My new sales strategy is to go into abandoned bars, order a beer demand the Cardinals game be put on and proceed to pimp my product. The thinking is, if the guy knows that I am going to be around for the next 3 hours watching a baseball game and drinking his 2 dollar pints he has to at least entertain me. I'm going to start using my awkwardness against people...
Scenario 1.) This includes asking homeless people for change ("Sir do you have any change?" NO I don't but I see you do! Give me some and then we'll both have a little bit! No? You don't have any change? What about bills? None of that either? There is an ATM down the street!)
Scenario 2.) The little kids from Compton trying to sell me their candy bars (Sir, any donation you make could help lead me towards a life away from crime would you like to help me stay out of jail? "Actually Latifa, I've noticed in my experience that the more money I had, the more crimes I tended to commit...why don't you give me your 5 dollars that you have there and I'll give you my old paperback copy of The Secret and you'll be just fine...oh, I'll take those Sweet Tarts too.)
Scenario 3.) Those guys that follow you and try to hand out their mixtape...(Hey man, hey big man, yo blondie fresh, yo you like music? Check out my tape...yo how about a donation man, that's good music, thats my survival man. $20...ok $10, $5 give me something man. "How about you give me $20 and I'll give this cd to a low level assistant at a record label. That is under the impression that you actually want to make it as a rapper, but if you want to make a career out of scaring tourists into handing you a wad of cash so you will stop chasing them down the boardwalk than thats fine with me too."
Seriously it's time for someone to turn the tables on the dregs of society, they've been causing me more discomfort than an ill placed zit too close to my lip for far too long now. But anyway, the fact that I live in LA and spend hours a day in the car (the thing I hated most about Chicago followed me here, maybe I should have gone to New York) so obviously I've been hearing a lot about the wildcard race lately, and it got me thinking back to that episode of Always Sunny where Charlie is the Wild Card and does all sorts of crazy and unexpected shit. It's amazing, so since I don't know that many people out here, I have scribbled down a few ideas that I think everyone should try.
1. Go out with an Entourage- This idea revolves around your group of friends going out and treating someone like a celebrity. This whole society is so obsessed with starfuckers. Any dumb cunt who is from out of town comes to L.A. exclusively to see Kim Kardashian. Guess what, that's not going to happen. L.A. is just a regular town full of delusional people that are full of themselves. Celebrities probably don't even go out that much so they don't have to deal with the pathetic commoners that harass them. HOWEVER, no one seems to know this except for me. So next time you go out and pool all of your tips you made catering to buy a bottle, pick one guy and call him an actor, or a writer, or a stunt man or some shit. Dumb chicks will eat that shit up.
Oh my GOD, what were you in. "I was in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, I dated JLH for a while." (It's probably best to use these non-committal movies that everyone saw but can't remember the cast.) Or you could pull some bullshit, "Oh I did re-writes on The Last Song" OMG wasn't that with Miley??? "Yah, she's a total crack whore" OMG I TOTALLY WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED!
...and the best part will be kicking this chick out of bed in the morning and telling her you have to go serve some hungover bros their lattes at the Westwood Coffee Bean. BUT like I thought you were famous?!?
2. The accent. I know this is cliche, but there is probably nothing interesting about you. Your job, not interesting. Your friends, typical. What else is there to talk about on a night out, the emergence of the Tea Party into mainstream politics? Why Ryan Reynolds continues to underperform at the domestic box office? Nope. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. However, if you have a fake Australian accent, a refusal to break character and you aren't retarded, you have a chance to hold some girls attention for more than 2 minutes.
Here's a quick newsflash, no one knows anything about Australia, if you find a girl that studied abroad there, tell her you grew up in Melbourne, NO ONE goes there. They have a tennis tournament and some aborigines, that's it...and the accent isn't that hard to master, just don't over do it, and don't get nervous and start talking like an Irish immigrant. No one wants to have sex with a leprechaun...and in the morning when you tell her from Naperville, well she can't take away consent ex post facto (unless you're in college she can probably cry rape and the stigma will follow you around for the rest of your experience, I've seen lifetime movies about it...I always take the guys side)
3. Just lie. It's fun, play a role. Everyone has watched Wedding Crashers and been like, that's so tite, I want to do that. No one ever does. Try it, if you get caught whatever you are an aspiring actor trying to get into character. And the lies don't have to just be sleazy age, wealth stereotypes. You can come up with some crazy captivating life story that should be chronicled by 60 minutes, like you fought off a large Asian man mugging an old woman and it turned out to be Justin Bieber's grandmother. Make it creative and engaging and at the end of the night you will both be so drunk that if she goes home with you in the morning she probably won't remember the bullshit lies you fed her, and if you two do end up taking the relationship further and she brings it up months down the road you could come clean and have a good laugh or take it to the grave. First rule of persuasion, own your lie. So kill the monotony of the every day and go do something crazy and unexpected, it doesn't make you a terrible person, it makes you adventurous and those who tell you otherwise probably like Tim Tebow.
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