I'll cut right to the chase.
I'm going to Palm Springs in two hours and I have no idea what to expect.
I have never met a few of the people that I will be living with for the following 48 hours and there is another group who has a very cursory knowledge of my existence.
Conventional wisdom would say that it would be a good idea to take it easy, fade into the background this weekend; not make it about me. It is after all a birthday party, not my birthday party and I am a guest at this house. I need to be respectful and clean. That's really the most that can be expected from me.
Conversely, I have had one hell of a week. I have heard so many Bumble horror stories at work that I'm starting to think that I am living in a Black Mirror episode. Sometimes you just need to drink whiskey out of a hot girl's collarbone to make sure you've still got it.
I agonized over the decision for days. Part of me wants to be an adult, wants to prove that I can be 'chill and low key.' I want to think that I am not Denzel Washington from Flight, stuck in a hotel room with a fully stocked mini bar.
Just to be sure, I asked my friend Ally. She's put together and often gives me sound advice.
Clavicle shots it is. I'm sorry everyone, I tried, I really tried to be different. But sometimes you gotta be you. Consider this a warning shot for the debauchery that follows.
I might bring a drone and if I can procure one, a shot luge.
I am going to use the power of persuasion to make this trip go exactly the way I want. I may buy a gong and call it the 'shot gong' and make people take a shot every time I ring the shot gong.
Do you know how fucking effective shot gongs are?
Dinner I don't want to go to? Shot gong.
Photo shoot that I want to cancel? Shot gong.
Want to rally some people that are napping? Shot gong.
Trying to get people to go to the Ace Hotel? Shot gong is now Adderall gong. GONGGGGGG!
Look I'm sure everyone on this trip would be totally content to float on swans all weekend and leisurely drink Rose.
Well I'm not.
You have been warned. It might get loud.