One of the first buzzy articles I ever wrote in any medium was something entitled "Jesus Christ: Frat Star" for a weekly publication called The Booze News. In said article, I deduced whether or not our lord and savior would make the choice to go Greek and if so, which house he would choose.
I used the forum to take a bunch of cheap shots at GDI's and every frat, eventually concluding that Jesus would have been in my fraternity because I, like Kanye West, also have a Messiah complex. I suppose it was well written. I tried to use evidence to support my claims, but it was essentially a lot of the word vomit I spew here so often. I saw it framed in a Sorority room though once when I was pregaming for a formal and felt completely validated. I cherish it almost as much as the passive aggressive note I had hung on my wall.
Fast forward 10 years and writing an article about Jesus joining a frat would likely get me kicked out of school. Then I would be internet lynched worse than the drunk rich kid who wanted some bacon mac n cheese. Despite having to send my article to multiple editors, it was run with multiple Jew jokes and allusions to the effects of Jungle Juice.
Imagine the Jezebel headline: "Anti-Semitic White fraternity member says Jesus would have also been a white fraternity member, endorses rape."
But in 2016 we're not talking about Jesus anymore.
No, Jesus is so 2006. The Holy Wars are about to end, Isis is about to give up and black people are about to start hanging out with cops. Something far more important is upon us, a reckoning if you will: Pokemon Go.
That's right, millions of nostalgic twentysomethings are fucking off from their jobs right now, wandering around the neighborhood throwing a digital ball at a mythical monster from the 90's. You can argue that Pokemon Go is whack, don't worry, you won't be the first contrarian to shit on it. The truth is, it's fun, and it's probably about as close to Ready Player One as we will ever get. The point of today's piece is not to argue whether or not Pokemon Go is cool, or whether doing it while driving is 'safe' or if the memes the game is spawning are funny.
Today we are here to determine one thing. Which of these fuckers is a Frat God? Who is the Eric Stratton of Japanese video game creatures? Is Squirtle getting a bid? Is Geodude more of a Spring guy? Does Cubone make the face team? Is Onyx a total geed, or is he more of the stoner live out that just doesn't come around much anymore?
The search for the ultimate FRATemon begins...
I broke it down into 5 categories, because Shakespeare wrote in five acts and YES, I think I'm that good.
Cat 1: Total geeds.
Cat 1 Pokemon don't need to buy their friends man, at least that's what they say after no one gave them a bid.
Your basic Villas dwellers are Pokemon of no real consequence: Caterpie, Weedle, Rattata, I mean a fair amount of bug and grass type Pokemon in general. They're not necessarily actively offensive, they're just kind of the anonymous people you pass every day without even thinking of stopping to say hello.
I mean look at Magickarp. He's just the fucking worst right? How you gonna try to pair with a third street sorority with his bitch ass just flopping all over the place like a dying fish. And Mr. Mime? Your physical comedy is tired dude, give it a rest
But certainly the worst of them all is fucking Meowth. I mean not only is the fact that Team Rocket is the Hufflepuff/GDI/Purdue of the whole series, but he's just loud and obnoxious. The only thing worse than someone that isn't cool is someone that thinks they're cool and isn't. (90% of people reading this roll their eyes and realize I'm not self-aware enough to realize I'm describing myself)
Meowth is the guy that storms into your room at 7pm and says "HEY LETS GO TO THE BAR TO HIT ON CHICKS THEY ALL WANT ME," and you lie to tell him you're going to stay in and play video games. He's like if Alex from the Bachelorette was pixelated. GOD I want to haze Meowth. I want to yell at him and throw buckets of cold water at his fucking head. GET ON YOUR GOD DAMN FACE MEOWTH! Sorry, I got carried away, but ya Meowth sucks.
Cat 2: Weak House guys
This next crop of Pokemon are Greek, technically, but aren't really blowing up the social scene. Machop is well intentioned, but he's a bit of a try hard. Abra likes to get stoned AF, but he's a little one note. Mankey is fucking crazy and will fight anyone, but that gets old really quick. Koffing's pranks are hilarious but he can never seem to turn it off. When I'm at the lunch table recapping my Thursday night conquest I don't need you literally farting in my face man. And seriously Jynx only got a bid because some house is trying to prove to the world that they are Trans friendly. Wear a dress Jynx, you be you. I support you unconditionally.
I would also put most of the water type Pokemon in here. Omanyte, Horsea, Goldeen, even Staryu, they're all solid 5's.
And you know where solid 5's end up? On the extension. Hey, at least you all found each other.
Cat 3: Spring guys
This next crop made it into a decent house on their 2nd, 3rd OR FOURTH try. Like Bulbasaur was a little bitch, but I'll fuck with Venusaur. Ditto with Blastoise. (But Squirtle was such an adorable pledge!) I too, was caught sleeping on Geodude before he turned into a boss ass Golem.
You'll find a lot of flying types in here. Pigeotto and Fearow don't get to live in the cool live-out senior year but they're both serviceable members of the squad when you go bar-hopping. The same can be said of Nidoking who had a girlfriend all four years (Nidoqueen) but will still pop by to bro out once in a while.
Jolteon, Flareon and Vaporeon are all Sigma Chis now, but it's still a little awkward with the older guys who remember not giving young Eevee a bid.
There's no shame in being a spring guy but it's also something one can never shake. These Pokemon may enjoy life at the top, but they will always sit on the fringe of a table. One should never go to a place where they are merely tolerated.
Cat 2: Rising Stars
These guys started popping up at Friday sorority brunch lately and people are taking notice. Who the fuck is Kangaskhan?
Oh you don't know Kangaskhan? Kangaskhan fucks! As does Electabuzz, Magmar and Pinsir. I once saw Pinsir have a threesome on the drunk bus while a Tauros filmed it. It was tits!
Their social chair is the ever facey Ninetales and is a big reason why they've been pairing well lately. Due to Ninetales Yellow Fever, he has formed an alliance with noted hot Asian Hitmonchan and it's really gone a long way to raising his crew's stock.
Dugtrio an Dodrio also fall into this category, nothing frattier than throwing three dudes in a single room.
You can also throw Arcanine and all the legendary birds in here as they fly ever so slightly below the radar while managing to destroy almost everything in their path. I heard they did over $200,000 in damage at Gatlinburg last weekend with some hot Ponytas. I haven't heard of that kind of party since the 2010 Miami Pi Phi debacle.
Cat 1: The Kings of campus
It was always leading to this, the group of bros who have been on top so long they can't remember doing anything but look down on people. You've got rush chair Pikachu getting everyone hooked. Look at fucking toga bro Pikachu! He's John Belushi but better and not dead. Slowbro sells the weed. Psyduck procures the Molly and Electrode has that white connection ON LOCK.
Shellder, Cloyster, Gastly, Haunter and Gengar are those villainous asshole that the girls for some reason can't quite resist. Onix of course is the enforcer. Mewtwo and Charizard rule quietly from the shadows as a devastating one two punch of President and VP.
But who is it? Who is the one Pokemon who embodies it all: The privilege, the attitude, the 5 inch inseam pastel shorts with boaties. Which Pokemon's dad owns a fucking dealership?
It's Snorlax.
OBVIOUSLY. And it wasn't even close.
Snorlax oozes charisma while also making it abundantly clear that he gives absolutely zero fucks. Sure he's packing on a few extra pounds but the dad bod is in these days. Motherfucker eats cheetos all day and sleeps. Like a boss. He doesn't even need to work because he's got a trust fund of like a billion potions and revives.
Did you know that a Snorlax typical meal consists of roughly 880 pounds? That's pretty frat. You know what isn't? Counting calories. Fuck with Snorlax and he will literally roll over and crush you. But he probably won't because Snorlax is a homie. The KING of the homies. Snorlax turns down your shitty semi-formal invitation because he would rather sleep, or eat...or fuck.
Snorlax invented Netflix and Chill, don't you ever forget it.
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