I Can Olympic

 The Olympics are coming tomorrow and I'm so fucking excited I could run through a wall. Why? Because I love America, I love sports and I love trainwrecks. It's why I've started following politics.

Honestly, if you don't love the Olympics you probably support ISIS and I would love nothing more than to roundhouse kick you in the mouth. The last two opening ceremonies I have watched from the Driskill Hotel in Austin and this year I will be shitfaced on a Delta flight to Seattle, THANK GOD FOR SEATBACK MONITORS. I cannot fucking wait.

But there is another deeper reason I love the Olympics. Some of the events I look at and think 'I could probably do that.' Obviously when I watch NFL and the NBA I think, I will never be a 6'10 black man. But I look at shooting and I think, this is my father's fault for not getting me a gat at age 5. I mean I could probably fuck people up at men's 10 meter air pistol now, just imagine if I had been training for 25 years. Surely I could make the Olympics in something.

Let's quickly do my resume. I am a 6'3 200 pound white guy. I'm not necessarily rocking a dad bod, but I'm certainly a former frat guy 10 years removed from two a days. In my prime (1997) I was on a travel soccer, baseball and basketball team. I was like the 4th best player on all of those teams. By the time I got to high school I was pretty mediocre at sports but I was sick at Goldeneye and doing backflips off of my diving board. I lost my sporting focus, too busy making up stories about getting to second base on Spring Break. I was just happy to be a back up on a couple of varsity squads mostly for the social aspect.

So clearly I haven't done much since 1998, but the seeds were there. At one point I was dope! One of my former teammates plays Major League Baseball. If I ever learned how to hit a curve ball to catch a fly ball maybe I could have to! Probably not, but again, I think I was athletically gifted enough to do something if my father would have been a Grade A Todd Marinovich Sr. level psycho.

That said, let's take a look at the Olympic sports are probably the easiest for a average white guy to play. For ease of consumption, I will break these into categories.

FUCK NO: Basketball, soccer, wrestling, martial arts, boxing, gymnastics

I was able to dunk on a 10 foot goal with a men's ball for exactly 48 hours in 2007. This is the athletic achievement I am most proud of. That said, I was never going to be good at basketball, and in soccer my go to move was a heavy toe bash, that's like being a knuckle ball pitcher, it rarely works out. I never got into martial arts but I did box my friend Adam once. I clearly won the bout but Adam did make me bleed, for some reason people thought this made him the winner.

Looking back I outweighed Adam by at least 50 pounds, so now I feel even worse about taking that L.

Probably not: Rugby, Hockey, Golf, Swimming, Equestrian, track and field

To be clear, I could have been a dope hockey player if my dad would have let me play. I would have awesome hair and I would be on three sweet beer league teams. I'm sure anyone with enough money can get good at golf and horseback riding, but as a large man I think the horses would struggle to jump over shit. Hard out on 99% of track and field stuff, but I could probably launch the fuck out of a javelin.

With a better trust fund: Rowing, Sailing, Kayaking, Fencing

My friend Dan taught me how to sail in high school. I enjoyed it but 90% of the reason we went to his boat was so that we could drink Boone's Farm and listen to Matt Costa. I imagine that if I grew up in East Hampton and my dad was Thomas Crown, I could have gotten fairly competent at sailing. Furthermore, I fucked my little brother up in fights with plastic swords when we were kids so I think if James Bond were my teacher, I could get to an Olympic level.

Definitely Maybe: Volleyball, Diving, Tennis, Water Polo, Cycling, Tri, Modern Pentathalon

We've already covered my dope ass back flips, and I know how to ride a bike, so I feel comfortable moving onto Water Polo, a sport I have never played. In the first season of The O.C. I identify most with Luke. Luke was good at water polo so I feel like through the transitive property I could be a good water polo player. I don't know what the modern pentathalon is but I feel like no one else does either and I could sneak in.

Sure, why not: Shooting, trampoline, badminton, handball, synchronized swimming.

Ok most of these aren't even real sports. Badminton and handball were just made up by a bored Phys Ed teacher with a bad coke problem. Synchronized swimming seems about as difficult as masturbating left handed and we've already covered shooting. Any sport you can do with a half tin of Skoal in your mouth can't be that difficult. But let's get right to Trampoline. I have no idea what trampoline entails and my parents wouldn't let me get one when we were kids because they thought neighbors may sue...BUT. The girl down the street had one and we played this game called popcorn, you curl up in a ball and try not to pop (uncurl or fall off the trampoline) I NEVER FUCKING POPPED! I did however knock someone off the tramp and break their arm. Unsure if that is frowned upon or not, I call it gamesmanship.

Future Gold Medalist: Archery.

Look at that banner photo for a moment. Look at that form. Look at that flow. I look like Katniss Fucking Everdeen but with less cum on my face. (Fappening jokes are ok now, yes?)

I am confident that if my dad would have gotten me a crossbow for Christmas instead of an Easton Redline I could have ruined lives on the archery range.

Listen to some of these boners representing the US. Brady Ellison? Sounds like the Larry Ellison child that wasn't given a billion dollar trust fund to go make dope movies. Zach Garrett? Virgin. Cool Zacharys spell it Zack.

And Jake Kaminsky???



Oh Jake Kaminsky and me would be bros.

Jake and I would finish Gold Silver on Saturday...Saturday as in the fucking day after tomorrow. Like the first event done.

Do you know what that would give us three weeks to do???

Put a massive fucking dent in that supply of 450,000 condoms in olympic village. Hell, I bet the US basketball team would even let us party on their super-yacht. I hear gold medals are like oscars at the Vanity Fair party, hardware lets you cut the line.

Who are Jake and I going after first? Jesus, I don't know...maybe all of Olympic Village? But if I had to guess, that Dutch Field Hockey team is definitely sporting some dimes.