Friday, October 14, 2016
How to send your Bumble break up text.
We've all been there.
You matched on Bumble and there was a little spark of hope. OMG is this guy my future husband? Your pulse races a bit and then you say WHOA SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. First this guy needs a funny response to my question.
"If you were a baseball player what would your walk up song be?"
You're super proud of yourself. What a witty question!
"The Friends theme song probably."
OMG HE'S PERFECT. He probably thinks his life is a tv show too!
That amazing reply obviously grants him a first date and it goes...ok?
He drank a little too much on the date, he accepted your offer to split the meal. He led on that he MIGHT be a Trump supporter and oh he totally has put on 10 pounds since his photo was taken.
But like he's funny right? Remember the Friends thing? He's such a Joey!
You kiss and it's a little awkward.
The night ends.
Life goes on for you. Maybe you get drunk at a bar and go home with an ex-fling the following weekend. Joey from Friends fades from your mind...
Until 10 days later he brings up some obscure fucking 'inside joke' you guys had.
'Hey remember when we talked about getting drunk at Dave and Busters? We should do that soon!'
You say something non-committal like 'Haha, YES that sounds so fun.'
But then after cancelling on him twice, you find yourself drinking an IPA and playing Big Buck Hunter at Hollywood and Highland on a Tuesday night.
He says something about how he wants his wife to be a stay at home mom and it's not because he's a sexist or anything, it's just his mom was a stay at home mom and he turned out great!
Ok, you're totally out on this guy. He needs to fucking go. You don't even want to count all your Skee Ball tickets to see what kind of rainbow slinky you can get from the prize store, you want to go home and never see this guy again.
He drives you home, plays a horrible song that he thinks you like and then tries to kiss you in your driveway. He even has the audacity to say 'I think that was a pretty good second date!' You flee up yo your apartment and no sooner have you locked the door when a few charming texts come in from Mr. Wrong.
"Hey I had so much fun with you tonight, you're the best, sweet dreams. Smiling party emoji."
Fuck. I guess he is kind of a nice guy. Just a bit of an idiot that you are NOT into. But you must break it off. Sure it will crush him, but don't worry. I got your back on this. I will show you how to break this man's heart with (some) compassion.
STEP 1: It has to be preemptive.
Look, I love to put things off until the last minute because dealing with things is hard. But just like an unpaid parking ticket, leading on a Bumble boy will just increase the pain exponentially with time.
The day after the date is when you need to cut it off. Do not wait for him to ask for another date, do not seek advice from your mother. Do not draft 17 versions of what to send. Time is of the essence.
STEP 2: Show some heart (but not too much)
I understand the want to say something like: While I was kissing you I felt like one of Bill Clinton's rape victims or I literally had to swallow a bottle of shampoo to get your gross taste out of my mouth. But obviously you have some degree of tact or you would just ghost this motherfucker into oblivion.
Conversely, you do not want to butter this guy up too much with emojis and compliments. The only thing worse than sending a Bumble break up text is the follow up questions?
Was it something I said? Did you not like my shirt? Was my Khloe is actually the best Kardashian take too hot? COME ON ONE MORE CHANCE PLEASE!!!
This fuckboy has to do know that you had a generally nice time but there is absolutely no chance of getting back together.
STEP 3: Cease communication
Knowing when to walk away is a skill that is almost universal to all walks of life. Clayton Kershaw after the 6th inning? WALK AWAY. Having an argument with a person of color about white male privilege? WALK AWAY. In fact the only time in life when you should NOT walk away is when you are enjoying a Diplo song. (Four people that read this will catch that reference)
As much as you will want to keep pumping this guy's tires and saying shit like 'No, I think you're great, it's just..." and "It's just a personality fit type thing" or the dreaded "It's not you, it's me..."
That's a fucking lie. IT IS HIM. IF HE WAS PERFECT YOU WOULD BE FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT RIGHT NOW.
In fact after you send the text. Hand your phone to a friend and don't let them give it back for an hour. Or turn your phone off and throw it at a wall and don't look at it for a few days. It's a real Schrodinger's Cat situation. If your phone is not on to receive a scary text message, did it really happen?
STEP 4: Straight and to the point
Ok, without further ado. Your text should read something like this.
'Hey, I had a good time last night, but I'm not really feeling a spark. Good luck!'
Does that leave an opening? No.
Is it mean? No!
You're saying, I had a nice time but this chapter is closed. No nudes for you.
What if he protests? FUCK THAT BETA MALE DON'T RESPOND.
There is also a world in which this guy really won't give a fuck. Maybe you are one of 12 girls this dude is dating. Maybe he sends every chick 'I had a really good time tonight crazy party emoji.' Maybe, JUST MAYBE he's not that into you.
If all goes according to plan, seeing this guy in public shouldn't make you want to kill yourself. And really that's the best one can hope for with a Bumble break up.
Or you could just get flaky with your text messages and wait for it to work itself out. Whatever you want