I really wasn't planning on blogging today. I don't feel great and I have a planned black out tonight. I thought that expending as little effort as possible and consuming 3000% the daily recommended dosage of Emergen-C was my best bet. But then a little Deadspin article dropped out of the heavens into my email inbox.
How to deal with a hangover at work.
How topical! I will undoubtedly be hungover tomorrow, maybe I can learn some pro tips.
As I read on, I quickly realized that these were tips for a JV drinker, maybe someone with a mild headache after having 2.5 glasses of wine.
Deadspin's advice: Get it together before you leave the house, eat something, act natural, fly under the radar, take breaks, don't try to drink it away, keep it to yourself.
Clearly the author of this article had never had a debilitating hangover on a Friday morning. Moreover, what is this fucking fantasy land where people wake up more than 2 minutes before they have to be in their car driving to work? It's like an episode of Gossip Girl where the kids have a full day before school.
My Friday hangovers look like this...I wake up 30 minutes late. I scream OH FUCK. I sprint to the shower, realize I don't have time for a shower, look for my keys, keep yelling fuck fuck fuck, and drive off in my car drunk and hope I don't get pulled over for a morning after DUI.
So if you had one too many glasses of wine last night, by all means, please click here.
But if you like really get after it, read on my friends.
Before we proceed, I would just like to pour some out for Deadspin who will be sold at auction this weekend. I'm really going to miss hot takes from the comment section such as...
Pro tip: Don’t drink if you have to go to work next morning.
And people wonder why they can’t get, or hold, jobs? It’s shit like this. Be a fucking responsible grown up and don’t get piss drunk on a worknight. You’ve got a job to do, and you’re getting paid to do it, so show up at work in the right mental and physical state. This isn’t college anymore, it’s time to grow the fuck up.
if you need this article to know how to get by, you’re a fucking amateur.
If you’re still that stinking drunk the next day, you should not be at work, period. Especially if you have to drive for your commute. Maybe this is only geared towards fancy city dwellers though. For the most part, being drunk or smelling of alcohol at work is grounds for termination.
Haha, die in a fucking fire Deadspin you righteous piece of shit. Welcome to the judgment free zone, where I will tell you what I think you should do to make your day as pleasant as possible.
Ok, ok...so like ONE piece of advice before we get started. Do the following right now. Hold down your iPhone button for 2 seconds. Siri will say 'What up homie?' Set an appointment for tomorrow morning at 1am that says 'Order a pitcher of water.' Now maybe your drunk ass will ignore this notification or maybe you will already be asleep, but I promise you if you drink like 5 waters before bed, it will be better.
I used to empty an entire case of water bottles onto my bed before I would go out on a school night because that way when I jumped in bed drunk later I would be like "what the fuck is this, oh water, yum I'll drink some." Other times I rolled out of bed and just sleep on the floor, it's like 50/50.
Where were we? Ah yes, you need to vomit, you smell like a brewery, your head feels like a small explosive just detonated inside of it, just not enough to kill you. Unfortunate.
STEP ONE
So what is one to do? There is no time to take a 75 minute shower. There is no time to 'get dressed' or 'eat breakfast.' The first thing you do, is text your best work homie and tell them the situation.
"Hey man, I'm running late...cover for me, details to follow." Find the strongest thing you (or your roommates have.) Morphine or Oxy would be best. Advil and Tylenol probably won't do anything, but take some anyway. Tylenol won't kill you, if your liver can't handle acetaminophen you probably don't deserve to live.
Then you drive to work ignoring all traffic laws. Police understand, they drink too.
STEP TWO
When you get into the office, make sure people see you but from a distance. You know how sometimes a girl looks super hot from a distance, but then up close you realize she is wearing two pounds of make-up and has meth teeth? The same goes for a hungover person. Think about it. You probably wore out clothes the night before that someone would conceivably make someone want to fuck you, and from a distance no one can see the enormous bags under your eyes.
Find an abandoned conference room and have your buddy meet you with emergency supplies. Full bottle of Pedialyte, 2 Gatorades, 2 Smart Waters, a pack of gum, some deodarant and a coffee...or as close to this as possible. You will then tell your work best friend what possessed you to get so fucked up on a Thursday. (Free concert, blowjob on the beach, etc. etc.) He will then give you a high five and tell you the severity of the situation. This will range from no one gives a fuck to...the boss was asking about you. Usually it will be 'no one gives a fuck' because people by nature are self centered.
STEP THREE
Don't tell lies about car trouble or illness, don't talk to people, in fact be seen as little as possible. If your office has a cafeteria now is the time to go spend $20 upstairs. No one will try to talk to you if your mouth is full. Also now is the time to fill your calendar with bullshit. 2 hr lunch meeting, dentist appointment, cancel all appointments, blame your kitten. People love kittens. If you have to bounce out a little early to rush your cat to the vet, people won't question it. Again, your goal for the day is get no closer than 10 feet to anyone who might judge you for drinking. And again eat all day, keep that mouth full. You should be like Chad and deli meats. NEVER STOP EATING.
STEP FOUR
Ok, we've made it to lunch. Two options. If you have a gym at work, now is time for the 90 minute shower. Lay down in the shower. I ALWAYS LAY DOWN IN THE SHOWER. I know your gym shower is gross and you will get athlete's foot on your dick, but you will feel SO much better.
No shower at the gym? Drive one mile, park in shade and get another hour of sleep. Set five alarms, you won't easily wake up from this nap. Also if you're fucking a nurse, now is the time to cash in that IV she told you about during pillow talk.
STEP FIVE
Ok, if you've played your cards right, you probably have 2 more hours to kill before you can escape this hellscape of the office. My suggestion? Load up on more coffee and more water, and blog about your night before. It doesn't matter if you are good at writing or ever plan on posting. Someone typing fast and violently on a keyboard looks like they are hard at work. People are unlikely to interrupt them. I survived at CDW for two years before they realized I was coming into the office for 8 hours a day to write about my party habits. You can certainly get away with it for an afternoon.
STEP SIX
As soon as humanly fucking possible slip out the door, go home, drink a bottle of ZZZquil and sleep it off. Or possibly if it's a Friday take a nap and then call some fuck piece that you've been benching and tell her you desperately need a no questions asked blowjob. She needn't sleep over.
The next time you are at work, people may say you were a little off the last day. NOW is when you can lie and make up an excuse. "I had a huge fight with my girlfriend" is an easy one that will lead to zero follow up questions. Everyone can relate to this. "My brother is sick." Again something vague that will make people uncomfortable. And hell, if the person is a real homie, tell them you weren't feeling well and give a little wink.
Trust me guys I've been there. I used to stay up until 5 in the morning on Tuesdays doing god knows what. I one time went blood drive in the depths of a brutal hangover because I thought I might pass out and people would look at me a victim instead of someone who did something wrong. I didn't pass out. To the person that got my blood, hope yoiu enjoyed the buzz!
Also, avoid using sick/vacation days. Those are days for partying, not days for laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. Unless you're a surgeon or a pilot, you're allowed to have bad days. This is America. Just like your bathroom visits, make your employer pay for your hangovers too. Follow these rules and well...you probably won't get fired.
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