I posited last night that judging from Johnny Oduya's on ice celebration, he probably loved EDM music and MDMA. He is Swedish after all. Not 3 hours after I posted that tweet, he appeared shirtless (and fucking jacked) at the Mid. He also appeared to be sweaty AF. The evidence may be circumstancial, but I feel more confident than not, that my original hypothesis was correct.
In a year where an LA Kings player already got arrested for a couple 8 balls at Wet Republic and studies coming out about the increased recreational drug abuse among players in the NHL, it is safe to assume that the Blackhawks are going to burn Chicago to the ground this summer. A city that hibernates for 9 months only to go on a 90 day bender that also boasts one of Buffalo's two biggest partyers? Things could get interesting. Let's rank the Hawks roster, based on who is most likely to cause to most carnage by the beginning of training camp on October 8th.
Healthy Scratch:
Scott Darling
Antii Raanta
Bryan Bickell
Michael Roszival
Kyle Cumiskey
Joakim Nordstrom
and the rest of the guys who sat out most of the playoffs...
Most of these guys won't get their names on the cup and contributed little during the playoff run (or were hurt) In favor of keeping this column under a billion words, they remain unranked. (Though I would love to go out drinking with Bicks)
Partying...responsibly
Kimmo Timonen- The 40 year old sails off into retirement capturing the cup on his last try. Homey didn't play most of the year dealing with life threatening blood clots. I'm sure he'll have a good time this week with his family, but this third pairing blue liner is past his prime both athletically and at hitting the bottle.
Teuvo Teravainen- From the oldest Hawk, to the youngest; this Finnish stud better have a fake ID if he wants to party at Underground all summer. It's rumored the Blackhawks brass gave the 20 year old sparkling grape juice for the locker room celebration.
Patrick Sharp- Patrick Sharp is the shit. For a long time he was my favorite Hawk. He is probably the best looking guy in the NHL and slams chicks accordingly including a certain rumored IU sorority girl. That said, Patrick Sharp does have a wife and a kid...and he'll be moving this summer. Sharpie will be part of the collateral damage due to severe salary cap issues. He will undoubtedly be in a different sweater next year, but we will love him forever.
Brandon Saad- Brandon Saad is American. Brandon Saad is from Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh has a bar that houses a midget in a dog house that will slide down a fireman's pole and pour vodka in everybody's mouth if someone puts a ten dollar bill on the bar. Brandon will party this summer but also will likely become a victim to the Hawks cap issues. Rumors are swirling that he may head home to the Penguins to strengthen their attack. The truth is with big pay bumps coming to Kane and Toewes, a lot of young talent will unfortunately scatter this off season.
Marcus Kruger - Kruges is looking like one of a few Blackhawks (including Kris Versteeg and Johnny Oduya; more on them later) who may need to go under the knife this summer. All three played the finals with injuries. If that is the case, Kruger will likely spend a week or so doing the stadium tour of Chicago and then spending a fair amount of time recovering and popping vicodin.
Potentially overserved...
Kris Versteeg- I saw Steeger out at Social 25 (remember that place?) after they won their first cup in 2010 (he was shipped off shortly thereafter to the Maple Leafs) he was with a trio of blonds and he caught my eye. "Which one?" He mouthed to me. I pointed to the one on the left, the tallest and skinniest, built like a model. He winked at me and put his arm around her before exiting the bar and hopping on a trolley. "OMG. I just picked which girl Versteeg is going to fuck tonight." I foresee more of the same shananigans this summer.
Duncan Keith- In 2010 Duncan Keith quipped at the Hawks Parade "Anyone know a dentist?" In case you have forgotten, Dunc took a puck to the face that obliterated about 20 of his teeth, sending some straight down his throat. (Imagine shitting out your own teeth...yikes) This year he will not have any dental procedures to worry about and he has the added bonus of the Conn Smythe. But at this point, along with a couple Gold Medals and 2 other cups, winning is old hat for the perennial Norris Trophy nominee.
Brent Seabrook- I have stated before that there are only really two reasons to go out. 1. Get fucked up with your friends. 2. Find something to fuck. Brent likes to drink, and will have a good time doing so this summer. However, Brent also has a wife that is hot AF, so does he really need to kick down the door at Hangge Uppe at 4am when he's got a wife just dying to ride his dick all night? I think not.
Brad Richards- Richards won the cup (and Conn Smythe) for the Lightning in 2004. He was a young man back then, probably got lots of STDs in Tampa that summer. Now he's 35. But, Brad grew up on Prince Edward Island, the most obscure Canadian province. It's like their Delaware, not much to do but get shit faced. Old Brad will have quite a few pops this summer, just don't expect any Deadspin stories about DUI arrests.
Andrew Desjardins- Did you see how badly he wanted that empty netter last night after committing a stupid penalty with 3 minutes to play? He clanked it off the post, fortunately neither gaffe cost the Hawks. Andrew is 28, he's a first time cup champion and when he cuts off his horrendous beard he is actually a decent looking guy. That said, he is expendable. He will take fireball shots this summer, he might snort some vodka (big among Ontario hockey guys) he will likely land a fair amount of tail. But he also cannot get in trouble. As a borderline 3rd/4th line guy AD is expendable because 88 doesn't need any bad influences.
Better make that a triple...
Jonathan Toewes - Oh is surprises you to see Captain Serious this high on the list? Listen here, the smartest thing the devil ever did was convince the world he didn't exist. And the best thing that ever happened for Toeweser's reputation was the behavior of his road roommate. Make no mistake about it, JT parties hard. My buddy got his phone number a few years ago somehow and called him up, convincing him that we had bonded at a wedding. We made plans to hang out when he got back in town. The bro is a black out king. Do not be fooled by this picture, this is not someone who is bored, this is a man on a bad drug come down.
Antoine Vermette- If there is anyone less trustworthy than the French it's a French Canadian. Vermy came over at the trade deadline with a hefty price tag and didn't do a fucking thing all season. He was a healthy scratch several times over the first couple rounds of the playoffs. Then this motherfucker decides to come alive and basically win the cup for Chicago with two unlikely game winners. The ego on this guy will be so big this summer. 'Oui Oui bitches, I save my magic for when it counts!' I think he will average at least 2.5 Lincoln Park blowjobs a week through June/July/August.
Niklas Hjalmarsson- Hammer is secretly the most important player on the Blackhawks in my opinion. He blocks so many shots that after a game his body typically looks like the dead corpse of a pre-Robocop Alex Murphy. It's only fair then when he bangs trust fund coeds wearing ill fitting cubs shirts in the bathrooms at Wrigley.
Corey Crawford- Earlier this season Corey Crawford missed a few weeks because he fell down the stairs at the House of Blues But why was he at a Rise Against show in the first place? Likely to finger blast some West Loop honey he picked up at Haymarket. Goalies know how to party.
Marian Hossa- It has been debated for quite some time to whether the Slovakian demigod is a Hall of Famer. That debate is now over. He knows this. I predict the summer of Hossa.
Do ya wanna buy some snow man?
Andrew Shaw- I mean are you kidding. Aside from starting to look more like a rising hockey star and less like a pest I have it on good authority that Andrew Shaw likes to party. Specifically he loves to have fat chicks sit on his face. It's rumored he went to a rub and tug last time the Hawks won the cup and had the fattest masseuse sit on him while the receptionist jerked him off. Also he looks like the type of guy that requires a punch in the face to get amped up to party.
Johnny Oduya- Just look at this fucking picture.
Trevor van Riemsdyk- Trevor may have only averaged about 6 minutes a game in the finals, but this bro is a rich kid from Jersey, 23, 6'2 190. I mean you're ready to fuck him right? This guy will slam more New Trier tail this summer than a junior exec at Groupon. He probably ditched the team party at The Mid last night in favor of Chicken and Porn at evil olive. Why? Because he knows that the chicks that do anal live west of the freeway.
A League of his own
Patrick Kane- Was it ever a question? The guy is a god damn legend when it comes to partying. He once challenged Gronk to a shot taking competition even though he gives over 100 pounds to the guy. He then proceeded to beat down a cab driver over .25 cents. He went on a well reported rampage in Madison a few years ago. He showed up asleep in a bed on Deadspin a while back. I know the girl he fucked! In fact I think I helped that girl move that bed into that very apartment. Kaner's exploits are well known, but he has seemed to settle down a bit as of late. Apparently he has a girlfriend now, there are fewer tales of his Gold Coast debauchery. Hell he may have even bought a house and move to the suburbs.
But according to a giant HBO billboard I've been driving by all week, legends don't retire, they reinvent. Kaner will be back this summer and bigger than ever. I foresee a trip to Burning Man. I smell a brief tryst with Taylor Swift, hell she might write a song about him. Kaner may go full LeBron and try to get a little acting career going. Do you know how much blow Patrick Kane and Zac Efron could go through together? There would be a state wide disco dust shortage in California. You may think that Kane's biggest partying days are behind him, but a lot of people also thought Jordan was done when he came back with jersey 45. Cue an even more impressive threepeat. Kane isn't done, he's just getting started. Chicago will look like ground zero on September 12th once ole Patty K decides to hang up his shotglass. Long live Patrick Kane, God of partying. Be weary young virgins of Bucktown, no one is safe.
No comments:
Post a Comment