Be a Doctor

Don't panic.

So you waited until Wednesday to Prime a Sexy Harambe costume and it ended up in Venice, FL instead of Venice, CA. You now have seven hours to put together a costume or your Halloween will be ruined and the rest of 2016 will suck. You're probably having a worse day than Hilary Clinton.

But don't worry. I've been there and I've got your back. Listen very carefully to what I am about to say.

First you need a friend who is a doctor. If you don't have a friend that is a doctor you should get one. They can call in Z packs for you if you ever get sick or have a curable STD. But if you don't have a doctor friend, go to the Scrubs store.

That's right, when everyone is going to the Halloween outlet to pick over what's left of the overpriced shitty costumes, you are going straight to Scrubs Unlimited in Westwood where you will buy a pair of short sleeved breathy scrubs. If you work on a medical show like the Mindy Project, you can just go hit on the costume PA for 20 minutes until she gives you some rejected wardrobe.

If you haven't figured it out yet, you are going to be a doctor for Halloween. It's a simple costume really, it's comfortable, but it also opens up the world of a surprising amount of bits.

For example. One of your accessories is going to be a note pad. Any time you see a girl that you would like to have intercourse with, you walk up to her and say the following:

"What ails you my dear, I am a doctor."

No matter what she says, you will pull out your note pad and prescribe her something...like shots.

She will love it, it's hilarious.

On every prescription you will put your phone number on it and say something like 'If you have any side effects in the morning give me a call."

There is a 23% chance you will get a text in the morning saying 'Dr. I'm having some side effects, I may need a house call."

The good thing about being a doctor though is that you can prescribe more than shots. Feeling bold? Prescribe a kiss. Did you manage to wrangle a stethoscope? Check their pulse, ask her to take a deep breath and cough, this establishes kino, the art of touch.

Be creative, be obnoxious. Preface lots of statements with 'trust me, I'm a doctor' you can even lie and pretend you ARE a real doctor. Don't break character all night.

I guarantee you will have a good time and you and everyone around you will get very drunk.

Congratulations, your Halloween has been saved.