About five years ago an article came out that would rock the Los Angeles social scene. It was titled "The 25 Douchiest Bars in Los Angeles." There hasn't been an all out assault on the American bro so violent since Vice did their companion pieces 'The American Bro: A Portrait of the Worst Guy ever' and 'In Defense of the American Bro.'
As a self-proclaimed bro and douchebag, I took extreme interest in this article about the so-called douche meccas in Los Angeles. I was new to town however, and I lacked context. Five years later though, I am ready to offer my rebuttal. I have now been to all 25 of Los Angeles' douchey bars and each of them has a story that I am ready to tell.
I would like to also add that I hold no ill will toward the author, Ms. Donaldson. Douchebags aren't for everyone! And according to my social media stalking she has parlayed a career writing splashy headlines for internet magazines to doing post production at NBC. Maybe I'll walk across the lot and say hi.
But first, my analysis of the list.
#25. The Surly Goat, West Hollywood.
Original Analysis: Douchey place to find guys in Sperry's and plaid button downs (not much of a burn if you ask me)
My analysis: I came here one time during the Hudson Block party (more on that later) while waiting for Haim's set to start, I came into this bar and demanded a Zima. They gave me a Smirnoff Ice. Later in the night, I did that thing to my buddy Mark where you hit your beer on the top of his and the beer foams everywhere. I did this too hard and broke Mark's bottle in his hand. He had to get stitches.
Great bar though.
#24. 1739 Public House, Los Feliz
Original Analysis: Premiere bar for bros that live east of Cahuenga (Lol no bros live east of the 405)
My analysis: I got drunk at this bar once waiting for a work drinks thing across the street. There was a soccer game playing in Spanish on the TV and I was sitting next to some very enthusiastic Mexicans. Anytime their team did anything of perceived value (goal, save, pretty pass) they bought everyone at the bar a shot. Needless to say, I never made it to my work drinks. I slept in my car that night and when I woke up my battery was dead because I had fallen asleep listening to Dave Matthews Live in Central Park.
So ya...5 stars.
#23. Q's, Brentwood
Original Analysis: If you're looking for a sausage festival, Q's is the Oktoberfest of meat-market bars (Ok, I'm super jealous of that sentence)
My analysis: I was doing my typical January sober month (not frat) when I made the mistake of going to Brentwood to watch the College Football National Championship. Ohio State won the game by like 80 and I ended up at Q's with a bunch of buddies. Once we got there someone bought a bottle of Jager and started handing out shots like candy. The Indian girl I had been pursuing all night asked me if I wanted to take a shot with her.
I ended up taking 15 and not making it to work the next day. BUT everyone bought the story that I was sick because they all knew about the sober month!
#22. O'Brien's, Santa Monica
Original Analysis: O'Brien's is proof that if you combine an Irish Pub with a beachside sports bar, you create hell on Earth.
My analysis: Santa Monica has an annual Christmas bar crawl that is basically Santa Con light. One year I sat down in the middle of the dance floor while wearing a Santa costume and made girls line up, sit in my lap, and tell me what they want for Christmas. (At least one of them said you, and she would have gotten it had I not puked and been kicked out 5 minutes later)
#21 The Parlor, Hollywood
Original Analysis: When The Parlor opened, it was dubbed trendy by the LA Gods, which of course, immediately ruined it.
My analysis: This is the lone IU bar in LA (well this bar is actually kind of a whore for most schools) but I definitely did coke in the bathroom one time with a moderately known basic cable actor. I regret nothing.
#20 Baja Cantina, Marina Del Rey
Original Analysis: Baja is overrun with very pretty people with very little substance.
My analysis: I came here one time for a birthday and brought a pinata. The birthday girl thought it might be a little much to publicly mash a pinata in the middle of a very crowded bar. I said 'fuck it, let's just do it.' We did and candy went everywhere. The manager then told me that if we would have asked to do the pinata, she would have said no.
Then I told her that's why I didn't ask! We left for The Whaler without cleaning up, oops!
#19 Dillon's, Hollywood
Original Analysis: The all-female staff dresses in slutty catholic schoolgirl outfits, making it the perfect place for douchebags of all ages to come get their creep on.
My analysis: Ugh. RIP Dillon's and their $3 beers. When I was 23 and unemployed, where else was I supposed to drink. The last time I ever went to Dillon's I drank so much beer than I pissed myself during the finale of Book of Mormon which was playing at Pantages next door. Totally worth it.
#18 Circle Bar, Santa Monica
Original Analysis: It's impossible to drink here.
My Analysis: Counterpoint, who cares? I came here when I was in the depths of my Molly phase. I once saw Whitney Port from the Hills here and asked her if she wanted to dance. She said no and I realized how sweaty I was. Her loss.
#17. Rooftop Bar at the Standard, DTLA
Original Analysis: The Rooftop bar at the Standard has some of the most incredible views you can find in Los Angeles.
My Analysis: You either like hotels like The W and The Standard or you got made fun of by someone like John Tucker when you were a kid. This hotel has a fucking photo of President Obama smoking a cigarette in the lobby. Who cares how expensive the drinks are?
#16 Skybar at the Mondrian
Original Analysis: When Skybar opened it was the place to be for anyone in the entertainment business.
My Analysis: KCRW used to do midweek concerts here and I once came to see some artist called SBTRCT (or one of those other groups that thinks it's edgy to remove the vowels) anyway, I was big into Four Loko at the time and I think I hurriedly drank three in my car before eventually falling in the pool. The hotel was pretty cool about it, they gave me a bathrobe to watch the rest of the show in. (Then asked me please to never come back)
#15 Station at the W, Hollywood
Original Analysis: Despite its attempts at being the next best thing in Hollywood nightlife, Station only serves as a gathering place for those who couldn't get into neighboring clubs like Lure or Avalon. (Harsh)
My Analysis: Every time I wake up in a W hotel I have this moral hangover like I killed a hooker or one of my friends may have overdosed on something. Last time I was in a W hotel I called the front desk to see if there was an Earthquake happening or I was just intoxicated. No seismic activity had been reported.
#14 The Hudson, Hollywood
Original Analysis: The Hudson is that strange type of bar that is totally fine until say, 9 p.m., and then all of the pastel button-down shirts roll in. (Again, why does this chick hate great fashion?)
My Analysis: Remember that Hudson block party? It was super awesome. There was also a solar eclipse that day. This hot Australian chick had these special eclipse glasses that I got to use. When the party was over, I told the Australian chick that my car had been stolen. She took me back to her place and we hooked up. Score.
#13. Bar Lubitsch, West Hollywood
Original Analysis: Bar Lubitsch is desperate to come off as hip and trendy.
My Analysis: My chief complaint here would be the preposterous amount of Persians here. But there are also a plethora of 22 year old WME assistants that go here...so maybe the Persians know what they're doing.
#12. Brennan's Pub, Marina Del Rey
Original Analysis: Brennan's is known for its Thursday night Turtle Races. These are, in fact, not so much turtle races as a scheme to get young girls to bend over in short skirts.
My Analysis: The last time I was at Brennan's they had a Third Eye Blind cover band. I didn't even know Third Eye Blind was large enough to warrant a cover band. Praise be to niche culture!
#11. O'Hara's (or Maloney's whatever the fuck you want to call it) Westwood
Original Analysis: You'd have to be completely wasted to have fun here, which is probably why the crowd always is.
My Analysis: When I first moved to LA I used to hang out at UCLA and pretend to be a grad student. I would hang out with my buddy Gil and then we would go back to his house where there was an entire bedroom covered in mattresses. Every Tuesday we would go to pint night at O'Hara's and either bring chicks back to the 'megabed' or re-enact classic WWF matches. They were equally fun nights.
#10. Townhouse, Venice
Original Analysis: Townhouse's long, storied history of being a local gem in Venice Beach came to a crashing halt when the new owners took over.
My Analysis: Townhouse is my favorite bar in the world. The basement is 1000 degrees and no one looks at you funny when you sloppily make out with blacked out chicks on the dance floor. Also the closing move of 'do you want to go for a late night swim?' works at least 40% of the time.
#9. The Den, West Hollywood
Original Analysis: The Den on Sunset located across the street from Hollywood's famed Chateau Marmont draws the douchey dregs who can't get into Marmont.
My Analysis: You can smoke cigarettes on the patio of The Den. Also they have sick karaoke. The Jewish women of West Hollywood didn't have a lot of frat stars at their East Coast Liberal Arts schools and they really can't help themselves the first time they see a twentysomething dude sing 'Love Story' after chugging 7 whiskey sours.
#8. Barney's Beanery, West Hollywood
Original Analysis: The place used to be a cool dive bar with a unique vibe and décor.
My Analysis: I come to this bar when the twat at Palihouse won't let me in for flip flops, but I always feel cool because this is the bar in which Janis Joplin drank herself to death. Also they have games. If you aren't going to close a chick on a Tuesday night I think the second best thing to do is play a best of 17 series against one of your bros in air hockey.
#7 Busby's West, Santa Monica
Original Analysis: Busby's is essentially a Chuck E. Cheese for drunk 22-year-olds.
My Analysis: Busby's is essentially a Chuck E. Cheese for drunk 22-year-olds!
#6. Big Wang's, Hollywood
Original Analysis: Big Wangs reminds you of those terrible, regret-filled college nights where you wake up wishing you would have just stayed home.
My analysis: It's hard because I read much of what the original author writes and I agree but I think it's a good thing. I will say, I saw Miles Teller here once. I also saw Calvin Johnson here once. If Miles Teller and Calvin Johnson are douchebags, I don't want to be cool.
#5. The Brig, Venice
Original Analysis: Why people are lining up to get inside a bar with a one-stall unisex bathroom, overpriced drinks, and terrible service remains a mystery.
My Analysis: Spoken like a true east-sider. The Brig hosts an annual Crawfish Boil with unlimited free beer, crawfish, cocktails AND TATTOOS. Can you imagine waking up one day and thinking, 'man if someone offers me a free tat today, I'm game.' ANNNND that's why I now have 'Broeller' tattoed on my chest.
#4 Happy Endings, Hollywood
Original Analysis: If you come to this bar looking for a happy ending, you're better off rubbing one out at home.
My Analysis: Happy Endings has beer pong, flip cup and a shot wheel. No one here is over 21 and they have a lobster claw game. I once brought a Swedish study abroad girl home from this bar, but by far my peak performance at Happy Ending is when I caught a lobster and then drunkenly ran across the street and threw it into the lobby of In n Out. I still hear the drunken screams in my dreams.
#3 Baja Sharkeez, Hermosa
Original Analysis: This bar has become a haven for naïve L.A. transplants and the South Bay's broiest bros.
My Analysis: Guys...Baja Sharkeez fucks.
#2 Cabo Cantina, Brentwood
Original Analysis: What else can you expect from a place that hangs inflatable beer bottles and piñatas from the ceiling to promote a “2-4-1” happy hour?
My Anlysis: You can get fucked up at Cabo Cantina for like $7. One time I was overdrawn on my checking account but I still managed to buy everyone at the bar a drink. I woke up in Long Beach the next day and had a penis drawn on my forehead. It was basically just like Garden State except I didn't get to fuck Natalie Portman at the end. Spoiler alert.
And the douchiest bar in LA is....
#1. Saddle Ranch, West Hollywood
Original Analysis: Step aside, every other bar on this list, we've come to the very definition of douchey: Saddle Ranch.
My Analysis: I mean if you don't like blacking out on 'Red-Headed slut' shooters and riding a mechanical bull, I don't think we can be friends. I got so drunk at a Saddle Ranch once that I punched a zombie in The Walking Dead maze at Universal's Halloween Horror Nights. I hope he doesn't read this and decide to press charges.
So there you have it! All 25 bars with a fresh new anecdote from me. I guess the moral of the story is, they aren't that bad right? They're fun! Maybe the author was just in a different part of her life than I am. I mean what's now fun about punching strangers, blacking out, vomiting, pissing yourself...oh wait.
I think I just proved her point for her.
These bars (and me) are douchey as fuck.
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