Reconsidering Hufflepuff

Yesterday while I was doing the noble task of picking up kombuchas for the office (note: there was nothing noble about this, it is my job to get people kombucha) the other assistants came to the conclusion that I was a Hufflepuff.

Clearly they were unaware of the catastrophic amount of molly I had done the previous weekend. Obviously they didn’t understand that I had partied my way through Denmark in a fucking Slytherin hat. In fact they probably didn’t know anything about the extensive blogging I have done about all things Hary Potter here and here.

Perhaps it was a hazing of sorts. I am the new guy after all. They were just giving me a hard time. I’m obviously the cool guy, no one would mistake me for a lowly Hufflepuff. But amid many opportunities to walk back their rude inference, my colleagues dug in their heels. Dave is a Hufflepuff.

When I asked for an explanation it was simple: “You seem like you like to party.”

I waited for more, but that was essentially the crux of their argument. You like to party and Hufflepuff is the party house.

Wait what?

Hufflepuff is the party house? I had always assumed Hufflepuffs were the meek little losers that got picked last in Quidditch. While everyone else was jostling for magical dominance, Hufflepuff was just happy to be there. I mean their Goddamn ghost is the fat friar.

I mean a quick glance at their roster shows Cedric Diggory, a guy famous for dying and Newt Scamander, to be played this fall by the biggest Hufflepuff of them all Eddie Redmayne. (Justification: Failed to fuck Marilyn Monroe despite receiving many green lights, lost the French Revolution, died cutting his dick off and whatever the fuck he did in Jupiter Ascending...points for cheating on his wife though as an invalid, that was a pretty bro move)

But perhaps I was looking at Hufflepuff all wrong. Maybe I made the mistake of identifying their apathy as weakness instead of what it really was, brilliance.

A quick jaunt across the internet confirms that Hufflepuff is the stoner house. Hufflepuff puff pass bro. But I suppose any fat lovable stoner would be a Hufflepuff under the old definition. The question was “Is Hufflepuff really the Delta Tau Delta of the magic world?”

I had always assumed I was a Slytherin. I, a blonde haired, blue eyed, pure blood Aryan; a white protestant male of means, a supgroup of humans that have NEVER been persecuted against was CLEARLY born to be a Slytherin. I could see myself banging lines with Malfoy while we had a foursome with the Carrow twins.

Honestly I had never been more sure of something in my life.

But then I read book eight.

Book eight is not very good. Technically it’s a play, but it’s definitely canon. A little background for you if you haven’t read it…Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy both have kids that suck. Both of these kids end up in Slytherin. Not only do these kids kinda suck, all of Slytherin now sucks. Slytherin is like 2016 ATO.

Also in book eight? Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny also kinda suck…as does pretty much all of Gryfindor. Reigning House Cup Champs? Some little upstart named Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw doesn’t even earn mention in the book, a surefire sign that they have been catching some major Ls.

So in present day Hufflepuff is the Leicester City. They are the Lambda Chis finally pairing with Tri Delt.

How did pathetic Hufflepuff rise to the top? Well maybe they weren’t always that shitty.

Look, even though Cedric died, he was always a legendary face guy and he was selected as the dopest wizard at Hogwarts before some fuckery got Harry tossed in there as well. Also a Hufflepuff? My girl Nymphadora Tonks, a woman who I have masturbated to SEVERAL times. It’s a shame Ramsay jammed that knife in her neck. Her fool frontal work on Game of Thrones was unmatched. Even role players like Hannah Abbott would be worthy of a Thursday night casual bang.

The point is, Hufflepuff wasn’t always that shitty, they were moreso under the radar.  And look, it would be easy to point to Head of House Pomona Sprout, professor of herbology and make a ton of weed jokes. That’s low hanging fruit bro, what if instead I told you that Hufflepuff was maybe just a little too cool for school.

And I say that in the most literal way, let’s be honest Hogwarts house competitions are a little petty. As much as I enjoyed playing football in school, there were just as many cool kids in the stands drinking vodka from water bottles. I posit that the Hufflepuffs were the kids at the Quidditch games getting fucked up. Then they probably all went back to their lounge and had sex with each other. You know who never had sex in Harry Potter? Harry fucking Potter!

So that’s that. Hufflepuff was always kinda dope, we just never knew it. Maybe one day they just got sick of being shit on and decided out of boredom to start winning house cups. It’s basically like when you find out Danny Zuko was sick at track the whole time he just chose to be a Greaser for the hell of it.

I still feel like Syltherin are the villains, Gryffindors are the noble try hards and Ravenclaw are the smart kids…but Hufflepuff? Hufflepuff are the homies.

So where does that leave me, your dignified party blogger? Am I ready to admit that I am indeed a trustworthy, loyal and kind Hufflepuff?

Naw dawg…Slytherin 4 life.