Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Revisionist History


Anyone that has seen the 80's classic Pretty in Pink always knew how it was going to end for Jonathan Byers: that motherfucker was getting straight duckied.

I mean put yourself in Nancy Wheeler's shoes. You're a super hot yet underrated nerd chick (essentially Molly Ringwald) and your two choices are the ridiculously good looking, rich, popular boy...

Or...some poor weirdo from a broken home with a psychotic mom and a possibly dead brother.

Despite my obvious prejudices, I'm willing to give both sides of the love triangle their day in court. First, let's lay out the case for Steve Harrington.

The Case for Steve Harrington: 
Steve Harrington is THAT guy. He runs the school. He's the class president, he is the star of one of the sports teams and he dates all the pretty girls. He's John Tucker but maybe a little nicer. And let's get one thing straight off the bat. Steve Harrington fucks.

Aside from narcissistic leanings that would have Steve compare himself to a young Tom Cruise, we are led to believe he is a fairly good guy. He also has rich ass parents with a big house AND a pool (with a diving board no less.) I assure you, this is a rarity in early 80's rural Indiana.

Despite the fact that he obviously wants to get it in, Steve shows a real interest in our girl Nancy. He's not just trying to hit it and quit it, he wants to be her boyfriend. He kisses her at school at her locker. He makes plans to study with her outside of school. He loans her clothes after pushing her into a pool. Also Steve seems to have a normal family life; two caring parents that stayed together and don't mind leaving him home alone for a few days. That's a family of trust.

The Case Against Steve Harrington
As every school has a kid that runs the school, every kid that runs the school has a douchey sidekick of a friend. I'm sure Andrew McCarthy had an asshole friend, possibly played by James Spader. The truth is, the company that Steve Harrington keeps is not great. Also when Nancy's friend Barb gets captured by the monster, Steve is largely indifferent. (In fairness, Barb is an annoying fucking nerd and I'm glad she died. Everyone on the internet bemoaning the mistreatment of Barb was clearly a loser in high school. This is the 80's the cool kids win)

Steve also doesn't have the BEST reaction to thinking that Nancy maybe, possibly, shared a bed with the weird loner. I certainly don't think it was warranted to write on the movie theater marquee that 'Nancy Wheeler is a slut.' I mean sure, he's young, but that's a little over the top.

Lastly, look there's no way around this. Steve got fucking pwned by Jonathan after the movie theater incident. I haven't seen a beat down that bad since Ivan Drago killed Apollo in the ring. But instead of using this embarrassment to fuel hatred, Steve uses it as a redemption arc, later saving Jonathan and Nancy from the monster.

The Case For Jonathan Byers
It's pretty obvious your boy Byers has had a pretty tortured life. His deadbeat dad left, his family is desperately poor, his brother has just gone missing and Jonathan has absolutely zero friends. During the course of the season he primarily spends his time consoling his crazy mother who is screaming at lights and wondering if the police chief did or didn't fuck her.

That said, my good friend Nick said on Twitter last night "I just want to find a girl I can set a bear trap with." No one can dispute that Jonathan and Nancy do set bear traps together. Not only that, they raid an entire fucking armory together. That shit is hot. Remember in Jurassic World when Bryce Dallas Howard was all like 'I fucking hate you Star Lord." But then after they destroy all the dinosaurs they're like, "Let's fuck!" Ya, hunting monsters together creates an unbreakable bond.

You know what else brings people together? Tragedy. Whether or not you think Barb was worthless (I do!) Nancy was really sad when she disappeared. Jonathan was really sad when his brother disappeared. Remember the Halle Berry scene in Monster's Ball? (I do!) MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

The Case Against Jonathan Byers
Ok, Jonathan Byers snuck into the hedges of Steve's house and took secret photos of the little party. What was he going to do with those photos? I have no idea. Maybe it was just a weird plot device to make Steve look like an asshole when he destroys Jonathan's camera.

BUT THEN...ya boi JB sees Steve and Nancy about to fuck and he keeps taking photos. I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY HE TOOK THOSE PHOTOS. A bateathon. I bet Jonathan Byers can crank out like 7 rounds in a day. Not even a sick day, like a normal day.

I just don't know if I could ever come back from that with any chick. 'Hi, I took pictures of you getting undressed and more pictures of you getting railed.'

That is just sex offender 101, don't take pictures of naked people that are unwilling. Didn't Erin Andrews just win like 3 billion dollars because of this?

Also: Dead brother, shitty dad, poor, no friends, crazy mom, bad hair.

The evidence against Jonathan Byers is more damning than the case against Naz (The night of)

The Verdict
Despite a 'will they won't they' over the back half of the season, eventually Nancy and Steve reconcile. Jonathan gets a cheek kiss and a new camera. I almost thought that the box Nancy gives Jonathan was going to be full of naked pictures, a consolation prize reminiscent of Crazy, Stupid, Love. Alas, Steve got the girl, but should he have?

Here's the deal, I love this show because it is so 80's. I feel like a character could call someone a 'fag' or a 'retard' and get away with it. It takes place in summer IN INDIANA, and it basically echoes every Steven Spielberg movie ever made. It was made for me. However, as you might think I might self-identify with Steve, I actually saw myself much more in Mike Wheeler, Nancy's younger brother.

You can imagine my devastation when he finally kissed Eleven and asked her to prom before she spontaneously combusted to save the universe. But that said, I promised I would deliver a winner and a loser on the Nancy/Steve/Jonathan love triangle. So let's recap...

Nancy: Hot (possibly recently) Smart, Best friend just got eaten by a monster from a parallel dimension.

Steve: Hot (since forever) Not smart, Best friend is kind of a twat, has a pool with a diving board

Jonathan: Bad haircut (like really bad) has good taste in music, successfully engineers a home made flame thrower, but his brother just vanished and his mom is an overacting Winona Ryder.

Oh my God...I just. I think I just changed my mind. Steve is kind of boring. He's kind of a pussy. Jonathan can just get a hair cut. Maybe Winona can start banging the town sheriff who is cool as shit and that would fix Jonathan's whole broken home thing. THE DUDE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A FLAMETHROWER. And I also think that Nancy was weirdly into Jonathan taking secret jack off photos of her.

Upon re-examination, Jonathan should have won the love triangle. We'll see how things play out in season 2 of Stranger Things.

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