How was my Fourth of July?
Thanks for asking! I blacked out five consecutive nights, spent an entire night pretending to be Australian, saw the equivalent of this happen IRL ANNNNND I overdrew my account.
I thought about doing a diary of my last 40 debit card transactions but it sent me to a dark place. I'll just say it was a fun weekend and I strongly recommend watching the Major Lazer tv show while on hallucinogens. Let's move on!
Today is the day that the Thursday night Santa Monica Pier concerts start. Mayer Hawthorne will perform on the beach for (I'm guessing) 50,000 people that have the demographical breakdown of Kenilworth, IL. It's going to be great.
BUT!!!!
I realize that many of you aren't cagey five year veterans like myself so I decided to put together a handy first timer guide. It may seem incredibly easy, but it's not! You will fuck up! And you never want to look like the idiots at Coachella that run out of beer on there first day and end up sleeping in the back of their Honda Civic, right? Let's begin!
What to bring:
Do they suspend open container laws? Not really. Will the police look the other way if you're an attractive young professional sipping red wine from a discrete Solo Cup? Definitely. Also bring a bag to keep the wine bottle when you're not drinking you savage. But like 2 bottles of wine per person was obvious right? What else??? Cheese plate, assorted meats, I dunno. It pretends how hard you want to pretend you're an adult. I bring a premade sandwich from Whole Foods and my favorite bag of Kettle Chips. If I'm feeling especially bad ass, I swing by Bay Cities. I opt for the Meatball, but the Godmother is fine as well I suppose. Ok, so you've got your food and drink. What else?
BLANKETS. Blankets are your main form of Imperialism at the pier, AKA conquering space. It's pretty tough to reserve a spot for you and your homies with a Finding Nemo towel. Bring multiple huge fucking blankets/bed sheets and amass a small island nation for your crew.
Also, I recommend corkscrews, cups, a flag for an easy vantage point (your phone will not work) and maybe even a small table and/or luminaries. Perhaps even a life size beer pong set. WHY NOT?!?!?!
DO NOT BRING: Beer, hard liquor, cigarettes, VAPELIFE, fireworks, glass of any kind.
How to get there:
Bikes or Uber. The end. And do not bike valet. It sounds like a good idea, right? Wrong. Bike valet closes at 10 and is a pain in the cock to visit. Imagine 10,000 kids trying to get their bikes back at the same time. What a veteran does is park their bike next to Big Dean's (with an extremely durable lock)
What you're going to want to do is go to a bar after the show, that line gets long, quick. You won't really have time to do anything aside from throw all your shit in a backpack and run to the bar.
DO NOT: Drive or walk (unless you leave three hours in advance) The headliner won't go on until 8:30 but you will get a shit spot if you show up after sunset and it's next to impossible to find your friends. Also it's V fun to ride your bike home drunk, just make sure to watch out for nerdy kids trying to catch a Snorlax on their new Pokemon Go game.
Where do you watch:
Standing on the pier is for n00bz. You still can't see shit from the deck and the beer garden is for dummies that forgot their wine (or ran out...also dummies) Of course there are some #brands up there handing out swag if you are a poor person that wants to wear a Home Away backpack with some SnapChat sunglasses.
Actually scratch that, I want some SnapChat glasses.
But for real, you should try to sit close to the pier and about halfway in between the bike path and the ocean. (You're not going to hear the music so it really doesn't matter)
What are my options after:
Big Dean's. But don't fuck around in line. There is a one legged bouncer who has extremely low tolerance for white privilege. He has no problem telling you to go to hell if you start bitching about the length of the line. Go to Big Dean's and proceed directly to the back and order a giant fucking beer and try to get lit until they kick you out at 12.
Or.
Go to Main Street. Victorian and Finn McCool's have decent crowds on a Thursday night.
Or.
41 Ocean/Bungalow will be lit, but it will be full of the guys your mom warned you about. Side note: One time a married woman called me 'such a bro' I thought it was a compliment, have her fuck me eyes, and told her 'I'm the type of guy your mom warned you about.' She was not impressed.
Or.
Smoke a joint, ride the carousel and then go to bed. No shame in calling it a night at 1030 on a Thursday.
Or.
Bang some chick that you were hitting on all night at the pier. Cover her bed in sand, women have more comfortable beds than men. It's science. I once refused to break up with a girl for about three months due to the comfort of her bed.
And always remember...
When you drink on a school night, it's best to be in bed by 12 and drink at least 3 smart waters before you fall asleep. So if you violate this rule, you better make damn well sure that it's worth it.
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