Friday, April 1, 2016

Border Run


It's 4pm on a Friday and you start to get that sinking feeling.

Am I going to have a shitty weekend?

One of your roommates is out of town and your main slay piece is back home visiting her niece.

Why the fuck is everyone always going to visit their niece? I dare my brother to have a daughter so he can see how often I do NOT visit her.

You start to get doubly concerned because you're already working late tonight and tomorrow's forecast is quasi shitty. Netflix just dropped a fuck ton of content and there are rumblings of one of those 'relaxing weekends.'

But those people don't get it. When you live for the weekends, you can't afford to take one off. The release of partying your face off for 48 hours is the only thing that will get you through the next 5 days. You're falling behind, you're professionally unsatisfied, you lack a significant other. You can't also have a boring social life. That was the one thing you and going for you…

So you pick up your phone and dial up a Hail Mary…two letters.

"TJ?"

No, not your friend Taylor Jackson. You're not requesting a specific spin-off of a foot job. You're suggesting a border run to Tijuana, Mexico.

Despite what the US State Department would tell you, Tijuana is relatively safe if you stick to the city center. There are real hotels, Marriotts and Hyatts and such. Of course there are also sketchy guys in alleys that will offer you cocaine and also try to take you to a donkey show.

But you're not down there to pull a Marissa Cooper. No, TJ exists to give you and your bros a brief respite from the oppressions of Los Angeles, while allowing some good bonding time. Follow this brief travel guide on how to make a border run and live to tell about it.



SingleDude Travel Advisory 1: Don't Drive
Let's step away from the immediate fact that the line at the border can often last hours and you don't want your ass to get Sicario'd…What do you think you look like when you're driving across the border Sunday morning back into the US?

You look like  a bunch of strung out bros that drove to Mexico on your quarterly drug run. The customs agents will tear your Chevy Tahoe to shreds and take all of your smuggled tequila while they're at it.

No friends, there is a much easier way to do this. Exit one clearly marked THE LAST FUCKING EXIT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has parking lots for $6 a day. There is then a simple bridge you walk across and boom you're in Mexico. From there, merely hop in any cab and offer the driver $10 to take you to the Hyatt Place. With you, you should have a swimsuit and an outfit. This is plenty for your trip. This leads to…

SingleDude Travel Advisory 2: Stay at a Goddam American Chain
There are independent 5 star hotels in TJ. There are luxury Mexican chains too. But you know what? Stay at the fucking Hyatt. This is going to sound xenophobic, but I just want you to ask yourself this…"Is Jay Pritzker going to let something bad happen to me?"

The answer is no. If there is a cartel in Mexico, they have no interest in fucking with American interests, because they know what will happen if they do. I know this because I watched about 70% of a two hour Netflix documentary on the subject.

The Hyatt/Marriott/Hilton/Holiday Inn will have a pool, it will have a bar, it will also have other Americans. Don't be a hero. Settle for your upper middle class family hotel.

SingleDude Travel Advisory 3: Do not seek out hard drugs
Why would you go to Mexico to do drugs? You can do them in LA and there is a much greater chance of you NOT getting your head chopped off. This is not the reason for the TJ trip. If you want a big drug weekend, plan a night at the Avalon. You can even get a room at The Roosevelt. Do not under any circumstances go on a Bacchanalian Odyssey to seek out drugs. Party in congested areas, eat the worm, have some Mexican food and NEVER deviate off the beaten path. After Lollapalooza, I got into a cab with a homeless man with sinister intentions. He took me to the South Side of Chicago under the guise of giving me something I should not have been seeking. When we got there I realized I was just about to robbed and possibly shot. I stayed in the cab. Always remember, if you find yourself in a cab in the middle of nowhere, do not get out.

SingleDude Travel Advisory 4: Do not black out
Ordinarily, I love to black out. Blacking out is life's roulette wheel. If you drink yourself retarded you never know what will happen. Perhaps You wake up in bed with a chick, perhaps you wake up on your kitchen floor. In Venice, I always have a reasonable expectation that no matter how drunk I get, nothing too terrible will happen to me.

This is not the case south of the border. If you fall asleep in an alley in Mexico, you won't wake up in bed with 2 bottles of water and a silly note from your roommate who carried you there.

SingleDude Travel Advisory 5: Pill up son
Ok aside from bagging some rays at the pool and taking in some culture at the street markets, there is one legitimately nefarious reason to go TJ: Pharmaceuticals.

If you walk into any pharmacy in Mexico, they will offer you any narcotic under the rainbow. Uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. But the main three will be Xanax, Vicodin and Viagara. You can buy an unlimited amount in Mexico and use. Crossing the border is a bit of a stickier situation as if the pills are discovered, the customs guard could ask you for a prescription. While crossing through security as you walk back Sunday morning, treat it like TSA if you had a bunch of someone else's ambien for flying. You're a white American, customs won't bust your balls too much, but don't flaunt it either.

And there you go, you've made an investment in your future hangovers, Sunday Scaries anxiety attacks, and drunken one night stands!

You did a day in Mexico and didn't even get chopped up by the likes of Tuco Salamanca. Congrats!

SingleDude Travel Advisory 6: Be a Tourist
TJ is pretty dope. There are lots of street markets where you can buy literally anything, and it's all up for negotiation. This is fun! The bars are cool, Coronas and Tequilas are like a buck each. Liga MX is dope soccer and Tijuana has a team.

Just remember, don't follow those sleazy club promoters trying to take you to the REAL party. You're just fine drinking on the main strip until midnight and heading back to your mainstream hotel. Other American girls will be impressed by your safety first mentality. Who knows, you may even be able to Beta test one of those Mexican Viagara before you even return to America.

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