If you have ever read this site before you know there are 2 things I hate more than anything in the world. Cab drivers and bathroom attendants. Bathroom attendants probably more so because they literally charge you a tax to use the bathroom. The last thing I want to do after depositing 5 pints down the urinal is either get the look of disgust from the smooth talking black man when I don't wash my hands or the utter look of despair if I actually allow him to pump soap into my hands and have the nerve to not tip him. Worse even are the aggressive attendants that let you know that they are not paid by the bar, they only keep their tips. (I'm looking at you Mickey's on Clark...you're a shithole, why even put up the facade of class)
My war with the taxi drivers is slightly different. I realize they provide a service, they stop people from driving drunk...yaya whatever, that's all fine and well but where do you get off charging someone $20 to go 3 miles. At that rate these guys are literally banking an attorney's hourly rate and they have the audacity to ask for a tip on top of it and get shitty with me when I try to pay with card because it's going to be taxed...all the while speaking jibberish to some homeboy in Saudi Arabia, laughing about all the cell phones that he is going to sell on ebay after his shift ends.
I have decided to induct a 3rd member into my 7th ring of hell thus completing the 3 headed monster of Brutus, Cassius and Judas Iscariot, with valet parkers.
Living in LA and Chicago for that matter parking is a bitch. But as an American and a believer in a free market economy and a scarcity of resources, I can get on board with paying for parking. Obviously if the sunset strip was loaded with tons of massive free parking lots instead of cool clubs and bars it wouldn't be as cool as it is, you pay a premium for the experience.
And while I would rather walk a mile to park for free or for a dollar at a meter...
/side note...when I was young my dad would always park literally miles away from the Pacer games when we would go. I remember cursing him in the 4 degree below weather as we walked from Market Square Arena to like 10th and Meridian, "You're so cheap, pay the $3 to park...I'll never be like you." Well, I get it now, it's a matter of principle.
Whatever, I'll pay for parking if I have to. I would prefer to park in a garage so I don't have to stop at a non-chase ATM and get fined $5 but even if I do...I'll get over it.
What I cannot get over is when I see a lovely little meter outside of the restaurant but some jackass has put up a valet sign, thus stealing a perfectly good parking spot, and now this motherfucker wants $20...are you kidding me? To drive my car across the street into that lot? How about I give you $10 and park it there myself..."Nope, valet only."
And this is an epidemic all over Los Angeles. Even restaurants with parking lots, or some parking garages, you'll pull up and they'll say, "hop right out sir, I've got it from here."
No, no thanks I'll park myself. "Well we are valet only sir!"
Like seriously what the fuck? Do these companies get some sort of tax credit by employing an army of 10 valet boys? I see a parking spot RIGHT FUCKING THERE. But I have to get out of my car, get a ticket, watch this jackass move my car 15 feet and then come out and give him a suggested $3 gratuity when he pulls my car around? I suggest you get a less laughable profession.
I never harbored all this ill will towards the valet profession. Hey, a nice night out with a girl, you want to impress her. Door to door service, that way she doesn't have to walk a 1 block trail of tears in those uncomfortable heels. Sure I get it. Maybe at a 5 star restaurant...but to check out the shoe section at Nordstrom on my lunch hour I have to fucking valet? No thanks boss.
Paying for parking is right up there with getting gas...it's an unforeseen expense that you really just kind of hate. It makes everyone in the car happy when you valet, because the driver obviously pays and then your friends don't have to walk. But I am literally taking a stand against these cum dumpsters from all walks of life FORCE a "service" upon me and then demand my generosity to reward them of such. It's a fucking scam, to generate more money...pinch the yuppies for everything they've got...because it's not enough anymore that we instinctively tip 25-30% on all restaurant and liquor bills, we better break off this parking attendant a little something extra.
But really, you're fucked either way, because the only alternative is to take a cab to the restaurant, thus employing another of the evil triumvirate...and you fucking know that this posh place is going to have a bathroom attendant...and if you drive and valet, there is a good chance that you will be overserved and forced to cab it home anyway and then claim your car in the morning...and if this ever happens I will spontaneously combust, but do not be surprised if I take down everyone else in the service industry with me in a murderous rage.
/End Rant
*Takes a deep breath*
I feel so much better.
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