thing I did not do...sell Gap cards. I remember the first conversation I had with my boss about it.
"David, we need to talk about your Gap card numbers. Well they're at 0."
"I guess I don't understand the value? Do they get like a discount if they sign up for one?"
"No."
"Then why would they get one?"
"Well because they don't have to pay today."
"But that's essentially how all credit cards work...but most give you cash back."
"This is a new credit card, so if their other credit cards are maxed out, they can buy something today that they couldn't otherwise afford."
"So you're praying on the weak and poor with a shopping problem, that sounds pretty horrible."
"Just do it. Ok? Ask them three times. I'm not going to tell you again."
The inciting incident...
We were closing up for the night and there was a large metal display sign out back, 10% off back to school special or some shit. There was no one in the store. I was told to bring in the display sign, but my manager did not approve of my form.
"You're going to knock something over, or worse scratch the floor."
I proceeded to carry the display like a cross and made a reference to Jesus and started singing the Nas song "You can hate me now."
I was fired on the spot for making a religiously insensitive joke. Unbeknownst to me, my boss was the one Jewish person in Indiana and she thought persecution jokes were unacceptable. Whatever dude, you guys killed him.
2008 Phillip Morris USA
The summer I returned from Europe before my Senior Year, I landed a coveted internship with Phillip Morris. While every other intern was assigned to a small town in the midwest I demanded a Chicago territory so that I could work in Wrigleyville. The entire program bent over backwards in order to accommodate me. Apparently they thought I was some hot shot sales guy. The program started off easy enough, I would walk into gas stations in downtown Chicago, shoot the shit with the Indian guys and tell them to buy more Marlboro Lights and we would offer a bigger discount.
The problems started to arise when we had our biweekly conferences in Lisle, IL. I had never lived in Chicago before and I went out every single night that summer with Paul Bird. Getting to the far western suburbs by 9am was a bit of a problem. What became worse was when we would have conferences and get hotel rooms I would get consistently wrecked and miss all morning meetings. I once showed up in half of a seer sucker suit and was sent back to my room to 'sleep it off.'
The inciting incident...
At the end of the summer all of the interns around the country are sent to Richmond, Virginia to tour the Phillip Morris headquarters and give a final presentation. There are also bars next to the hotel and as 21 year olds are wont to do, there is some fraternizing among the interns. It remains the one and only time I used the line "It's ok, we can smoke cigarettes in my room" in order to get laid.
A week later during my exit interview I was told you need to grow up, but don't worry, we won't make you pay the $500 cleaning fee that we were charged by the hotel.
2011 Computer Discount Warehouse
Pretty much everyone knows this story. It will likely be the lead story in my debut novel 8 Balls and Food Stamps, but to sum up, after striking out on every final round interview my senior year of college I was given an ultimatum by my father, either find a job in a week or go work for Kraft in rural Kentucky. This was not appealing. On a whim, I interview for this sales job and accept it without really figuring out what I would be doing.
The day after I started work there I found out that I would be cold calling people and also that a warrant had been issued for my arrest, which convinced me that I would never pass another background check again so I decided I would be miserable for the foreseeable future.
In my time there I started this blog and while I was supposed to be on the phone 'smiling and dialing' I would call companies that had automated answering services, sit on hold all day and write.
The inciting incident...
The blog was darker then because I was pretty miserable. I was making $25,000 a year working 2 hours from home at a job I hate. The topics were things like...
"Jenna's wearing a tight shirt today, I can't wait to go in the secret restroom and jack off."
"Alyssa's daughter has lice again, I wonder if it's because they both look like The Toxic Avenger."
"This guy wants IBM but I'm going to get him some HP because I'll get a kick back and then I can buy the coke this weekend. Yay."
But apart from all of that I was also really bad at my job. I would take 2 hour lunches, drink like 3 cocktails, show up at 10, leave at 4. I didn't sell shit, and I never was on the phone. I was universally reviled. But as it turns out, it is pretty difficult to get fired from a massive corporation, I slipped through the cracks for 2 entire years. But one day after I was 2 hours late (it was raining!) and about two leave two hours early (Chase 5k! I was in comically short shorts and a wife beater when the following went down) I was called into a conference room on the third floor.
When I got there, the entire HR department and a few representatives from the legal team were sitting across a long table from me. They had 500 sheets of paper stacked in front of them.
"Tell me about your blog..."
"Shit."
They then proceeded to read page after page, stopping after every paragraph to ask a simple question.
"Do you confirm or deny that you wrote this."
This went on for several hours until I finally said.
"I wrote it all. Every single word, now can we end this?"
We'll be in touch.
I was put on paid admin leave for a week and then I received a phone call offering me a small severance in order to terminate my contract with the company. I took it, partied all summer and moved to LA.
2013 - King Trivia
Despite my often terrible behavior, I have never been fired from a production gig in LA. Kiefer Sutherland sent me home from a wrap party for being too drunk, sure. And I may have been but on a one day contract that was renewed every day on the show Ironside because I showed up 5 hours late the day after the Hawks won the cup, but I have never ACTUALLY been relieved of my duties.
However...
One time while I was on hiatus I picked up a side gig as a trivia master, you know the guy that runs bar trivia. Since I was new, I always got the shittiest games, namely a Lucky Strike in Orange County on Monday nights. No one would ever go, I would have to make an ass out of myself trying to get the bowlers to play. No one gave two shits about me and my shitty game.
The inciting incident...
After a while I found another production gig and was acting as a production secretary on a pilot. I would come in an 6am and leave at 6pm, plenty of time to get down to OC by 9p. One particular day, no one was in the office but for me and one PA. We had always been flirty, but I had a few not great experiences dating coworkers. I believe it was the last day of the shoot and we find out there is going to be a little mini-wrap party after we finish shooting at 10pm. This girl really wants me to go and will not take no for an answer. Somehow she finds a rogue 6 pack in the fridge and convinces me to at least have a beer with her. I oblige.
I'm looking at the clock, it is now 7pm and I will really be pushing it to get to Anaheim by 9.
"If you come to the wrap party I will blow you in the copy room, right now."
Haha. What?
"I'm serious."
She starts rubbing my thigh and pops a single boob out of her shirt.
I grab my phone and call my boss Mr King if you will.
"Uh, hey man. I can't make it tonight."
"What...what do you mean? Someone has to run the game."
"I'm having car trouble."
"Borrow a car, take a cab!"
"Look man, no one is going to be there anyway, I'm not going to take a $100 cab to Anaheim to make 50 bucks."
"Do you understand how hard it is to sell trivia into these bars? If you no show tonight, they will cancel the service and that costs me money...where are you, I'll pick you up and take you myself."
The hand moves further up my thigh.
"Dude, the truth is. I'm about to get a blowjob from a coworker in the copy room."
"Oh, well I hope it's a good one, because you're fired."
It was terrific.
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