Czech Your Privilege

Privilege Warning: Do not read on if your dad makes less than a $100,000 a year. Or do, I really don't give a fuck.

"Do you guys want to go to Aspen?"

It was the winter of 2010, a few days before President's day weekend. I was working a dead end job in IT sales. Hunter and Jake were working for a bank that was failing in North America, every day inching closer and closer to getting shipped abroad.

I checked my bank account and say that I had roughly $500 to my name, but I had other assets. I had some Nike stock left over from high school, a government savings bond left over from my brother's birth. (The older sibling is often forgotten when a new baby is born, don't forget them!) I also had about $60 in crumpled up bills on my dresser and $138 in my HSA account. This is money that you are supposed to use for prescriptions and over the counter health expenditures. I typically used it for cigarettes when I was broke.

This was certainly a trip that would positively effect my mental health.

Through all of this I was able to amass $937. This was good enough for a $250 round trip flight on Frontier, 3 days of lift tickets, beer money and cash for like one nice dinner.

Hunter and Jake were able to take a reputable airline like American because they had real jobs that paid above minimum wage. When I got to the Snowmass club, they told me about this Czech guy they had sat next to on the plane. He had been nervous because he had snuck on something illegal onto the plane. He wouldn't tell them what it was, but invited them and their entire party to dinner the following night.

Strange as it may sound, this isn't exactly rare. Older rich white people love to talk to younger rich white people on vacation and invite them to do things. I was invited to fly a helicopter one time in South Padre, Texas. I was invited to go spear fishing in Fort Lauderdale once.

Of course, you never go. It's the alcohol talking, the guy doesn't really want to teach me to spear fish.

But Jake is nuts and decided to take this guy up on his offer. So we go to Matsuhisa with this strange Czech man and his wife, along with Jake's parents, brother, sister and her 3 friends.

We're all having a good time when the Czech man summons the chef over to our table and hands him an envelope. I didn't know if it was a wad of cash, drugs or something even more sinister.

When it's time for desert the chef brings out 10 mugs of tea.

"Now wait. Before you drink this, I need you to know what it is. This tea has been infused with pufferfish fins, it's one of the strongest hallucinogens in the world. An improper dosage can prove fatal, but this chef is one of 14 men in the world certified to make this infused tea."

Most of our party passed, but Jake, Hunter and I had finished our cup before our host had stopped speaking. He and his wife laughed and drank their tea as well.

"Now my friends, I am going to take you for a night of good drinks and good company at the Caribou Club."

I didn't know what to expect. The whole night was starting to have a Eyes Wide Shut vibe to it. I knew the Caribou Club was some sort of Member's Only social club, but I was unsure if some sort of orgy or sacrificial cult awaited me. All I knew was that if asked for a password, I was rolling with 'Fidelio.'

We got to the club and sat with our benefactor. Turns out, he was old money and just kind of spent his life traveling around the world, investing in restaurants and hanging out. We drank some expensive cocktails, pranced around the dance floor under a light ecstasy-esque euphoria until we decided that we would leave to go to Eric's the dive bar next door. Caribou Club was fine, but Eric's was where we belonged, ripping shots, cheap cigars and sweaty bar make outs with Australian girls.

The moral of the story is, the forbidden fruit isn't always that great, but I'm sure the Czech dude and his wife fucking love it. Conversely, they probably wouldn't excel at a dive bar. I'm perfectly fine with them hanging out at their member's only club that refuses the likes of slobs like me, I certainly would never protest their right to have fun with the people they want to.

And that's why I just don't understand what the fuck happened at Dartmouth today…

Apparently, a Dartmouth sorority used to throw a Kentucky Derby themed rager every year. I imagine their were mint juleps, horse racing themed drinking games, big hats, hell they might have even done the port o potty run thing.

In my estimation this is just kids having good clean fun. Sure it was invite only, as are all dances. Yet some liberal fucktards felt the need to protest this event because of 'elitism.'

As if the Greek System needed any help in dying a quicker death, now people have run out of acceptable excuses to boycott them and are just making shit up.

If having a dance is 'elite,' what the fuck is next I ask you? No high school prom? Everyone gets a date? The participation trophy generation has taken this shit too far.

I will never be a member of Augusta, because I'm not good enough. And you know what? That's ok. I would like to be. I aspire to be. But I won't be.

But I sure as shit won't be the butthurt SJW that spoils everyone else's fun. Do you know why?

Because I aspire to be great one day and when I am, I don't want everyone to be invited. Elitism is aspirational, elitism is attainable. I am a middle class kid, but I could conceivably become the next great American novelist or perhaps invent a crazy start up.

So too could these shit heads befriend a girl in KDE and score an invite to their Derby party. True confession I always wanted to go to Kappa Kapture but it never happened. I did not protest the event. I tried harder to befriend Kappas.

The great irony of the situation is that Dartmouth is an Ivy League school, which is by definition surrounded by Elitist fucks, so the people protesting are the dreaded self-loathing upper class.

GAHHHH WHITE GUILT WAHHHHHHHHH.

Just go ahead and shut it down now guys. In the future, playdates will be banned. Facebook Friends will be outlawed. We'll be living in a dystopian society where everyone loves everyone and we're all winners.

Unfortunately, that is a fantasy in which everyone loses.

Go fuck yourself Dartmouth students! And if anyone wants to hang out later I'll be appropriating Arab culture and throwing an Arabian Nights party to memorialize the death of my own fraternity.