Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Sauce Nazi


Quick story time. Over the weekend some stranger somehow ended up with one of my phones (I still have two hence the 317/310 thing) After furiously trying to track it down on Sunday to no avail I finally got a call last night. If you want to see your phone again meet me at McDonald's on Avenue K in Lancaster, CA. Long story short, Lancaster is a town in the middle of the desert, driving out to this remote McD's in the middle of the night reminded me of the movie Casino. I honestly thought that a Joe Pesci type was going to walk in to the McDonalds and shank me and that the medical examiner would find me dead with a half-eaten double cheeseburger in hand. What a way to go. Needless to say, after waiting for this guy 3 hours to "take the bus" to my location he arrived with my phone. He had suspiciously wiped its memory, so I hope my phone won't later be implicated in some sort of gang related activity. Moral of the story, hold onto your damn phone. I honestly need a case that will surgically attach it to my body, it's getting to be a tad ridiculous.

The most disturbing part of the evening though may have been that the person behind the McDonald's counter would only give me one packet of buffalo sauce. Clearly that isn't enough for my fries and Dbl Cheese. But out of principal I refuse to pay 30 cents for an extra.

I have been encountering this scenario all over the place lately. The worst is the taco bell drive thru. Clearly, a minimum of 3 fire sauces is required per taco. Possibly 4 on a burrito/quesadilla and no less than 2 on a chicken flatbread. So if my order is 2 soft tacos, a chicken flatbread and a steak quesadilla...I need 12 packets of fire sauce minimum. I realize my demands may be a tad high so I say "I need a shit ton of fire sauce" not a bunch, not a lot...A SHIT TON. Needless to say when I am underwhelmed with 5 packets I am furious. Because then I have to park the car go in, and take 20 more just to prove my point.

Look, I get it. Fast food chains are trying to cut back, but honestly is sauce consumption really knocking you down, maybe McDonald's can cut back on labor costs. It always seems like there are 8 retards in there just standing around. Or maybe cut back on your obnoxious marketing budget, the I'm loving it campaign is just poor. And people really aren't that excited when the McRib comes back it's fucking miserable. What does bother me is when I say I would like 2 buffalo sauces and a ranch at the window (after I've paid...this is an obviously blatant strategy, are they really going to ask to run my card again?) But they fucking do! No I don't have 37 cents! Who carries cash? You know who carries cash? Homeless people and drug dealers. And you just wait, they will both be accepting square payment soon enough. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT?

But the fast food restaurant that has taken it too far is the new Hollywood Chik Fil A. They literally employ someone to distribute sauce to you after you have placed and picked up your order. You walk to this person and make your initial sauce request and then they ask you what you ordered, and make a counter-offer of sauces they will provide you. At this point you have to make your most aggressive sales pitch for sauce, mine usually goes like this:

"I got 12 nuggets and a large fry, I realize that 4 buffalo, 2 ranch and a chick fil a sauce may sound excessive. But I assure you, no sauce packet will see more than a 2 nugget life span, the rest will be used for my fries. I will not waste any of it, I will consume them all and enjoy. What I need you to do, is give me as many sauces as you can give me without losing your job."

Usually after that intense soliloquy she caves into my demands...but really it shouldn't be that hard...and don't even get me started on those meager fucking ketchup packets...one of them is not even enough for an entire french fry. What happened to the land of excess? I would expect this bullshit from Europe, but really? I thought this was America.

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