Royal Wedding

If you happened upon this page for a review of the Fred Astaire/Jane Powell musical classic, I urge you to leave immediately. This is going to be a quick rant about British people and stupid American Women. (Although after a quick IMDB I can tell you that Royal Wedding was nominated for one academy award...it lost)

I would like to apologize about the light posting this week. One of my idiot roommates felt the need to take our wireless router with him to Mexico so I have been stripped of internet access at home. One of the engineers as Apple decided that Ethernet ports weren't necesary in 2011 or that wired connections are for poor people and do not agree with the positioning of the Apple brand. That said, Tuesday I was too worried about the Hawks to write anything, and Wednesday I took the day off to drink in Wrigleyville...although if you follow me on twitter you were probably wildly entertained by me telling Finn Hudson to go fuck himself after several pro-Canucks tweets. That was the highlight of my creativity thus far this week.

Without internet at home this week and a limites roster of roommates to hang out with I have been watching a lot of TV. Bad TV. Do you know who bad tv appeals to? Lonely old women. Do you know what lonely old women will be doing tonight? Watching coverage of the Royal Wedding, excuse me while I go make myself some tea and order a fish and chips from the local football pub!

Wow of all the things in the world I couldn't give a fuck less about this may top the charts. Tomorrow the world will celebrate a privilledged little shit with a receding hairline marrying a slightly above average looking commoner. OMG it's like every girls dream! To marry a prince! I'll be a princess! I don't know what I hate most about this story, the fact that it has half of the world captivated or the fact that it will obviously spur 3 more sequels to "The Prince and Me" franchise. Holy shit Julia Stiles lives on a farm and some guy that says "brilliant" a lot falls in love with her. This is like putting Peyton Hillis on the cover of Madden 2012, it just gives false hope. (I don't care how many Idaho state rushing titles you have, you aren't going to make it bro.) At least EA had the decency to at least make him look black on the cover as to not promote to many false dreams.

Next order of business: Kate Middleton is not hot enough to be a princess. This idiot could have picked pretty much anyone in the Western world to be his wife, and he chose someone that I would tell my friends about banging but I wouldn't necesarily brag for 2 weeks. She is a decent looking Brit. Why didn't he have Tony Blair call up Keira Knightley and have the following conversation.

Tony: Keira, it's Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Keira: Oh hello sir, to what do I owe the honor?
Tony: You are pretty much the second hottest British woman behind Liz Hurley so we were wondering if you would like to be a Princess?
Keira: Oh I don't know sir. Prince William is great, but I could never follow in the footsteps of Lady Di and I am terribly busy with my acting career...
Tony: No offense Keira but nombody say Never Let Me Go and Atonement was 4 years ago...you would own every Flamingo in the country.

Boom. If that was the case, today's blog would be one of supreme envy. Even I would sacrifice my firm hairline for an eternity with Keira Knightley...it also sounds somewhat ironic Princess Knightley. Is she married to the future king or is she one of his men. She's actually neither, she is a porn star because she had a bad agent and her role in the POTC franchise is over. She may have a few Jane Austen adaptations left in the tank that will premier on BBC 2, but trust me, she will be getting jammed by an aging Peter North at some point.

I saw an outstanding tweet the other day about someone inquiring what Prince Harry will be doing this whole time. That's the real story, younger brother, never going to be king, kicked out of the military...a real wild card. He kind of reminds me of the Craig character from the Stephen Lynch song "Craig Christ" Harry will probably show up with a couple Vietnamese hookers on each arm and a bag full of the crown's most royal bud. He will also get shitfaced and conduct an orgy with peasants, it will be a lot like an episode of the Tudors. But if Showtime wants to air an uncut special on PH's antics sign me up. Otherwise, come 4am I will not be waking up to watch coverage of the royal snorefest, I'll be closing my tab at Mcfaddens and coming home to take a 3 hour nap before work.